Our son is being bullied

[kaht]

My partner's son, who is about to turn 14, came to us tonight and poured his heart out about being bullied at school. He must have cried for over an hour and I can't even remember the last time I saw him cry. He is just so cut up inside. Apparently this has been going on since January when he started at a new school after we moved to the area. He gets picked on by one boy in particular, who is big and intimidating and teases him that he has no friends at the school. He is not being physically threatened, but the teasing is causing him a lot of emotional damage. He is really tempted to take this kid on and hit him, but he is also half the size of him! This boy is happy to sit next to him and joke with him on the bus, but as soon as they arrive at school and are around their peers, he changes and turns on him.

Our son is good looking and has had a few of the girls at the new school ask him out. He's also very sporty and smart and I suspect that this bully is jealous of him and only behaves like this when the girls are around and he percieves our son as a threat. Our boy has tried asking him why he's nice to him on the bus, but turns on him when they're at school, but the bully has no answer of course. He is absolutely adamant that he does not want us to speak to his teachers because a kid who was similarly being bullied and spoke out earlier in the year is now being picked on even worse. Also, this kid is apparently leaving and moving to another school when this school year ends in December. Our son reckons he just needs to sit tight and ride it out until he's gone. I think it seems unfair that he should have to suffer another 4 and a half months of this while this kid gets away with his bully boy tactics.

I've asked our son if he would consider speaking to the school counsellor, but he has no faith in her and doesn't think it would benefit him at all. When we asked if he saw any solution to the problem, he said there wasn't one other than waiting for this kid to move schools. We've told him in the meantime he needs to remember that nothing this kid says is actually relevant or has any bearing on the truth and not to buy into his rubbish and let what he says affect his grades or his self-esteem. We also suggested he should refuse to sit next to him on the bus and if this kid says anything to tell him that if he can't act decently towards him when they are at school, he doesn't want to hang out with him at all. Also, I told him to try and pretend that what he says is meaningless and ignore him, even if the things he is hearing really hurt because I figure this bully might lessen his teasing if it appears to have no effect. It's difficult though because this bully is part of our son's group at school and no-one else in the group will stand up to him and he's afraid he'll lose the whole lot of them if he stands up to him. It's actually a girl in their group who is fuelling this hostility because our son wasn't interested in dating her and she's going around trying to turn everyone against him and this bully has jumped onboard because he's dating a good friend of hers and she's threatened to break them up if he doesn't make our son's life a misery!

What else can we do? I'm really worried about him, as he's gone being from a bright A grade student, who was the class clown surrounded by admiring kids, to being a withdrawn boy who stays home playing his game console all weekend and who brought home a school report way below his capabilities at the end of last term (not surprisingly!).

 

[Retired]

Althouugh I cannot offer first hand suggestions on the topic, while awaiting the input of other Psychlinks members who may have pertinent insights, I would offer the following resources for your consideration:

Bullying: Help your child handle a school bully - MayoClinic.com

Stop Bullying Now! Information, Prevention, Tips, and Games.

There are locally sponsored organizations in various Countries, States, Provinces to assist in dealing with this issue.

In what part of the world are you located? We can try to search for a local resource for you.

 

[kaht]

Thanks Steve, I will have a look at the resources you've attached. We're in Queensland, Australia.

 

[Lana]

Hi Kaht;

There are so many things here that raise more questions, rather than answers, and I'm not really sure where to begin. But I'll give it an honest try.

First, I don't know if I'd want to get involved it the drama between your son and other teens. During teen years, personal identities form, as well as styles of coping and dealing with others, setting of personal boundaries, sexual identity, and not to mention, coping with expectations of teachers and parents (now that they're older and all that jazz).

If your son prefers not to confront the other boy, I'd respect that and leave it at that. I think I'd focus more on helping him develop, rather then sort out issues that others may be doing. This will help instill a stronger locus of control and teach him to be assertive to help him cope with similar situations in the future. I mean, let's face it, this is only the beginning and there will be other situations where he'll have to stand up for himself.

In regard to the other boy (the bully) it almost sounds like he admires your son, rather then intimidates him. It's possible that he picks on him because it makes him feel good. So, it's a case of insecurity on both their sides. In kindergarten boys pick and kick girls they like..maybe it's the same thing here.

Your son can address the boy directly and tell him (not ask him) that his teasing is upsetting and to cut it out. So something along the lines of, "Hey, I know that you're just teasing me when we're at school in front of other people, but it upsets me when you do that and I'd really appreciate it if you stopped that." Yes, he may risk the friendship and things may even escalate, but let's not forget, the other boy is learning too. So, all of this is nothing but social orientation among teens and is perfectly normal.

As for the gossiping girl....her he should just ignore. He knows why she's saying what she's saying, so let her. If others choose to believe her over him, well he should thank the girl for showing him who his real friends are.

And again...I wouldn't get in a middle of it all myself. One of the things that your son will learn is what it's like to respect and be respected which will give him the self-confidence and assurance needed to find solutions that work best for him.

