No conversation skills

[Miroku]

Like I said in my introduction post, I am slowly trying to improve my social anxiety. I have been able to leave the house without thinking everyone is out there to get me, make phone calls when necessary and even went to a job interview the other day, without any kind of nervousness :2thumbs: !!

I would say things are going well, except for one thing...my conversational skills are still pretty much nonexistant. I can do somewhat well in formal settings, but almost everywhere else I just don?t know what to say. It is as if my mind just decided to shut off and go sleep for a while...I read quite a bit, so I know about many different things here and there...but all that disappears when it?s about conversation. I am not nearly as afraid of starting conversations as before, I just don?t know why things go this way and well...it?s driving me nuts, as it even happens with those I have a lot of stuff in common :hissyfit:

Anyone knows why this might happen? I have searched for information here and there, but gotten nothing other than the "just talk about anything" which leaves me in the same place if someone else has it happen to them, by all means post it here

 

[Andy]

:wave4: Hi Miroku,

This happens to me all the time. I always thought it was just anxiety and for me, I am to preoccupied with everything that's going on around me.

If I am in a situation where I do not know the person well I try to stick to plain things like weather, or just ask the person tonnes of questions about themselves and usually the conversation flows from there. At the same time if I am in a place where there is to much chaos around me, I would just stutter something profound.

 

[Retired]

Miroku,

Difficulty with conversational skills can often be overcome through role playing and practice with a trusted friend or family member.

To make smalltalk is a learned skill, and can be summarized by WWWWH

These are the basic tools in the news reporter's toolbox, namely,

• Who
• What
• When
• Where
• How

Smalltalk is about finding ways to get the other person or people to talk about themselves, thereby removing the pressure from you to think of things to talk about.

People love to hear their names spoken, and to talk about themselves, so if you can develop the skills to make these things happen in a social situation, you will be admired and appreciated by your friends and contacts.

By allowing the others to talk about themselves, using the words in the news reporters' toolbox, you would ask questions about the person to whom you are speaking, and speaking their name from time to time.

For example, you could start by asking, "Where are you living, John?"

When John tells you, you would ask a follow up question, such as "How do you like it there?" and so on.

If John asks you a similar question, you can answer, but then follow up with a relevant question to keep the ball rolling.

Change the subject from time to time, using old standby subjects such as the weather, the economy, local politics, recent books, favorite foods vacation plans.....

It's a learned skill, and requires practice. If you cannot enlist the help of a friend to help, you might rehearse on your own, when alone, you could have a conversation with yourself in your mind or even out loud..which is even better, because you can learn to enunciate the phrases better than by thinking them.

Most public speakers, celebrities and and especially successful sales(wo)men use many of these techniques to rehearse and to hone their conversational skills.

Have you ever considered joining an organization such as Toastmasters or Dale Carnegie where skills like these are taught?

 

[Banned]

Hi Miroku,

I can empathize as well. I am a self-proclaimed social-retard. I have no social skills and any kind of social situation is extremely stressful for me. I avoid weddings, funerals, casual get togethers, etc. Anywhere I might have to come up with some impromptu conversation. I just have nothing to talk about at the best of times.

I don't like telling people what I do for a living because that turns into them wanting a free consult on the spot, despite my come-back of "I charge $100 and hour and here is my business card if you'd like to set up an app't". Of course they rarely do, but thought they'd snag me while I'm "free". The flip side is, apart from what I do for a living, I don't have much to talk about.

I'm a very strong people watcher. I love watching people. Especially people at the dog park. I've determined that most of them are crazy. I can sit in silence for hours just watching. (I used to want to be a monastic nun so I guess that skill helps).

Unfortunately I don't have a social bone in my body. I've accepted it, but my friends adn therapist want me doing a better job of trying to build a social network. I get what they're saying, about having more people and hobbies in my life, but it's hard - it goes against everything in me.

I joined a bowling league...something easy, that I like to do, it's only three hours a week, and I can go for a walk or sit on my Blackberry between turns. So...it's a nice way to ease myself in to the group.

After all this rambling about me, what I'm trying to say to you...is how much control do you have over these situations? ie. If I run out of things to talk about (which happens pretty fast) I just excuse myself. I also try and stand by people who are *really* chatty, so I wouldn't get a word in edgewise even if I wanted to. It also lets me watch and observe how "social people" engage in conversation. Kind of like "on the job learning" I suppose.

Ironically, I speak for a living. But I can handle that until something I wasn't expecting gets thrown my way and then I .

I think you're on the right path - exploring different options and avenues. I do believe as well that it's a learned skill, so there's no magic as far as waking up one day and just havign it. It's something you need to work at, which means immerse yourself in, to truly learn and be comfortable.

 

[Miroku]

Thanks everybody for your replies, they are really helpful :2thumbs:

I will try the suggestions mentioned and see if I can find something like toastmasters where I live...a while ago I wouldn?t have even dreamed of something like that, but now it may as well be an option and if there isn?t one, I will try rehearsing

Even with all the improvements, I believe having suffered from APD and later on, Social Anxiety - which I?m still somewhat affected by - affected the way I think and behave, so I cannot expect to become a totally different person overnight...but things will get better, I hope

 

[Into The Light]

i heard a suggestion from my psychologist that to get people talking, the best thing to do is to ask their opinion on a subject. i haven't tried it yet, but that sounds like a great tactic because that way you say one thing, and then the other person starts off with a whole story to tell you, and then you have plenty to work with to ask another question just thought i'd throw it in here for what it's worth.