Not Connected

[desiderata]

For some time, maybe my whole life, I have delved into places in my mind. The bright and the dark. It's just who I am.....call it introspection. I still believe I see and feel what's going on inside of those close to me and it is becoming clear that that my wife and I have lost a critical connection. She is very sweet, reliable, and caring. I could go on about her qualities but to me, she is missing a certain depth of understanding. I feel she lacks the capacity and I am cognizant that there are many levels of understanding and awareness of others. This is an important need in my life. Through our non connectivity I have grown more inward while she seems to be more superficial. Maybe this is her way of coping or it's avoidance but I have a low tolerance for superficiality. There has to be a center to be found but at this time we are drifting away from it.

 

[making_art]

Desiderata, many marriages end because people grow apart....if you are considering ending your marriage it may be wise to seek couple counselling to be sure that what you are feeling cannot be resolved other ways....

 

[amazingmouse]

If you are interested my feedback, I think that there is an apparent controversy in the way you are describing your wife and your relationship with her. "She is very sweet, reliable, and caring. I could go on about her qualities..."..and at the same time you are saying that "she is missing a certain depth of understanding". I guess the question here is, how could she be sweet and caring and at the same time distant and superficial towards you.
It is an interesting situation that in my opinion requires more reflection on your part, preferably with the help of a professional. I would not jump to couples counselling yet, as at this stage it is more important for you to get more clarity of your own view of the situation, your own thoughts and feelings about it. Also, couples counselling has much higher rates of failure than individual counselling, and honestly, in my observation, if your partner is unable to participate in an open conversation with you, it is very unlikely that this same partner would be interested in using a third party to mediate the talk. It is a very strange sounding idea. I think most people who use couples counselling are simply trying to demonstrate a superficial effort to communicate with a partner, with whom they have no intention to connect. But, you need to find a way to express your feelings to your wife, so that you can get her perspective. Good luck to you. I apologize if I irritated people with my reply.

 

[GDPR]

I agree with making_art,I think couples counseling might be a good idea.

From my own personal experience,years ago,it helped to have an unbiased 3rd party involved.It didn't immediately solve all our problems,but it did get both of us to be more open with each other,and with our feelings,and to start getting things back on track.

I think when both parties agree to go it shows there really is still love there and they both feel there's something worth saving.If one party has to be forced,or is given an ultimatum,then I think there's less chance of it actually helping.

 

[amazingmouse]

I personally (and professionally) don't have expertise in couples counseling or marriage therapy, so thank you for your contributions to desiderata. I hope that he eventually gets professional help and starts feeling better. All the best, desiderata!

 

[desiderata]

I've been to counselling for many years but not within the last year or so. It's my own fault for not making the time. As far as my relationship with wife, I suppose a paragraph explaining it was inept. The dynamics are too complicated to express and yet I was hoping someone would understand. Thanks for the input though. I am going to reach out to find a therapist that fits my schedule.

 

[MHealthJo]

There was absolutely nothing inept about your paragraph, Desiderata. These things certainly are complicated, and you gave a very good summary of what is happening.

I think therapy is going to be a fantastic idea for you, and be sure to seek that feeling where there is openmindedness, comfortableness to go at the right pace for you, and a very very sharp intellectual mind like yours, on the side of the therapist. (For a few sessions it can take a little bit of 'feeling out' the other person. A good therapist who wants to help you, will try to work out if there is a good fit in what they can give to you, and could even see if they can direct you to someone else they think might meet your needs if you have a feeling that the 'fit' doesn't seem quite right after a little while.)

I can tell that you have moved forward by the more action-oriented sound of you in this post. This is excellent Desiderata. You are almost there, all you have to do now is make that appointment. You've done well moving further out of that very passive, sluggish feeling we can get so stuck in. Really great that you have kept talking here so that you could edge closer to the moment of action. In that 'stuck' mode, that's not easy to do. So kudos to you.

When we have for one reason or another let things crowd out ways for us to get our needs met, we forget that having those needs met somehow or other really can happen.

The right therapist's higher level understanding of our uniqueness, their high quality well-informed ability to truly, truly understand us on the inside, their committed interest in doing so, and the high level conversations we can begin having once we feel comfortable with a very very sharp therapist who can nonjudgmentally understand our uniqueness, begins to go a very very long way in meeting needs for us.

Having needs being met this way by feeling that we're really understood by someone, after a little while we feel so much stronger and more engaged in life, and so much more able if need be to start looking at other ways we can get all sorts of needs met better - or find the right 'language' to explain certain needs to loved ones, without upsetting or hurting them... or all kinds of different options to suit our individual situation.

Great to hear your gradual movements Desiderata, I can tell that you are moving towards having needs met, and this is going to be really good for you. Always feel free to talk here too about where you are at in various snags on the journey, knowing that there are many different personality styles here or people with many different sides and depth, and also people with a lot of interest/knowledge in things who may understand something better perhaps than those you have access to in everyday life at the moment.