Must We Be Nice To Everyone?

[Retired]

It seems there are some people we encounter who do not have our best interests at heart, or with whom we feel uncomfortable, or just plainly annoy us.

When and how do you make the transition between being the nice, sociable person you are, who tries to avoid stressful conflict, to be assertive and to tell that person, in no uncertain terms you do not wish to have anything to do with them?

Is pretending to be nice to someone we dislike being dishonest, or diplomatic?

 

[Halo]

I think for me that most of it depends on whether they are real life friends, online friends, colleagues or family. Sometimes I need to "pretend" that I like a person because of the situation. A famous saying that I have heard is.... you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends. That seems to fit my life perfectly

 

[white page]

Hi TSOW,
This IS a big question , the other day I had a long conversation about social oil , for instance I find it almost impossible to be 'nice' to someone who makes the hairs on my neck rise up . however I can be polite to them .
I just don't think it is possible to like every one .

Is pretending to be nice to someone we dislike being dishonest, or diplomatic?

This so much depends on the circumstances , it would be crazy to tell an agressive abusive policeman that he's a creep , on the otherhand it would be equally crazy to invite him for supper .

Over the years I've managed to accept the fact that one has to stay courteous to certain unlikable persons , I used just ignore them , but I don't think I am being dishonest as I don't small talk with them , or pretend to be their pal .

best wishes wp

 

[Jazzey]

Is pretending to be nice to someone we dislike being dishonest, or diplomatic?

I think it may be being diplomatic. And sometimes, depending on the circumstances, it may required as WP has suggested.

When someone has been nasty with me, I remain polite. But that's only because I refuse to drop it down to their level. But I also don't dip into being fake and pretending that we're friendly. In recent times, I haven't minced words with people whom I've found less that polite. I will tell them as much, politely and make sure that they know where I stand on the issue.

Work situations have arisen where I still manage to say good morning to someone. I just don't ask them how their day is going and I don't humour them when they come to ask how I'm doing. But I keep the whole thing polite because we work together. With people with whom I don't have daily contact, I may be a little less (ok, a lot less) polite.

 

[NicNak]

Simular to the above posts I don't think being polite is dishonest. But that is always within reason.

I consider being polite to be civil. When I was working, I was in Customer Service. There is a difference between someone who genuinly enjoys people and ones who are putting on a front.

I tried to pass on a contageous smile. I was never "over the top" but I was always sincere and willing to go above my "call" to assist people who might be distraught or hurt. My conscientious wouldn't allow me to be otherwise.

I always kept an open mind on things. I recall one day a male customer approached me to pick a case of wine off a display for him. With many raised eyebrows from my co workers, cause I am female. I never thought nothing of it. The customer went on to explain that he had a heart monitor on and was unable to lift as it could pull the wires.

I not once judged this gentleman. I talked to him as I carried the case to his car and he kept apologizing for having to get me to carry the box outside. I told him, "People are my first priority, taking two minutes away benefits him greatly but interfears minimally with the rest of the operation of the store." He was feeling bad cause in general he was requiring extra help in his life. I told him, "if the shoe were on the other foot, you would help I am sure. Now it is your turn to be cared for a bit more than usual. It doesn't make you any less of a person"

This is the reason I am nice to people. One never knows the positive effects they can have. Once just recenlty at Walmart, I helped a lady who was struggling to get her child out of the shopping cart seat. So I held the handle for a few minutes to stabalize the cart for her. Why do I do that? Why not? It takes minimal efforts and keeps the positive energys flowing.

Interms of my life and people I don't really like? I really don't have issues with anyone in my life now that I am not working, that I can't get away from.

When I was working and there were people I didn't like, again I was civil. I never want, like Jazzey said, to stoop to their level. I find it quite distructive to me, to carry negative energy and if I were not to be civil to them, I would start the negative cycle in myself.

I would never run over to a co-worker I didn't like and act all flamboiant and happy giving hugs and such. To me that is fake, that I cannot do. Those I love know I adore them so greatly. The people I don't like, they know too as they see the difference.

Simularly, if someone doesn't like me and they chose not to aknowledge me or speak, that is fine. I am quite content to be quiet. I don't chase after anyone trying to make them like me, they either do or they don't. If they see who I am as a person, fantastic. If not, I don't try to force them too. I just be myself, always first and formost.

 

[Lana]

When and how do you make the transition between being the nice, sociable person you are, who tries to avoid stressful conflict, to be assertive and to tell that person, in no uncertain terms you do not wish to have anything to do with them?

My aim is a bit more simplistic: I AM nice but I'm not afraid of conflict. I see them as beneficial. However, I DO discriminate between them on whether I want to engage or not. So, the locus of control is always with me, not anyone out there that may perpetrate a conflict. So, I'd say, this is my first line of assertiveness.

If and when I do enter into a conflict, I make it a rule to remain true to myself, first and foremost. I believe in what I am saying and what I stand for..and I don't sway...much. That is not to say that I'm closed to suggestions or ideas...on the contrary, I love them! But, I do question them, like any scholar.

Having said that, I don't dismiss people "in no uncertain terms". I don't engage in angry games, or grudges. I either settle it, or wish them well and move on. If they wish to maintain a relationship with me (friendship or just plain acquaintance) then there has to be an agreement on the fact that I wont' change for them, and I have no desire to see them change for me. I expect the person to be truthful and real. If they're not..I will see it and act accordingly. I guess in the end, I hope that we can be cordial and civil. It's not the same thing as being nice for niceties sake...to me, it's being respectful to yourself and in that, extending that respect to other fellow human beings. You don't have to be pals to respect yourself.

Is pretending to be nice to someone we dislike being dishonest, or diplomatic?

I don't know. It's different for everyone. I think if you're "pretending" then it is a form of dishonestly...primarily with yourself. And we all know what happens when we're not true to ourselves...that's where misery and resentment come from. But I digress...

I do what I can to be nice to people I come in contact with. But that is difficult to convey here in this medium. All you have is a written word..the rest (mood, tone, implications, pitch, body language, etc.) all that belongs to the reader. I recognize that and try not to take things too close....though it doesn't always work.

In real life, I actually don't have to face such issues....thankfully. I'm quite upfront so most that do come in contact with me know this and appreciate it. Of course, face to face contacts allow more information to pass through and less misconceptions.

Sometimes I will try to talk it out. Most times it works out just fine. But if the person tells me "in no uncertain terms" well then...not much I can do and I just let it go completely. It takes a bit of time but in the end, it ceases to be an issue that I need to deal with. I turn to being cordial and civil and self-respectful.

 

[Into The Light]

there are one or two people that i know to see and for some reason they completely rub me the wrong way. i can't stand to have to talk to them. i don't know what it is. however i just kind of grin and bear it and get through the polite how are you's and try to keep conversation to a minimum and try to get away from them.

people i truly don't like because of a negative experience i avoid. i don't need that in my life.

i do remain polite even if i don't like a person. i think because i'd be quite upset if someone treated me rudely just because they didn't like my personality. i think though that people can sense when you don't care for them. i get that feeling with certain people, that they don't like me. in those cases i remain polite too but i try not to be in their way. i don't like sensing i am not really who they want to be around, so why subject myself to that.

so, i think for me being polite is my policy, and to stay out of someone's way if i don't like them or i sense they may not like me. i don't like to treat people badly.