David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Sorry, Mom, you can't be one of the girls
by Adriana Barton, Globe and Mail
Monday, Sep. 28, 2009
As deep as their bond may be, mothers and daughters cannot be best buddies
They get pedicures together, swap iPod playlists and swoon over Don Draper, the tortured hunk on TV's Mad Men. They confide about their sex lives and borrow each other's clothes. Some daughters share so much with their mothers that they're practically best friends. Or are they?
As deep as their bond may be, mothers and daughters cannot be best buddies, according to Linda Perlman Gordon and Susan Morris Shaffer, co-authors of Too Close for Comfort? Questioning the Intimacy of Today's New Mother-Daughter Relationship.
Mothers and daughters are never on an equal playing field, they point out. And mothers who refuse to cut the emotional umbilical cord may keep their daughters from becoming fully fledged adults.
Ms. Gordon, a family therapist, and Ms. Shaffer, who heads a Maryland state resource centre for parents, spoke to The Globe and Mail about how to restore the natural order of things.
Who got the idea that mothers and daughters could be best friends?
Susan Morris Shaffer: It's usually the daughter who is calling her mother her best friend, and it's usually the mother who feels uncomfortable with that label. She really prefers her daughter to have a peer as her best friend, just as she relies on her best friend to be a peer rather than a daughter.
What are the signs a mother and daughter are too close?
Linda Perlman Gordon: It really is when the mom enables the daughter to stay dependent when she should be growing up and doing more adult things. A daughter might call her mother and say, "Will you please come to my house? The plumber's coming," when her mother works and she works, so they both have equal reasons not to be there for the plumber. The problem is if the mother does that too much. We need to let our daughters feel that they can function in this world alone because the bottom line is, one day we won't be there.
Some women who put off marriage and babies until their 30s remain in a prolonged stage of post-adolescence, you suggest. How can mothers identify new markers of adulthood?
LPG: Because the markers of adulthood aren't clear [any more], we use behavioural characteristics. It's being financially responsible. It means that you're accountable for what you do, so, for example, if you're not coming in to work, you don't just skip out. One of the questions we're asked all the time is, "When a daughter moves back home, do you make her pay rent?" Well, if she's in an unpaid internship and acts responsibly, it doesn't help to have her pay rent. But if she's acting irresponsibly and you want her to understand that you're giving her a wonderful opportunity, then you may want her to pay rent. You look at her behaviour.
What is the generation overlap?
SMS: We [baby boomers] are really the first generation to be as educated as our children, to be in the work force, having to balance both family and work. We also like the same music, we like to think we're young at heart and we like to do a lot of the same things. I mean, I couldn't imagine doing a yoga class with my mother, but I certainly would do that with my own daughter. So it's really a new phenomenon.
In the book, you mention mothers and daughters who get tattoos and belly piercings together. What's that about?
LPG: It would be a mother who was somewhat dependent on feeling like she was still young and still cool, and was getting that feedback from her daughter. And that's kind of an unfair role reversal.
How should a daughter deal with her mother's emotional vulnerability?
LPG: One woman we talked to has a mother who is about the nicest person in the world, but she's always saying things that are negative about herself and she's always needing someone to do something for her. Her daughter can't stand it any more and it makes her feel guilty, so what she has to do is to create a certain distance to protect herself. It's not her responsibility to make her mother happy.
What things should a mother never discuss with her daughter?
SMS: She should not discuss problems that she's having with her husband, and probably not discuss her sex life - I don't think daughters really want to hear about that.
LPG: One of the most important things that mothers should not dwell on with their daughters is their discomfort with their own bodies. Society's emphasis on physical perfection is creating anxiety for both mothers and daughters. If you look like you feel you're good enough, that's a very important message to model for your daughter. Fake it till you make it.
What does a healthy relationship between mothers and adult daughters look like?
SMS: It looks like mothers and daughters who can take care of each other but maintain their individual freedom. It's when daughters can forge their own identity and not feel that they're going to be rejected by their mothers because they make different choices. It's enjoying one another's company and getting strength from that relationship. As a mother, you become more of a coach or an advisor for your daughter: You do a lot more active listening and you give advice when you're asked. It's creating this new adult relationship that we call "respectful interdependence."
How can mothers and daughters set boundaries without hurting each other's feelings?
