Offsetting

[gooblax]

I think I've finally figured this out: the reason that I keep feeling a need to punish myself (be it via self injury or insults) is because it's the only way I can offset the weakness of being affected by negative emotions. When it's me, feeling slightly anxious/sad/angry is weak and so punishment is required to stamp that out and prove that I'm tougher than that. Wanting to talk about my feelings is much weaker, particularly when those feelings shouldn't be a big deal and aren't even slightly serious. If I want to say something then there has to be an offset to allow it. It's not really acceptable, but if I'm going to do it then there has to be a price.

Theoretically I know this isn't working very well and isn't helpful, but there's no practical way to change anything. It's a closed loop.
I'm fed up with doing minor self injury almost every day now, fed up with thinking about this stuff, just entirely bored and sick of the bullshit, but can't see a way out of it.

 

[MHealthJo]

Wonder where / how you got the message that emotions and sensitivity and variation between people, is not okay or is something to punish, Gooblax...

Sorry that you picked up this message from somewhere. xx

It's actually a major insight, this connection you've made. (Even if you are not sure / perhaps not ready in terms of, what to do with it yet.) You've done very well by questioning it. Good for you.

---------- Post Merged at 05:09 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 12:29 AM ----------

One thing that did cross my mind, Gooblax - there is a section early on in one of Dr Phil's books (Life Strategies, I think) that aims to help a person realise that their feelings, their experience, their needs, do matter and are important enough to care about and think about. Even if lots of other people seem to have more 'serious' situations or more 'big deals' going on.... that's irrelevant...

We are human too and our feelings and whatever we're experiencing still matters. And those things are normal and healthy and OK to be significant to us... those things are normal and OK for us to think about and care about. x

 

[gooblax]

It's absurdly difficult to just read those couple of sentences. I think I found the section you mean in the audio book version I got. But I don't see how something that only really affects me can be 'important'. If it doesn't matter to someone else, then it isn't allowed to matter full stop.

 

[MHealthJo]

If it doesn't matter to someone else, then it isn't allowed to matter full stop.

Who says, Gooblax?

Who made you feel / think this?

 

[gooblax]

Who says, Gooblax?

Who made you feel / think this?

I don't think anyone did.

 

[PrincessX]

Hi gooblax! Hope you are well. Just trying to give my 2 cents here.
I think MHJo came up with a well-directed question as to who told you that. But, thinking about it, I believe that nobody directly told you anything or says anything repetitively to you. I think it is more likely that what happened is, that these believes that you do not matter, that your "small" thoughts and feelings do not matter are deeply rooted, and most likely this poisonous weed was planted in your childhood or in early adulthood experiences. I do not know, I am not you, but I believe you are going in the right direction and if you keep exploring these issues on a deeper level, and the triggers for your thougths, you might find out how to overcome these false thoughts and believes. It will be your solution, your key. I do not think anyone can give you a magic recipee and do the work for you. Maybe, it would be helpful if you start doing some deep self-therapeutic reflections, finding some self-help strategies.
P.S.: I posted a youtube video here in the "Relationships" section by Daniel Mackler. I think it might help you watching it, as I found it helpful myself.

---------- Post Merged at 10:52 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:32 AM ----------

P.S.: I posted a youtube video here in the "Relationships" section by Daniel Mackler. I think it might help you watching it, as I found it helpful myself.

I watched the video again, and I must say, I like the first part of it, however, when he starts talking about celibacy as a tool to reach wisdom or enlightment or anything else, well.. I thought that was extreme and irrelevant to most people. So, take this video with a grain of salt.

 

[gooblax]

Thanks for the ideas PrincessX.

However I don't think that approach is very relevant to me. While I can see how it could be helpful for some people, I'm really just not all that interested in getting all deep and reflective or whatever. It seems impractical for my situation, regardless of whether some situations/attitudes had an inadvertent effect on me. I bore myself as it is, without intentionally trying to think things through.

But yeah, thanks anyway.

 

[PrincessX]

Then. I guess do whatever works for you. I still believe in the power of exercise and relaxation techniques. I agree that this deep digging is not always practical and it takes time.