David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder: A Personal Essay
by Emily [1], Florida Borderline Personality Association
June 24, 2009
I had already started changing my life and future long before I ever went through Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). The amazing thing about many of the people I’ve met with this diagnosis is their resiliency and unwillingness to give up on trying new ways to feel better. Some people in mental health may see this as frustrating and negative ‘help seeking’ behavior. I see it as strong people who refuse to give up on themselves and will fight to get the help they so desperately need in a system so desperately flawed.
I’d like to share some of my personal lived experience to try and illustrate what is has been like for me to live as an exquisitely sensitive and curious person (notice the lack of mental health labels from here on in).
According to my mother, I have been a fiercely independent person since birth. I had a need to do things my way. I wanted to experience everything, be part of everything, learn and know everything. I would ask constant questions. I was an emotional, curious, empathic and somewhat wreckless child. A “touch the burning ember” kind of child.
I was constantly called a whiner by family and adult care givers, made fun of and told I was gullible. I had a lot of trust for the adults in my life and unfortunately because I was such a sensitive inquisitive child in an invalidating environment this wasn’t always a good mix. I still suffer the consequences of this. Trust does not come easily to me, but I’m learning.
My mother believes that she was an insensitive mother and that my brother and I were exquisitely sensitive children. I don’t believe that my mother was insensitive on purpose, but for whatever reason—having to fight for her own survival, lack of parenting skills, having two creative/sensitive children and being a single parent – there was a lot of support, parenting and validation she wasn’t able to provide. It forced me to take care of myself.
I was a child soldier pushing through adversity, physical, sexual and emotional abuse, neglect and faulty social systems while experiencing the intense pain and joy of life, learning and hanging onto those metaphorical ‘burning embers’ to see if they would still hurt to touch. There is value in learning through experience even though it hurts like hell sometimes.
I acknowledge the pain in my life and thanks in part to DBT, I can now recognize the amazing things I’ve done and the gift of being the way I am… and believe me, it is a gift and people like me deserve everything that others without this disorder have.
I have driven race cars, I have travelled across Ireland on my own. I have taken off in a moments notice to go on trips and I’ll do these things hopefully many many more times. Some people go to a mental health facility when they are in crisis… I never had anyone around to put me in a mental health facility, and I’m often thankful for that. To some I might be referred to as “manic” or “unstable”… I think of myself as brave and experiential…
I play ball hockey, I ride my bicycle, I draw. I work long hours and I read psychological and medial research papers that are out of my league. I study the economic market, manage my money and I do my own taxes. At times when I feel lonely I wish there weren’t so many hours in the day, but in reality I secretly wish I had more time to complete all of the things I’d love to do.
I was told as a child that I would never go to university because I wasn’t smart enough and didn’t have the patience or stability. I was expelled from and never finished high school. “You never complete anything!” They would say. I just needed extra support and validation. I now hold two university degrees – that I paid for myself. Tell me I can’t do something… I’ll show you that you are wrong (yes sometimes this strategy backfires, but I have lived a very rich/chaotic life because of it – and I wouldn’t have it any other way).
I encourage the people I work in the same manner. People can do what they set their minds to with support, motivation and most importantly validation.
This ‘disorder’ has made me a warrior and, at times, a complete mess. It has been said that clients affected by BPD are the best ’supervisors’ for therapists. Is this because individuals affected by BPD are extremely intelligent, empathic and in tune to others? These traits are strengths.
I remember asking questions to my parents and grandparents and how frustrated they would sometimes get with my incessant questions. I know now that my need for information and self discovery was beyond their intellectual or emotional abilities. It wasn’t their fault, but I needed more care, more knowledge and more validation than they were capable of giving – so I found it myself.
I sometimes still think of myself as weak, fragile and a ‘mental patient’. I sometimes think I’m a drama queen. I have had friends walk away from me when I’m not feeling well. I have a few great friends that have stuck with me and are there for me when I need them. When my friends that have walked away need my help, I am there for them -because I know what it feels like to have people turn their backs out of frustration and misunderstanding.