 

[kaht]

Thanks for your views Lana. I agree with you about our son needing to address this kid directly, especially having read a few online resources now (including some posted by David Baxter and Steve's above). I will definitely advise him to be try being assertive and vocal with this bully about what he wants to happen from here on.

I'm afraid I don't agree with you about this just being "social orientation" among peers and "normal" behaviour. Bullying does not have to be physical to cause damage. The fact that its incidence is increasing in our schools may make bullying statically normal, but it does not make it acceptable. I think it's a more useful outcome, like you suggest, if our son can tackle this situation himself and learn a valuable lesson as well as come out of it with his self-esteem intact, but I think it sends a dire message to young people and society when adults can sit back and do nothing in the face of aggressive, damaging behaviour and have a "kids being kids" attitude towards psychological abuse. Our son has taken on kids in playground battles in the past and does not lack assertion normally, but he is so severely frightened by this kid's size and presence that he is currently numbed into inaction out of fear. That feeling of being powerless to act can't be good for his self-esteem, which has definitely taken a severe knock.

If he is unwilling or unable to confront this bully directly I feel we would be failing as responsible parents in providing him with a protective and nurturing environment, especially as he has come to us of his own volition about this issue and said that he is not coping with it. I'm not advocating fighting all his battles for him, but I'll be damed if some punk over-size kid with a bad attitude is going to turn our kid from a smart confident achiever into a depressed, anxious recluse and get away with it.

 

[Lana]

Hi Kaht;

I wasn't suggesting that you sit idely by. What I was referring to, is this:

but I'll be damed if some punk over-size kid with a bad attitude is going to turn our kid from a smart confident achiever into a depressed, anxious recluse and get away with it.

When I read that, I get "My kid is becoming an anxious recluse and I need to fix that by removing the issue" First, you're labeling your kid -- "depressed anxious recluse" Second, you're labeling the other kid "some punk over-size kid" (I wont' go into the issues I have with that label because that's not what this post is about) Third, your primary concern comes across as, "turn our kid from smart confident achiever"

With all due respect, it seems to me that you have more of an issue with this and how it affects your interests (perhaps you were bullied when you were young and it went unresolved...I don't know). What I was suggesting is that the focus be on your son, for your son, for what is best for him. I felt that teaching him to speak up and out and address the source of the problem would be more beneficial for him in the long run. There will be plety of other bullies in life and he can't sink everytime he meets one of them. What I was saying is that I'm more concerned with the fact that your son is not coping well. Something is wrong, and the bully is the trigger. Who else bullied him before? Did he win? Or did he just sit back until it passed?

I think if you don't address that, or send him to therapy sessions to address it, he won't learn how to cope and that will hurt him more later and possibly affect his life choices. Avoidance is not a good thing, for anyone. I know. I had to figure my way out of it.

However, having said all that, you are his parent and you, obviously, know what you need to do. I sincerely wish you the best possible outcome for all involved.

 

[Daniel E.]

There will be plety of other bullies in life and he can't sink everytime he meets one of them.

Of course, that's a generalization. I mean, I haven't been bullied since elementary school. I never had a boss bully me. Only idiots on the school ground (or in PC language, kids with a low emotional IQ) .

 

[Lana]

Of course, that's a generalization. I mean, I haven't been bullied since elementary school. I never had a boss bully me. Only idiots on the school ground (or in PC language, kids with a low emotional IQ) .

I have been. In elementary school, when I immigrated to Canada, at work (and even sexually harassed), and at home.

 

[Mari]

I don't know Lana - it seems a bit like you are blaming the victim. He may need all the help he can get but if the bully was using a knife instead of words I am sure action would be much quicker on the part of authorities. All three of my sons have been bullied at school and if I had to do it over I would take a much stronger stand. In at least one of the incidences I wish I had just gone straight to the police - I think the resolution would have been better. :noidea: Mari

 

[Daniel E.]

I would agree with the following perspective:

We adults need to change our attitudes about bullying. Whatever is unacceptable behavior in the adult world is unacceptable behavior in a child’s world. If an adult were bullied at work, for example, there could be repercussions for that type of behavior, which may include the bully being fired, disciplined, or even a lawsuit. In addition, if the bullied worker chooses not to do anything, they could leave their job and go to work somewhere else. Under the same conditions, could a bullied child have his or her bully fired or easily decide to leave school? This has proven to be unlikely.

Bullying -> Bullycide: a suicide caused from bullying and depression

 

[Into The Light]

kaht, i don't have any experience in these matters but here are a few ideas of what i might do if i were in your shoes.

first of all, does he know that what he says to the school counsellor would be confidential? (at least, i am assuming it is - you may want to check this out to be sure.) it sounds like he is scared that the adults at the school are going to take action that he might not want them to. so what i would do is suggest to him that you could both go to the school counsellor together and that you would tell the school counsellor not to take any action unless approved by your son. you could go together the first couple of times and maybe after that let him go on his own (or whenever he is comfortable doing that).

i think it is important that he feels like he's in control of the situation.

i know you said he doesn't have faith in the school counselor and that he believes there's no solution, but i am wondering if he doesn't have faith in her because of his belief that there is no solution?

the other thing i would make sure i did was to let him know he can talk to you and that whatever happens you're on his side. he probably already knows that because he told you about the situation in the first place, but keep giving him that message.

bullying is a serious problem and i myself wouldn't stand by doing nothing. keep working on it, keep looking for solutions and information, talk to your son, and keep working on taking away the feeling that there's nothing to be done. there IS something to be done, you just need to figure it out together. just having you on his side working on this actively i am sure will make a big difference to him in this situation.

