Recovering From Your Past: Finding Closure

[David Baxter PhD]

Get Over It Already! Bouncing Back from Your Past
by Linda Sapadin, Ph.D
June 3, 2013

You?re upset about something that happened to you. It?s not easy for you to get beyond it. It could have happened today or decades ago. It could be what others consider a big thing (a death) or a small thing (a slight). No matter. What happened to you still triggers emotional pain.

Others are sympathetic at first, offering empathy and support. But it?s not long in our fast-paced society until people begin to lose patience with you. ?Get over it already!? is their new message.

Not a bad idea, you think. But how do you do this? If you could get over it already, wouldn?t you have done it?

You?re right. Lots of people don?t know how to create closure after a hurtful blow. They don?t know how to move on. They don?t know how to let go. They don?t know how to bounce back from a psychic injury.

If this describes you, see if these guidelines might be helpful:

1. Wounds take time to heal. So, be gentle with yourself. If you find yourself being judgmental for what you did or didn?t do, take a deep breath. Let go of your judgments. Let yourself be.
2. You may want nothing more than to be left alone with your hurt and anger. Do that. But not for too long. Take a nap. But do not spend the day in bed.
3. Summon up the courage to start the day anew. Get out of bed. Let go of the anger. Be open to what a new day might bring.
4. Talk to someone who understands, not just what happened, but what the event means to you. If someone starts ?Yes, Butting? your experience, that?s not the right person.
5. Life often is a harsh teacher. Be aware of what you?ve learned from the hurtful experience ? about yourself, about the other person, and about life itself.
6. If what you learned seems to be all negative (you can?t trust anyone, life stinks), think outside the box to find something positive. It may take time to realize what this might be.
7. Focus on what?s important to you now. What do you truly appreciate now? Despite the loss, despite the hurt, despite the disappointment, what?s still good about life?
8. Reflect on what you can do now. You can?t undo the past. But possibly, you can make this very next day a better day for you.

Creating closure doesn?t mean repressing your feelings. It doesn?t mean forgetting about what happened. It simply means that you put less emphasis on the past in order to create a future. You let today in. And tomorrow in. And next week in. And next year in. Then one day, you recognize that you have indeed ?gotten over it.?

 

[Hunter]

Many good points, but what do you do when you can not seem to move past the abuse.

Currently, I am going through hell. I am seeing my past abuse in my day, and nightmares. I am busy doing house work, or walking my dogs, or at work, and like BOOM I am thrown back into the flashback of being sexually abused.

My doc has tried many meds with me, things do not really improve. I try to keep myself so busy that I do not have time for my mind to wander off into the abuse that I suffered for way too many years.

Not sure on what I can do, or try, but I am really at this point in my life, I am so angry, pissed off and feeling so defeated and alone.

I have a loving relationship with my partner for 14 years, but still each and everyday I am slammed back into facing every living detail of my past.

Anyone can offer any suggestions, I would be most grateful

 

[Retired]

My doc has tried many meds with me, things do not really improve.

Has your medication therapy been supplemented with supportive psychotherapy?

 

[GDPR]

....my therapist said "there's no pill that's going to take this away". He said the only way to get past it is to work through it,that the more you try to not think about it,the more you do. And it's not just magically going to go away.

I have been trying to work my way through it in therapy for the past 3 and 1/2 years. Sometimes I get frustrated because it is taking so long,but I was sexually abused for the first 17 years of my life,I guess I can't expect a quick fix.

I will ask the same thing Steve did,have you tried psychotherapy along with your medication?