It hurts me so badly when relationships end and I mourn in a very deep and profound way. It has taken me a long time to realize that I want to have friends – Dear friends that mean the world to me, all I have to do is reach out and connect. DBT helped teach me about giving and receiving friendship. It has also taught me to realize that deep down I do appreciate my alone time.
I feel. I feel things at such an intense level that it can be excruciating and exhilarating. I wonder what life would be like if I didn’t feel so intensely? Would my life be as interesting and diverse as it has been?
The reason I keep going is because for every ounce of pain I have felt there have been moments of sheer and utter glory. I can pickup a sliver of grass and be amazed at its beauty. I can eat one chocolate truffle and be in ecstasy.
Recently I went through a bout of severe depression and I sent a message to a close friend and asked him to “make me happy” and he replied “You are a ray of sunshine”. I decided that I would be a ray of sunshine for the rest of the day. I got on my bicycle and rode to the old folks home and waved at the seniors who were eating their dinner. Instead of beating myself up and feeling sad and sorrowful, I took all of that sadness and despair and flipped it on its head and made it my goal to make other people smile and in return I felt intense joy. Opposite-to-Emotion Action has by far been the most important skill I have mastered over these last few years.
It takes a ton of work to do this sometimes, but every time I decide to keep ‘pushing on’ I discover a new treasure, a new love or a new ice cream flavor. All I have to do is reach out and try. This essay may have an air of ‘Emilyi has done some wonderful things’ – and if it does then it is a testament to all of the hard work I have done in the past 2 years. I have spent a lifetime diminishing my accomplishments and feeling a profound sense of shame (when in reality it is those who have abused and mistreated me that need to hold that shame).
Today I got out of my car and on the ground between my feet was a fortune cookie fortune that said “you will make a name for yourself”. That’s what pushing on means to me.
This is what recovery looks like—owning what I’ve done and feeling proud of myself for a change.
I don’t “need” my family’s support or permission to recover, but it sure would help if they tried to understand their role in how I became this way and worked on their issues.
The only person that is really capable of holding me down anymore is me, and thankfully I have developed the skills and self awareness to realize that I can and regularly do ‘let up’ on myself and push on!
[1] A pseudonym
by Emily [1], Florida Borderline Personality Association
June 24, 2009
I had already started changing my life and future long before I ever went through Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). The amazing thing about many of the people I’ve met with this diagnosis is their resiliency and unwillingness to give up on trying new ways to feel better. Some people in mental health may see this as frustrating and negative ‘help seeking’ behavior. I see it as strong people who refuse to give up on themselves and will fight to get the help they so desperately need in a system so desperately flawed.
I’d like to share some of my personal lived experience to try and illustrate what is has been like for me to live as an exquisitely sensitive and curious person (notice the lack of mental health labels from here on in).
According to my mother, I have been a fiercely independent person since birth. I had a need to do things my way. I wanted to experience everything, be part of everything, learn and know everything. I would ask constant questions. I was an emotional, curious, empathic and somewhat wreckless child. A “touch the burning ember” kind of child.
I was constantly called a whiner by family and adult care givers, made fun of and told I was gullible. I had a lot of trust for the adults in my life and unfortunately because I was such a sensitive inquisitive child in an invalidating environment this wasn’t always a good mix. I still suffer the consequences of this. Trust does not come easily to me, but I’m learning.
My mother believes that she was an insensitive mother and that my brother and I were exquisitely sensitive children. I don’t believe that my mother was insensitive on purpose, but for whatever reason—having to fight for her own survival, lack of parenting skills, having two creative/sensitive children and being a single parent – there was a lot of support, parenting and validation she wasn’t able to provide. It forced me to take care of myself.
I was a child soldier pushing through adversity, physical, sexual and emotional abuse, neglect and faulty social systems while experiencing the intense pain and joy of life, learning and hanging onto those metaphorical ‘burning embers’ to see if they would still hurt to touch. There is value in learning through experience even though it hurts like hell sometimes.
I acknowledge the pain in my life and thanks in part to DBT, I can now recognize the amazing things I’ve done and the gift of being the way I am… and believe me, it is a gift and people like me deserve everything that others without this disorder have.
