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[Bumblebean]

Hi. I'm not very good at this so I hope I can make a long story short. I have what my doctor calls chronic pain caused by about 5 different things plus some kind of post viral problem that I don't really understand. He also sent me to a psychiatrist who said I have depression and anxiety.

I was a basically happy kid and up til about 25 even though I know now that things were pretty rough, and I think I did pretty good in life because I had my own ways of quietening my mind and feelings, but now the pain and difficulties are making it harder to cope with everything, and these really sad dark moods just take over. Sometimes they're so bad I wish I could just die in my sleep or something. I have thought a couple of times about suicide but I hate the idea of what that could do to the people I care about so I don't think I would ever do that.

I have talked with my doctor and the psychiatrist a lot about depression medicine because I have so many troubles with them, so right now they're saying just to focus on managing the pain. We also talked about CBT. I guess I have been doing CBT most of my life and didn't know it, but it's getting harder because it's so hard to concentrate. I can see the psychiatrist once in a while but there's no therapists except the ones who charge more than I can afford on disability, so most of the time I'm kind of on my own.

I live near the coast in northern BC not far from Prince Rupert, and as some may have heard, there was a big earthquake at Haida Gwaii a week ago. That really freaked me out. When I told my doctor about how nervous and scared and even more depressed than usual I've been since then he said maybe I have PTSD. Well, like I said things were pretty rough when I was a kid, and he thinks that could be why I'm reacting so badly. I don't know what difference that makes, but I'll see what the psychiatrist says I guess.

The main thing for me though is the depression. Some of my medicines help with nervousness, and whether or not I have PTSD I have always managed to find a way to get past those feelings sooner or later, but it's the depression that's the hardest. I don't have many friends, and what family I have all live in other parts of the country, and nobody really seems to understand all the stuff going on in my life or inside my head. Well how could they when I have trouble understanding it? I like people but I guess you could say I'm not really social. I have always gotten tired really quick in social situations, it's kind of overwhelming, so I spend a lot of time on my own, which used to be fine when I was healthy and had so many ways of coping with stuff, but now it's harder. I think I need to be able to talk with other people about these things, and I guess that's why I'm here.

Well, that's my story as short as I can make it. I hope I haven't put anyone to sleep.

Thanks for listening.

 

[gardens]

Hi Bumblebean (very cute name )

Welcome to the forum - You will find lots of support and understanding here.

 

[AmZ]

Welcome

 

[Katieann]

Hey there... and Welcome!

Katieann :dance2:

---------- Post Merged at 04:36 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:28 AM ----------

Wow... you were on the west coast for that earthquake...my sister lives on Vancouver Island. Earthquakes - well the Earth is alive! And sometimes Mother Earth has to shift around in a big way to make herself more comfortable. Don't we all...:moon:

 

[rdw]

Welcome Bbean!

 

[Cat Dancer]

Welcome.

 

[Bumblebean]

Katieann :dance2:

---------- Post Merged at 04:36 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 04:28 AM ----------

Wow... you were on the west coast for that earthquake...my sister lives on Vancouver Island. Earthquakes - well the Earth is alive! And sometimes Mother Earth has to shift around in a big way to make herself more comfortable. Don't we all...:moon:

Ha ha Well yes, and when she turns over in bed everyone for hundreds of kilometres around knows it, and a week of aftershocks doesn't let anyone close by forget it. When I'm not shaking and crying I'm laughing because it takes a 7.7 magnitude earthquake to make the rest of the country realize there's life beyond Hope. Our little joke up here in the wilderness.

Thank you and everyone for the kind welcome.

---------- Post Merged at 07:12 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 06:55 AM ----------

Hi Bumblebean (very cute name )

Thanks, my auntie called me that since I was little because she said I was like a busy little bee buzzing around curious about everything. She was nice, and never got cross with me.

BB

 

[forgetmenot]

Hi welcome to Psychlinks Bumblebean

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Hi, Bumblebean. I actually grew up in that are - Kitimat, Kemano, Prince Rupert, Terrace, etc.

I'm a little confused about what you said about antidepressants. Have you had bad side-effects from them? If so, what were your side-effects and which medications have you tried that caused them? Are you on any medication for depression currently?

