New meat!

[Anhedontcha]

Hello,

My name is Glenn and I was diagnosed with dysthymia after a pretty fierce fight with double depression nearly five years ago.

I had spent probably most of my life in some mode of withdrawal or avoidance in one way or another. I used to pride myself as being independent at such a young age, but later on I discovered that I was socially behind and afraid of social interaction, and my independence was based on sheer avoidance.

I somehow managed, after years of not dating, to find a woman and married her. I hid all of my "issues" from her. I thought that's just what you do. Well, each year something new leaked out from the cracks and as each year passed, she lost her ability to trust me. 15 years later I am fighting to gain that trust back but she is basically unwilling to risk getting hurt again.

So during this time, to be brief, I had my battle with double depression, in which I tried four meds (zoloft, Prozac, and Lexapro) without success, but stuck with effexor only because I didn't know any better, that this is just how it's supposed to work, there is no such pill that gives you instant happy. well, my pdoc kept increasing the dosage and eventually maxing out and I started acting in desperate ways to just feel something, anything at all. I risked my life for it, my wife noticed and urged me to get off the pills, which I did, and made no difference in my happiness.

I bounced in and out of depression after that, a coupla times, each even lasting three to seven days or so.

During this time we went to marriage counseling, and then I was a jerk, b/c I felt everything was my fault and it takes two to make a marriage work, and she wasn't doing anything but complaining about me. the tdoc then suggested I get individual therapy at that point because he felt he couldn't do any more with the mariage until I stop being so broken.

Jeez, in real life i am not this talky.

anyway, lots of that stuff has gone, but am still living with dysthymia. I am feeling pretty sure that if I have to fight depression again I will not survive this time. So I have made a vow to myself. Honesty. Answer everything. Become social. try not to be afraid. I have a responsibility to my kids. I have learned to make phone calls this year (before it scared me to desperate measures) and for the most part I have conquered that. That's my biggest hurdle so far that i have been successful with. I have learned a lot of my behavior is shame-based and am learning to combat this, along with my pretty severe emotional withdrawal. something I have also carried with me from childhood. I thought that I was being manly, but I was misguided. Emotional withdrawal is my biggest problem right now.

So that's my story. Are you still awake? I won't be soon. I also have sleep problems which seem to affect my moods. It appears I do not have apnea (due to a sleep study I had done), But I do not get enough deep sleep time. Some of this is because I do not sleep long enough, the other is because anxiety keeps me from sleeping deeply enough. That's a theory.

So I am willing to talk.

Thanks for reading,
Glenn

 

[Daniel E.]

:welcome:

the tdoc then suggested I get individual therapy at that point because he felt he couldn't do any more with the mariage until I stop being so broken.

Did you go to individual therapy? Are you going to therapy now?

 

[forgetmenot]

Welcome to Psych Links

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Welcome, Anhedontcha.

I'm wondering the same as Daniel - did you go to individual therapy? if so, what sort of therapy was it and what benefits did you obtain from it?

What is "double depression"? I don't know that term.

It sounds as though you also suffer from some sort of anxiety or social anxiety disorder - have you been treated for that?

Are you on any medications currently, either for depression or for sleep?

 

[forgetmenot]

Double depression explained to me was when you are already depressed then another incident happens on top of this depression bringing you down into a deeper depression. Is this how it was explained to you.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Actually, as Daniel just pointed out to me via PM, "double depression" refers to a major depressive episode superimposed on/added to preexisting dysthymia.

In my defense, it's not a term I use or even hear very often.

 

[NicNak]

:hithere: Anhedontcha :welcome: to Psychlinks!

Glad you joined us.

Prior I had Dysthymia now I have Major Depressive Illness.

I have also in the past, tried to hide my conditions as well, unsuccessfully. I actually found it more emotionally draining trying to keep the symptoms supressed, instead of learning to cope with them.

Personally I found once I excepted that this is what I have, it gave me a bit of a comfort, and allowed me to find support networks such as Psychlinks where I can learn from others and share experiences which has been very helpful.

With the help of my doctors I have been able to grow to except this and it opened me up to learning ways to cope.

As Daniel and Dr Baxter have asked, I wonder too if you have a good health support network around you. Are you currently seeing a doctor specializing in mental health and are you on medication?

 

[Anhedontcha]

aw shucks...thanks for the warm welcome.

I went to therapy on three different occasions. the first was about 12 years ago with a licensed therapist, she was more into listening to me bitch about my wife. The second, about six years ago was with another licensed therapist, a different one, Whom I grew an inappropriate fondness for and Stopped listening to her and basically stared at her for an hour. The third, was right after the marriage counseling, with a psychologist, and found that last course pretty helpful. He is the one who diagnosed me. After like twelve weeks my insurance didn't want to pay anymore for it, my wife was getting paranoid about it (seh basically thought of it as a "good ol' boys' club", were I could just complain about my wife but that was not the case.
But as far as I am concerned, It helped greatly and it's been about three years since I have been med-free and off from therapy.

I am trudging along the best I can without those crutches. I am still dealing with issues of having shame as a prime motivator, and self-esteem issues. But I have learned a lot but I am hoping that I can still rub elbows with other people like me and can share ways to push through personal roadblocks.

Glenn

 

[Lana]

Welcome to Psychlinks, Glenn.

I would also like to take this opportunity and say how impressed I am with the insight that you possess about yourself. Believe you me, it's an accomplishment that many avoid like the plague. So bravo to you! :2thumbs:

 

[Anhedontcha]

Aw thanks.
I have gone through a lot of, let's call 'em, phases. I have been working things out for what, 4 years, or something like that, and have kept a nearly daily private blog. I have accumulated a lot of info on what DOESN'T work.
I am more than willing to share.

 

[Lana]

That's fantastic!! I have no doubt that many members here will benefit from the wisdom and knowledge that you've accumulated. How fortunate we are to have you here with us, Glenn.