I have driven race cars, I have travelled across Ireland on my own. I have taken off in a moments notice to go on trips and I’ll do these things hopefully many many more times. Some people go to a mental health facility when they are in crisis… I never had anyone around to put me in a mental health facility, and I’m often thankful for that. To some I might be referred to as “manic” or “unstable”… I think of myself as brave and experiential…
I play ball hockey, I ride my bicycle, I draw. I work long hours and I read psychological and medial research papers that are out of my league. I study the economic market, manage my money and I do my own taxes. At times when I feel lonely I wish there weren’t so many hours in the day, but in reality I secretly wish I had more time to complete all of the things I’d love to do.
I was told as a child that I would never go to university because I wasn’t smart enough and didn’t have the patience or stability. I was expelled from and never finished high school. “You never complete anything!” They would say. I just needed extra support and validation. I now hold two university degrees – that I paid for myself. Tell me I can’t do something… I’ll show you that you are wrong (yes sometimes this strategy backfires, but I have lived a very rich/chaotic life because of it – and I wouldn’t have it any other way).
I encourage the people I work in the same manner. People can do what they set their minds to with support, motivation and most importantly validation.
This ‘disorder’ has made me a warrior and, at times, a complete mess. It has been said that clients affected by BPD are the best ’supervisors’ for therapists. Is this because individuals affected by BPD are extremely intelligent, empathic and in tune to others? These traits are strengths.
I remember asking questions to my parents and grandparents and how frustrated they would sometimes get with my incessant questions. I know now that my need for information and self discovery was beyond their intellectual or emotional abilities. It wasn’t their fault, but I needed more care, more knowledge and more validation than they were capable of giving – so I found it myself.
I sometimes still think of myself as weak, fragile and a ‘mental patient’. I sometimes think I’m a drama queen. I have had friends walk away from me when I’m not feeling well. I have a few great friends that have stuck with me and are there for me when I need them. When my friends that have walked away need my help, I am there for them -because I know what it feels like to have people turn their backs out of frustration and misunderstanding.
It hurts me so badly when relationships end and I mourn in a very deep and profound way. It has taken me a long time to realize that I want to have friends – Dear friends that mean the world to me, all I have to do is reach out and connect. DBT helped teach me about giving and receiving friendship. It has also taught me to realize that deep down I do appreciate my alone time.
I feel. I feel things at such an intense level that it can be excruciating and exhilarating. I wonder what life would be like if I didn’t feel so intensely? Would my life be as interesting and diverse as it has been?
The reason I keep going is because for every ounce of pain I have felt there have been moments of sheer and utter glory. I can pickup a sliver of grass and be amazed at its beauty. I can eat one chocolate truffle and be in ecstasy.
Recently I went through a bout of severe depression and I sent a message to a close friend and asked him to “make me happy” and he replied “You are a ray of sunshine”. I decided that I would be a ray of sunshine for the rest of the day. I got on my bicycle and rode to the old folks home and waved at the seniors who were eating their dinner. Instead of beating myself up and feeling sad and sorrowful, I took all of that sadness and despair and flipped it on its head and made it my goal to make other people smile and in return I felt intense joy. Opposite-to-Emotion Action has by far been the most important skill I have mastered over these last few years.
It takes a ton of work to do this sometimes, but every time I decide to keep ‘pushing on’ I discover a new treasure, a new love or a new ice cream flavor. All I have to do is reach out and try. This essay may have an air of ‘Emilyi has done some wonderful things’ – and if it does then it is a testament to all of the hard work I have done in the past 2 years. I have spent a lifetime diminishing my accomplishments and feeling a profound sense of shame (when in reality it is those who have abused and mistreated me that need to hold that shame).
Today I got out of my car and on the ground between my feet was a fortune cookie fortune that said “you will make a name for yourself”. That’s what pushing on means to me.
This is what recovery looks like—owning what I’ve done and feeling proud of myself for a change.
I don’t “need” my family’s support or permission to recover, but it sure would help if they tried to understand their role in how I became this way and worked on their issues.
The only person that is really capable of holding me down anymore is me, and thankfully I have developed the skills and self awareness to realize that I can and regularly do ‘let up’ on myself and push on!
[1] A pseudonym
