New here and struggling

[AshesToAshes]

Hi everyone. I'm hoping being here will be helpful. I'm not doing well currently. I'm trying to get well but the harder I try the more cracks appear. I've been anorexic since 13 and I relapsed yet again but this is the worst episode I've had yet. I'm in therapy and we've been discussing the need to sit down with my primary care dr and fill her in at this point. Sorry to ramble. But I guess it doesnt matter. No one will read this anyway.

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[Daniel E.]

:welcome2:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Daniel read it and I read it, so that's two already.

Welcome, @AshesToAshes.

Do you know what triggered your relapse and why this is the worst episode? What else is going on in your life.

 

[AshesToAshes]

Daniel read it and I read it, so that's two already.

Welcome, @AshesToAshes.

Do you know what triggered your relapse and why this is the worst episode? What else is going on in your life.

The past 3 years have been one loss and/or trauma after another. Everyday all i hear is what I do wrong. I have no control over anything in my environment currently. I'm having anxiety all day every day and for the past 3 weeks it's gotten to the point that I've been having 3-4 severe panic attacks per day. I cant sleep... that's just the very short version as to what has lead up to me now having a BMI of 15.4 which is terrifying me because I'm trying yet I'm so anxious and so just out of control feeling I cant seem to eat even whe. Trying to force myself. I just had my meds adjusted and now my emotions seem to be everywhere because the kolonopin toned down my anxiety enough that I can actually feel all the pain and loss that I've been burying for years. I feel so much guilt over some of it even though my logical mind knows I did nothing wrong. I'm cant handle it! It's a screaming in my mind that I cant silence. I cant even stand being around anyone anymore.

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[AshesToAshes]

Daniel read it and I read it, so that's two already.

Welcome, @AshesToAshes.

Do you know what triggered your relapse and why this is the worst episode? What else is going on in your life.

Sorry if that's all incoherent and sorry didnt mean to go off like that.

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[Daniel E.]

I have no control over anything in my environment currently.

While it is good to feel in control to some degree, such as having self-efficacy, a lot of people with anxiety or OCD try to compensate for their anxiety by attempting to overcontrol their environment, usually leading to avoidance (of people, places, etc) and loneliness or depression:

Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO DBT) for Anorexia Nervosa: Clinical Applications in a Nutshell - Eating Disorders Catalogue

 

[AshesToAshes]

While it is good to feel in control to some degree, such as having self-efficacy, a lot of people with anxiety or OCD try to compensate for their anxiety by attempting to overcontrol their environment, usually leading to avoidance (of people, places, etc) and loneliness or depression:

Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO DBT) for Anorexia Nervosa: Clinical Applications in a Nutshell - Eating Disorders Catalogue

While that is true, its further complicated in my situation by also having PTSD from a sexual assault and having high functioning autism. So I have to have a rigid structured routine and I'm not never allowed time to destimulate in this house. It all just is too much.

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[AshesToAshes]

While it is good to feel in control to some degree, such as having self-efficacy, a lot of people with anxiety or OCD try to compensate for their anxiety by attempting to overcontrol their environment, usually leading to avoidance (of people, places, etc) and loneliness or depression:

Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO DBT) for Anorexia Nervosa: Clinical Applications in a Nutshell - Eating Disorders Catalogue

I was just reading another article by the same author an hour ago about an with comorbid asd.

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[GaryQ]

And I read it too which would have been earlier but I'm also going through a rough time and slept through most of the day.

and we don't simply read we actually care.

I see you read about comorbid ASD. Most Neuropsychiatric disorders rarely live alone and when things go rough it can sometimes feel like they are all ganging up on us which makes things harder.

Although I have no answers that are helpful I (we) do understand the difficulty in going through such life events. I'm also personally having trouble regaining my minimal optimal BMI after a long period of slow weight loss and decline because I'd so many issues it be hard to pinpoint one specific one.

One promise regarding the members here...
you can be yourself and express your feelings without fear of judgement or criticism (and on and on) we are not perfect sometimes responses don't come out as expected or hoped for but we try hard to support each other as best we can. Know that you can potentially find a safe place from the outside world here.

And oh! Almost forgot! welcome to the forum

 

[Daniel E.]

I'm not never allowed time to destimulate in this house. It all just is too much.

I don't know your living situation, but why can't you relax/unwind/destimulate in your own room/area? Besides your house, do you have some favorite hangouts that are not too stimulating like the library or a park?

 

[Daniel E.]

Have you ever tried some version of animal therapy? In my area, they have equine-assisted therapy, but it's relatively expensive. So instead some people will just volunteer at the humane society to walk the dogs. Personally, I have some version of animal therapy just from taking care of my chickens, dogs, and cats, but it is very grounding.

Everyday all i hear is what I do wrong.

Can you elaborate on that?

 

[forgetmenot]

Just want to say hi welcome you to the forum I do not have much to say right now as struggling too but just wanted to let you know you are heard.

 

[AshesToAshes]

Have you ever tried some version of animal therapy? In my area, they have equine-assisted therapy, but it's relatively expensive. So instead some people will just volunteer at the humane society to walk the dogs. Personally, I have some version of animal therapy just from taking care of my chickens, dogs, and cats, but it is very grounding.



Can you elaborate on that?

I'm told I'm stupid, worthless, a burden, also get called names, if I make any noise at all I'm yelled at, I make people angry if I remind them that I exist by being visible, they are angry if I stay in my own room. I am living in an oxymoronic hell.

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[David Baxter PhD]

Who are "they", the "people" who yell at you, @AshesToAshes?

Are you talking about family members? Or roommates? Are you living in some sort of group home?

 

[Daniel E.]

And is there anyone at home who is nice to you?

What is your therapist's advice about your living situation?

 

[gooblax]

Welcome to the forum @AshesToAshes. Sorry to read that you're struggling at the moment and are living in an environment that's negatively affecting you.

 

[AshesToAshes]

And is there anyone at home who is nice to you?

What is your therapist's advice about your living situation?

Does my rabbit count? My therapist is more concerned with getting me in a partial hospitalization treatment program right now because of how much weight I'm losing(and I really am trying to stop losing!) Some ptovide nearby or on site housing options. But shes worried I'll have to go inpatient if we cant find me treatment soon because I'll have to go through a refeeding treatment. I'm too stressed and anxious to eat around here and am not prone to binging at all. Plus I'm a compulsive runner. I've managed to reduce my exercise routine from 8-12 miles per day 5-6 days a week to 5 or 6 miles per day 4 days a week. So I am really trying but the panic attacks, anxiety, and being told what a stupid inadequate freak I am every day just is really getting to me.

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[AshesToAshes]

Who are "they", the "people" who yell at you, @AshesToAshes?

Are you talking about family members? Or roommates? Are you living in some sort of group home?

Family.

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[GaryQ]

Running that much seems dangerous at the moment even if I’m no expert!

 

[Daniel E.]

Have you ever had family therapy?

Does my rabbit count?

I loved having a rabbit many years ago. He liked to eat hibiscus flowers in addition to his pellets, salads, strawberries, etc. A biology professor at the University of Miami was a volunteer at the local rabbit society, and she would help me over the phone when I had rabbit questions (since the Internet was just starting to get popular at the time ).