No more mistrust

[nrenebarrett]

Hi,

I'm new here! Searching for others with the same problems I have so that I don't feel so alone and "broken." I'm a 47 y/o woman with one 25 y/o son. I'm a Research Biologist of 21 years, currently out of work. I'm also a professional writer (children's books and technical writing).

I recently divorced after 28 years of marriage and have reunited with the love of my life from years ago and have relocated from Alabama (grew up in Georgia) to California to (hopefully) marry this love of my life. This decision forced me to choose to leave the only stable thing in my life behind, my son, for the first time in his life.

During my 30 years with my first husband, he ripped all trust I had in men by cheating many times over those years. It has caused me to be a bitter, scared person and I'm afraid that the habits that I developed living with him may ruin my current relationship because of my fear of losing him too. That's one of my issues: mistrust. I need help and advice on developing new tools for dissolving this fear and getting a grip on letting go of those old habits and building new ones to help guide me to being a better, more trusting person. Another issue I have is unforgiveness and holding extensive grudges towards those who do me wrong, particularly those who have lied to me. I feel as if I'm "disrespected" and "unworthy" as a person if someone lies to me. It forces me to alienate myself from them. This, too, is a result of my first marriage: living with a diagnosed Chronic Compulsive Liar. It makes me suspicious of anything that happens out of the ordinary. It makes me delve into details of my current relationship just to satisfy my own insecurities and it is beginning to scrutinize the relationship.

I've taken extensive Psychology courses and have gone through many counseling sessions but have yet to find the right tools to apply to my issues to vaporize them for good. I want to be free from fear and stop feeling as if I am a "broken" person. Any advice?

 

[forgetmenot]

Just want to say welcome to forum first off. Trust well for me that is a hard one I think the most important tool is open communication with new love okay let him know your fears your anxieties and together perhaps you can lessen those fears. Perhaps couple councilling is a way to help both of you gain the skills necessary to understand what it is you will need to trust again

 

[Daniel E.]

There are also a number of self-help books on the subject.

One of my favorite points about trust:

We trust banks with our money. We trust teachers with our children and mechanics with our cars. Still, for one reason or another, when it comes to our one-on-one relationships with other people, trust seems to be difficult. The truth is that we can and do trust. Unfortunately, we sometimes put our trust in the wrong things.

Once we are hurt by someone, we trust that we will be hurt again. We trust that the politicians who make up the government will lie to us. We trust that on any given day something horrible could happen to us. In preparation, we live behind alarms and fences, and we cross the street anytime we see some dangerous looking person coming in our direction. For many, the issue is not how do you learn to trust? The issue is how do you learn to put your trust in the right things?

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/coping-strategies/27491-trust-the-right-thing.html

Some self-help books on trust, insecurity, etc:

If This Is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure?

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/psychlin...ng-the-ten-behaviors-that-undermine-love.html

The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships

Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy

When the Past is Present

When Love Meets Fear

From a related TED Talk on the subject of vulnerabilty:

Connection is why we’re here…it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives…

We are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. The problem is — and I learned this from the research –that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can’t say, here’s the bad stuff. Here’s vulnerability, here’s grief, here’s shame, here’s fear, here’s disappointment, I don’t want to feel these. I’m going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.(Laughter) I don’t want to feel these. And I know that’s knowing laughter. I hack into your lives for a living. God. (Laughter) You can’t numb those hard feelings without numbing the affects, our emotions.You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle…

One of the things that I think we need to think about is why and how we numb. And it doesn’t just have to be addiction. The other thing we do is we make everything that’s uncertain certain…

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability

Similarly:

Many people conceptualize vulnerability as a negative trait or weakness and view invulnerability as a strength. In constrast, we conceptualize vulnerability in positive terms and perceive openness to the possibility of being emotionally hurt as a powerful position to take in life. Living a relatively undefended, vulnerable life implies a self-acceptance, inner strength, and the capacity to deal with uncertainty. As Lifton rightly observed: “To live with ambiguity is to accept vulnerability”

~ Robert Firestone, Beyond Death Anxiety

 

[AmZ]

Welcome

I hope you find the answers you are looking from here. It's a great forum.