 

[Lana]

I don't know Lana - it seems a bit like you are blaming the victim. He may need all the help he can get but if the bully was using a knife instead of words I am sure action would be much quicker on the part of authorities. All three of my sons have been bullied at school and if I had to do it over I would take a much stronger stand. In at least one of the incidences I wish I had just gone straight to the police - I think the resolution would have been better. :noidea: Mari

I'm not blaming the victim at all here, Mari. What I'm saying (obviously not successfully) is that parents need to tread carefully and not make him into a victim in the first place. Don't take away their ability to make their own choices, their independence, and respect. Teach the kids to stand up for themselves. eg. If I came to someone and said, so-and-so is bullying me, it is way better for me to stand up to the so-and-so and I am looking for suggestions or advice. Whether I exercise them or not, is up to me. But the locus of control is with me. I decide what happens, not someone else, bully or bully stopper. I don't know about you all but I personally like being in control of my own destiny and what happens to me...mostly because I don't trust others to do what is best for me...they're busy doing it for themselves...as it should be.

I feel like this thread has turned into some kind of bashing so this will be the last post for me. All I was saying is that don't make your son into a victim and feed that. Being a victim is a much harder habit to break then it is to learn how to be a victor. The choice, as in anything, is yours. Good luck and all the best.

over and out.

 

[Mari]

:blush: Sorry Lana. This is a sensitive issue for me as bullying was a factor in my son's death. I think the link Daniel gave in his post explains things much better than I could. There is no simple solution that I know of and I hope kaht finds the help that my son and myself never did. :heart: Mari

 

[Daniel E.]

I suspect that this bully is jealous of him and only behaves like this when the girls are around and he percieves our son as a threat.

Similarly:

Imagine it like a triangle: you have the bully and the victim engaged in this dance, and then there's an audience, like a play. The audience are the bystanders who clap or applaud in various ways and do things that facilitate the process. As in any sort of play, if there's no audience, the actors are not really very inspired.. So when something happens in the school, everybody is responsible, not just the kids involved in it, and when you take that philosophical shift, there's a huge change in the way kids see each other.

http://www.scienceblog.com/community/older/2000/A/200000613.html

Regarding the "dance" mentioned in the excerpt above:

These children develop a history with each other, and the behavior of each reinforces the other. Call it the bully-victim dance.

Psychology Today: Big Bad Bully

Anyway, the following looks like an interesting, helpful book:

Amazon.com: The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence: Barbara Coloroso: Books
The Bully, the Bullied, and the ... - Google Book Search

The author of that book has some handouts on her website. An excerpt from one:

Four most powerful antidotes to bullying:
Strong self of self, being a friend, having at least one good friend who is there for you through thick and thin, and being able to successfully get into a group — and get out when it does not serve you well.

http://www.kidsareworthit.com/handouts/TeasingTauntingHandout.pdf

Another book:

Amazon.com: Bullyproof Your Child For Life: Protect Your Child from Teasing, Taunting, and Bullying for Good: Joel Haber, Jenna Glatzer: Books

Using the Amazon "Search Inside" feature, my favorite excerpt is from yet another book:

Bullies, like Customs officials, respond to the target's change in facial expression, body language, voice and actions following the initial attack. If the target remains neutral in a blank, trance-like, spaced-out state, the bully's power dissipates.

Bully Blocking: Six Secrets to Help Children Deal With Teasing and Bullying

The Australian website of the above author gives a brief account of her six "secrets":

Evelyn's unique model, the 'Secrets of Relating'

1. Feelings - Your feelings influence how you behave and what you say and do. You need to identify, quantify and release your feelings so that you can become assertive, not aggressive or passive aggressive. You can also use your gut instinct to protect yourself.
2. Reasons – You need to understand why things happened, and perhaps why the other person treated you in the way they did. You don’t have to blame yourself or anyone else, which makes you powerless, instead, just work out what you need to change to become empowered.
3. Self esteem - Everyone needs good self-esteem to be valued, motivated and successful. If you are affected by bullying your self-esteem will be low. You need to build your self esteem so that you have the energy to protect yourself and make a group of good friends who will protect you from difficult people and obtain help from others.
4. Communication skills – the communication recipe involves using your body language, voice and the right words. When you use these skills you can block bullies, obtain respect and make real friends.
5. ‘Power pack’ – There are difficult and mean people around, there are even more who are just having a bad day. Despite what someone told you, even if you are nice to everyone, they won’t always be nice to you. You need to protect yourself and block meanness and bullying.
6. Support network – like the animal world, everyone needs intimate and wider networks to give them support and protection. You need a close bunch of good friends, and you need to know who else can help you.

Bully Blocking with Evelyn M. Field