LPG: I'll give you an example. If your daughter says, "Mom, please don't come over without calling me first," what you do as a mother is say, "You know what, you're right." Instead of getting upset, instead of getting insulted. You reinforce the things that she says that create boundaries. And then you hope that she listens when you create yours.
by Adriana Barton, Globe and Mail
Monday, Sep. 28, 2009
As deep as their bond may be, mothers and daughters cannot be best buddies
They get pedicures together, swap iPod playlists and swoon over Don Draper, the tortured hunk on TV's Mad Men. They confide about their sex lives and borrow each other's clothes. Some daughters share so much with their mothers that they're practically best friends. Or are they?
As deep as their bond may be, mothers and daughters cannot be best buddies, according to Linda Perlman Gordon and Susan Morris Shaffer, co-authors of Too Close for Comfort? Questioning the Intimacy of Today's New Mother-Daughter Relationship.
Mothers and daughters are never on an equal playing field, they point out. And mothers who refuse to cut the emotional umbilical cord may keep their daughters from becoming fully fledged adults.
Ms. Gordon, a family therapist, and Ms. Shaffer, who heads a Maryland state resource centre for parents, spoke to The Globe and Mail about how to restore the natural order of things.
Who got the idea that mothers and daughters could be best friends?
Susan Morris Shaffer: It's usually the daughter who is calling her mother her best friend, and it's usually the mother who feels uncomfortable with that label. She really prefers her daughter to have a peer as her best friend, just as she relies on her best friend to be a peer rather than a daughter.
What are the signs a mother and daughter are too close?
Linda Perlman Gordon: It really is when the mom enables the daughter to stay dependent when she should be growing up and doing more adult things. A daughter might call her mother and say, "Will you please come to my house? The plumber's coming," when her mother works and she works, so they both have equal reasons not to be there for the plumber. The problem is if the mother does that too much. We need to let our daughters feel that they can function in this world alone because the bottom line is, one day we won't be there.
Some women who put off marriage and babies until their 30s remain in a prolonged stage of post-adolescence, you suggest. How can mothers identify new markers of adulthood?
LPG: Because the markers of adulthood aren't clear [any more], we use behavioural characteristics. It's being financially responsible. It means that you're accountable for what you do, so, for example, if you're not coming in to work, you don't just skip out. One of the questions we're asked all the time is, "When a daughter moves back home, do you make her pay rent?" Well, if she's in an unpaid internship and acts responsibly, it doesn't help to have her pay rent. But if she's acting irresponsibly and you want her to understand that you're giving her a wonderful opportunity, then you may want her to pay rent. You look at her behaviour.
What is the generation overlap?
SMS: We [baby boomers] are really the first generation to be as educated as our children, to be in the work force, having to balance both family and work. We also like the same music, we like to think we're young at heart and we like to do a lot of the same things. I mean, I couldn't imagine doing a yoga class with my mother, but I certainly would do that with my own daughter. So it's really a new phenomenon.
In the book, you mention mothers and daughters who get tattoos and belly piercings together. What's that about?
LPG: It would be a mother who was somewhat dependent on feeling like she was still young and still cool, and was getting that feedback from her daughter. And that's kind of an unfair role reversal.
How should a daughter deal with her mother's emotional vulnerability?
LPG: One woman we talked to has a mother who is about the nicest person in the world, but she's always saying things that are negative about herself and she's always needing someone to do something for her. Her daughter can't stand it any more and it makes her feel guilty, so what she has to do is to create a certain distance to protect herself. It's not her responsibility to make her mother happy.
What things should a mother never discuss with her daughter?
SMS: She should not discuss problems that she's having with her husband, and probably not discuss her sex life - I don't think daughters really want to hear about that.
LPG: One of the most important things that mothers should not dwell on with their daughters is their discomfort with their own bodies. Society's emphasis on physical perfection is creating anxiety for both mothers and daughters. If you look like you feel you're good enough, that's a very important message to model for your daughter. Fake it till you make it.
What does a healthy relationship between mothers and adult daughters look like?
SMS: It looks like mothers and daughters who can take care of each other but maintain their individual freedom. It's when daughters can forge their own identity and not feel that they're going to be rejected by their mothers because they make different choices. It's enjoying one another's company and getting strength from that relationship. As a mother, you become more of a coach or an advisor for your daughter: You do a lot more active listening and you give advice when you're asked. It's creating this new adult relationship that we call "respectful interdependence."
How can mothers and daughters set boundaries without hurting each other's feelings?
LPG: I'll give you an example. If your daughter says, "Mom, please don't come over without calling me first," what you do as a mother is say, "You know what, you're right." Instead of getting upset, instead of getting insulted. You reinforce the things that she says that create boundaries. And then you hope that she listens when you create yours.
