No one understands

[forgetmenot]

how can they
emotional pain it so much harder to endure
i really really want this all of it to end
i will not be here ok to bury someone else i won't
i just won't i can't do this anymore i can't
never ever ever wanted to be here anyways
but i stay i stay for everyone else but it is getting way too hard too hard
i don't want to be here anymore not knowing what will be next who will be next
i have never felt so low well to this point of not wanting to stay
holding on for what for change it never comes hope comes then leaves as fast as it came
there is no compassion there is no compassion there is NO compassion
i feel less then garbage less then nothing now.
oh god oh god just end it ok for me just end it.

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: no one understands

but i stay i stay for everyone else but it is getting way too hard too hard

Maybe it would help to put yourself first and just worry about what you need?

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: no one understands

The Inner Voice that Drives Suicide

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: no one understands

Thanks Daniel i tried to phone crisis could not let it ring through

Could not talk to anyone anyways too um gone.

phoned therapist twice knew no answer left two msg
i um could not stand emotions could not stand the pain i ran out in the snow
i shoveled large deck again in storm kept shovelling shovelling until i felt nothing again

inside now cold but i don't mind feeling cold anymore rather that then what i was feeling

i am wanting to go away i really am wanting a place to just disappear i really just want to disappear .

oh god pain just too much now too much

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: no one understands

I sometimes read myself through the occasional I-don't-want-to-be-here days. Even if it is a novel about suicide as a way to normalize what I am feeling. Basically trying to buy time and distract myself until my brain "reboots."

 

[gooblax]

Re: no one understands

It's good that you left a message for your therapist FMN. Do you want to try calling the crisis line again? Or what else normally helps you get through these moments?

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: no one understands

hsb home helps when i am not alone tired now no need to call anyone going to lie down a bit noone can help when emotions hit like that one is always alone then always thanks for the responses helps not one to feel like no one sorry ugggggggg ya need to lie down a bit .

 

[gooblax]

Re: no one understands

OK, I just want to say well done for making it through the intense emotions FMN. You did well with expending some of the energy with shoveling.
Hope you get some rest.

 

[GaryQ]

Re: no one understands

What a day for me to pick to actually be busy and not alert here for once

FMN, You've been through a lot lately and although I am one of those that needs and counts on your encouragement and support when I feel like you do right now I also believe as Daniel stated that it's time to take care of you.

You are a giver, Like my friend that passed away in 2015; She was a giver and also suffered from chronic depression. Her life had meaning when she was helping others and that was her greatest quality. she was, like you, such a kind and caring person. But she also needed to learn that sometimes she needed to stop and take care of her first or she would break down and not be able to do what she loved and felt that was what God had created her for. (religious beliefs are not important it's just what she believed personally and why it is stated)

I'm glad you went out and froze the pain away and that hubby being home helped you feel not alone.

Don't forget my friend, I've been hanging on (and it's not easy even when things seem to be going OK) for a few reasons but honestly, my real strength comes from knowing that you have been hanging on along with me in spite of all the hard knocks you have had lately.

You're not alone and don't need to try to fight though this all alone!
Big hug and an even bigger thank-you for being the person you are and for the impact you have had on my life in the short time I have gotten to know you.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: no one understands

I hear you have to hang on so hard sometimes really don't want to feel that kind of pain again really just takes everything in you away.
Ya not going to do anything today staying inside away from everything and everyone,
Maybe just step out to get wood for fire will have my coffee here to no timmies today.
Hsb says don't answer phone turn it off i wish i could but when i do well lets just say things will get worse.
Thanks for caring i know i can be very centered at times here but um this place allows in a way for the voice to be heard if that makes sense. I am glad you are holding on and that you have people around you that you can talk to and reach out to. Trying not to let dam emotions take me away well still in my pj usually im up and out of here soon but today just staying on couch by fire.

 

[GaryQ]

Re: no one understands

Don’t be silly. You’re not “centered” when you reach out for help here. Helping others is honorable but when you need support it’s about you and nobody else. I get you about turning off the phone not being possible but staying home today and by the fire is a great idea. I remember when I would sit by the wood furnace back in the Laurentiens that it’s probably the only place my brain could really detach from everything a bit mesmerizing actually. Plus the warmth is what it is.

As for friends to vent and panic too it’s the same ones you have. People in our environments care but don’t really understand why, how and what we are going through in panic or crisis mode. That’s why we need to stick around to support each other. I think knowing someone “gets us” gives that extra “sticking around” strength we have but that the pain numbs our brain and we forget till someone reminds us

Have a great day FMN! Spend the day doing what you do so well; taking care of people except today the person is you

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: no one understands

Been shoveling deck lots of snow here but exercise is good for me and it helps to distract me.
Then brought in more wood for fire will relax now until hsb get home.
i hope it stops snowing soon i may go out one more time just so it does not get too heavy

Therapist called i did not say what i wanted too not right really but um he wants me to look into programs for ptsd and iwill but he knows i do not like being around people i don't want to show my emotions but i said i would look for programs so i will.

Sadness is still inside i can feel it but the pain i felt is not extreme like yesterday anyways tired now will go get a drink of gingerale thirst after all that snow shoveling take care ok

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: no one understands

so hard so hard more bad news girl overdosed again she got into trouble at a store she overdosed afterwards in hospital now don't know what will become of anything anymore i keep calling her but no answer i do hope she is in hospital i really hope she is getting help she needs.

 

[GaryQ]

Re: no one understands

Wish I could have something comforting to say so I'll just leave it at hope your girl is ok. hang in there and big hug my friend

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: no one understands

she says she is in hospital she won't talk to me hangs up on me

Told her to please please just stay safe there. I hope someone steps in dam it she is so detached so without feelings she does not care how she harms herself anymore

i have not heard anything been waiting for dam phone to ring

i knew i just knew something was wrong i begged her to go home to just go home

if i had just put dam money in her account for her she would not have done this but i did not want to enable her to drink anymore i knew she would use money to just drink

anyways just waiting now she would not tell me what she overdosed on uggg feeling sick to my stomach hsb does not want to hear me now i don't blame him. He is able to just shut down everything go to bed sleep i willl be up all night now waiting.

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: no one understands

My therapist liked to endorse Glasser's choice theory (or whatever works) for not being on edge as much in response to a loved one's behavior.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: no one understands

No news yet her phone is turned off icy out here got ice storm hard for me to get out in it roads are not sanded yet
will wait it out a bit longer i guess no calls is a good thing right now.

 

[GaryQ]

Re: no one understands

Great idea. Not a good time to go anywhere if the roads are icy. ER not much better than psych wards these days

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: no one understands

Called her act team let them know where she was. Asked them to please please reassess her meds please help her told them how cold and detached she is, how aggressive she is. Told them abt incident at the store and also told them i cannot help her i don't know what to do anymore to help her.

After that i called the crisis line but this time i let it ring through omg so hard to talk to people. The person was able to calm me down some gave me some numbers to call. i wrote them down don't know if i can make those calls but at least i have them .
Tired now so tired lord so tired oh dam phone is ringing i cannot pick it up let it leave a msg oh god no msg probably just telemarketer i hope. cannot do this anymore i cannot do this anymore dam phone dam it.

 

[GaryQ]

Re: no one understands

It's hard but you did it and I'm glad to hear you called the crisis line. a great big thank-you for finding the courage to do that !