 

[MHealthJo]

Welcome BB!

 

[gardens]

Hi Bumblebean - I see in another post that you found some of the information on Highly Sensitive People/Person.
Your statement:

I have always gotten tired really quick in social situations, it's kind of overwhelming,

Made me think of HSP - I've done some reading on the subject too as I feel I have a few of these traits as well. Where does anxiety, HSP, depression ect. ect. ect. start and end? I try to keep reminding myself that we are not seeking perfection we are seeking balance.

Glad you're finding your way through the forum.

 

[Retired]

Hello Bumblebean and welcome to Psychlinks.

We'll be looking forward to your participation on the Forum.

 

[Bumblebean]

Hi, Bumblebean. I actually grew up in that are - Kitimat, Kemano, Prince Rupert, Terrace, etc.

I'm a little confused about what you said about antidepressants. Have you had bad side-effects from them? If so, what were your side-effects and which medications have you tried that caused them? Are you on any medication for depression currently?

Hi David. Oh, you grew up in God's Country, hey? People keep saying I should move to where it's milder and there's more services but I can't even think of living anywhere else even though I have enjoyed visiting a lot of really nice places in the past.

I would have to get a list from the pharmacy for the depression medications I have tried, I just know there have been a lot. Mostly I get sleep problems, nausea or vomiting, fast heart-beat, really out of control angry for no reason, even more depressed, and worse nervousness and panic. With one of them my asthma got so bad I had to be put on what I think they called a nebulizer? A couple of them made my muscle pain really awful. There was also more problems with my memory which isn't very good anyway, and a couple of times my doctor got pretty worried about my liver. I guess some of my other medicines are pretty hard on my liver, so my doctor keeps a close eye on that.

I am not taking antidepressant medications. My doctor and the psychiatrist and I all talked about what to do about my problems with that kind of medicine, and they thought it was a good idea to go with medicines for my pain and anxiety because the pain and disability especially can make me awfully blue when it gets bad, and use my coping strategies for the depression. It's really hard some days where I just want to hide under the covers, and I can cry at the drop of a hat any time even when I'm in a fairly good mood, but it's the best we can do for now. I use the crisis line sometimes, and also there's usually someone at mental health that I can call if I have an emergency during their open hours. There's not much they can do except listen to me crying the blues, but any little thing that helps is good I think.

I know I'm not awfully bright, but I can still learn, and I think that the more I can learn about not just depression but how it shows up in me personally, the better chance I have of being able to live with it and have more good days. My doctor says that depression happens a lot with people who have chronic health problems, and that if they start out with mild depression it can get worse, and that makes sense to me. I think it's kind of like that saying about knowing your enemy.

I'm sorry I didn't see this before, I'm still trying to learn my way around this site.

Thanks

BB

---------- Post Merged at 02:45 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 02:31 PM ----------

Hi Bumblebean - I see in another post that you found some of the information on Highly Sensitive People/Person.
I've done some reading on the subject too as I feel I have a few of these traits as well. Where does anxiety, HSP, depression ect. ect. ect. start and end? I try to keep reminding myself that we are not seeking perfection we are seeking balance.

Glad you're finding your way through the forum.

Hi gardens. Yes, I got pretty excited reading about that, having never heard of it before. I am also wondering now where does one thing leave off and another begin, but I think I have a lot more to learn before I can start seeing if the pieces fit.

Oh, I like what you say about seeking balance! A friend of mine talks a lot about homeostasis, which I think is a lot like balance, and after she explained it to me about a hundred times it made sense to me that without it, a person's going to be messed up. She was talking about physical health, but the way I understand it, I think maybe it applies to the whole person, if that makes any sense?

Thanks

BB

 

[gardens]

I think that the more I can learn about not just depression but how it shows up in me personally, the better chance I have of being able to live with it and have more good days.

...and that right there makes you a smart lady! And yes you are making perfect sense.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Hi David. Oh, you grew up in God's Country, hey? People keep saying I should move to where it's milder and there's more services but I can't even think of living anywhere else even though I have enjoyed visiting a lot of really nice places in the past.

