On the verge of collapse

[rubysky]

Hi, I'm new here and I need some help, or just to have the knowledge that someone "out there" is reading this.

I'm a new mom to a 5 month old baby boy who is wonderful. And I'm in a relationship, and living with his father, who is not so wonderful. The pregnancy itself was an accident, but we were both happy it happened. We moved in together about two months before the baby was born and things have been really rough.

We fight almost every day. I hate it. I think he actually hates me. Sex comes up a lot, and he complains that with an infant around we just aren't intimate and he's sick and tired of it. He doesn't really help much around the house (he does stuff but not much with the baby because he says he's too young/boring)... He's amazing with our son, just doesn't take initiative to spend one on one time with him and give me some free time to myself.

When we fight, he's telling me I never listen to him and don't take him seriously. That I'm condescending. A typical pattern is an argument, him storming off into the garage to smoke, me trying to talk to him, him saying I just don't stop and to stop it and leave him alone. He won't discuss things. Gets angry if I push and says "if you want me to leave I'll just pack my stuff and go." I tell him I don't want him to go, I want us to get along.

He has a shitty history. His ex wife of ten years left him after he confessed to cheating. That sent him in a downward spiral of depression and self destruction through alcohol and drugs. When we met he was still reeling, somewhat I think. I know what we have is **** most days but I want it to work. I don't want my son to grow up without his dad (but I know that I can't stay with him for the little one's sake because it's unhealthy)... I don't want my boyfriend to spiral downward again and do anything self destructive. I'm scared. He probably would just lose all desire to take care of himself if we split and he wasn't seeing his son every day.

I guess I just don't know when to call it quits. He refuses to see a counselor with me. When do I know that's I've tried everything and that it's time to give up? How do I go forward?

My son is more important to me than anything. I just don't know what to do, or when to do it.

Sorry this is so disjointed. Baby crying and I'm trying to get this all out before I lose it.

 

[Retired]

Sorry to hear about your situation, Ruby.

It sounds like this man has severe issues that he refuses to recognize and until he does there is little you can do to change his behaviour.

Have you considered receiving counseling for yourself, to improve your self esteem and assertiveness, to help you become more emotionally independent?

Do you have a profession and/or financial resources of your own to support your own independence in the event you choose to end the relationship?

Relationships are built on trust and cooperation, and both of these are demonstrated by actions and not words.

It sounds like your husband is emotionally and psychologically abusing you and you need to work on developing your own sense of independence, that will put you in a position of strength when negotiating with him.

Do you have access to legal counsel to help you sort out youor financial, legal and personal affairs?

 

[forgetmenot]

Perhaps if he is saying you are not listening and communicating then tell him time to go see a marriage councilor someone that can help you both in this relationship
If he wants the relationship to work then he has to also work at it and not walk away each time there is a problem.
Like Steve has said if he won't go YOU go ok and get the skills you need to be independent of him Your child needs stability yes so you can give your child that by getting you strong ok hugs

 

[rubysky]

Thank you both for your input. I didn't consider going to see someone on my own. That's perhaps the best thing right now.
If we do decide to split, I would be fine. I'm currently supporting us both basically, although I'm on maternity leave, so him leaving wouldn't affect me financially until the Spring, when I'd have to put my son in daycare. (Otherwise, he was supposed to stay home with my boyfriend while I went to work so that we could save on childcare costs.) I'm more employable than he is, which is why we discussed this route prior to having the baby actually.

Things have been a bit better the past two days. He appears to be making an effort which is helpful.

I had someone tell me that if I decide to stay with him, that I need to learn to accept him as he is and stop expecting him to change because people don't change. To focus on the good. How realistic is this?

 

[rubysky]

By "making an effort" I mean he hasn't snapped at me. I've also been better at thinking before I speak..

 

[forgetmenot]

People can change if they want to change it they work at it
You need to set boundaries ok and if he does not deal with his anger outbreaks then he will not change he has to want to get help
I hope you do go see a therapist for you ok I am glad things have improved a bit but seek counseling ok it cannot hurt only better your situation

 

[Retired]

I had someone tell me that if I decide to stay with him, that I need to learn to accept him as he is and stop expecting him to change because people don't change. To focus on the good. How realistic is this?

It may be his reality, but hardly an acceptable solution. That person is quite right, you cannot change his behaviour unless and until he accepts the fact his behaviour is abusive and unacceptable and is willing to take necessary steps to modify that behaviour by receiving professional counseling....that has to be your reality.

Your "advisor's" advice sounds like advice from another victim who has capitulated to his/her abuser, unfortunately.

An adult relationship is based on mutual love and respect for each other's rights and feelings, with a willingness to accommodate the other's idiosyncrasies as long as those idiosyncrasies don't adversely affect the quality of the relationship. We all have peculiarities but in adult relationship where love and respect are unconditional.

Abusers typically "make an effort" in an attempt to keep their victim off balance with the false hope there will be a change in behaviour. The reality is that abusive behaviour is learned behaviour and is a knee jerk inappropriate reaction to situations in the relationship and unless the abuser has received professional help to learn and apply strategies to manage the abusive reactions, improvement is unlikely.

At present he does not appear to have any incentive for change. A discussion with your own counsellor would provide you with some strategies you could employ to take back control of your life, your environment, provide him with options for how he can modify his behaviour and give your partner incentive for change. Then it is up to him to act on your requirements.

Hoping for spontaneous change in behaviour is self deceiving, in my view.

You might find some additional insights in this article: Signs of Emotional Abuse | World of Psychology

 

[rubysky]

Wow. Thank you Steve, for your insight. I will do as you suggest and read through that article. You've been very helpful. Really appreciate your perspective here.