I must say it was a great place to grow up as a young boy, although in some of those communities I think in retrospect it must have been pretty boring for teens and adults who were past the exploring and building forts stage.

Thanks for the clarification. It sounds like you are getting good medical and psychological advice in how to deal with a complex array of symptoms.

 

[Bumblebean]

I must say it was a great place to grow up as a young boy, although in some of those communities I think in retrospect it must have been pretty boring for teens and adults who were past the exploring and building forts stage.

Thanks for the clarification. It sounds like you are getting good medical and psychological advice in how to deal with a complex array of symptoms.

I never thought about that, the boredom probably some of my friends felt. I didn't live in any of the towns, we had a little farm a fair bit off the main road, though I went to Rupert for a few days every couple of months to visit my auntie. That was always fun, and at home there wasn't time to get bored. When there wasn't work to be done I was off in the bush or sitting by a creek soaking up the peace and quiet.

I'm glad I was able to answer your question, sometimes trying to be clear is really hard. It's kind of an ongoing thing, keeping what works and always trying new ideas. I think maybe it's a good thing that my mind is usually keeping so busy working on those ideas, though some days I'm kind of like a robot, just forcing myself through the day. The dark clouds are hanging low over my head today, and I'm fighting hard to keep them from swallowing me up. It's a bad pain day, and that's usually the worst.

Thanks

BB

 

[MHealthJo]

Sorry to hear the pain of the multiple problems you go through, BB! Not fun at all.

I am impressed though with the handle that you've got on it all. I think you're using lots of resources available to you really really well.

We can consider it a major 'vocation' or 'skill' to look after ourselves. So a bit like what Gardens said, you're showing a lot of skill, commitment, knowledge and proactivity in that vocation!

And if you can, don't feel you must look at yourself with very "traditional" or rather narrow views of intelligence and brightness. These things have many different facets that are strong in different people in different ways. I honestly don't know if these things can be accurately measured by human science - or perhaps accurately defined, even. By any measurement that seems to make much sense, you sound pretty intelligent to me.

Wish you more and more improvement in the troubling symptoms as you continue the journey.

 

[Bumblebean]

Sorry to hear the pain of the multiple problems you go through, BB! Not fun at all.

And if you can, don't feel you must look at yourself with very "traditional" or rather narrow views of intelligence and brightness. These things have many different facets that are strong in different people in different ways. I honestly don't know if these things can be accurately measured by human science - or perhaps accurately defined, even. By any measurement that seems to make much sense, you sound pretty intelligent to me.

Wish you more and more improvement in the troubling symptoms as you continue the journey.

Hi MHealthJo. Thank you for your kind words. I guess I don't feel so smart a lot of the time because it can take me a long time to understand things and it's really hard most of the time to get across what I think or feel. I end up saying something five different ways sometimes before I get it right, if that makes sense. Sometimes people get mad or tired of listening to me and walk away, and that's really upsetting. This all started before my health troubles and it's been around for as long as I can remember. I think sometimes it was because someone was making me nervous and other times when I was feeling overwhelmed by noise, or a lot of thoughts coming all at once, or too many people around, or whatever, and often it's still that way. Also, I didn't do very well in school, the teachers always said I spent too much time daydreaming, staring out the window and stuff. I don't remember daydreaming but I remember thinking that I wanted to jump off my chair and run outside because it felt like I couldn't breathe. My marks were OK, but my teachers always said things about how I needed to pay more attention and that I could do better if I tried.

I have had a couple of bad pain days, and that always makes my depression worse, so I'm pretty blue today. I get scared and nervous too, because I feel helpless not being able to make my body do what I want or need it to do. Today has been a bit extra bad. My medicines make me sleepy and I'm better off not trying to do stuff when I take them because that's how accidents happen or I forget stuff like turning the heat off under a pot of soup or whatever but today I was lying down a lot more than I really needed to, so when I got up for a drink of water, I thought no I'd come here instead of lying down again. My head feels all fuzzy from the medicine still, but I think it was a good choice.

Ha ha, I also think maybe I'm still feeling my medicine a bit too much because I think I'm talking a lot but not saying very much, so I'll stop now, but I did want to say thank you at least.

Thanks,

BB