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HOW TO GET A JOB
From the book: How to do Everything
By Red Green
There may be times in your adult life when you are unemployed, occasionally through no fault of your own. But regardless of how you got yourself into that predicament, the only way out is to find yourself other employment. And to do that, you will probably need to have a successful job interview. Here’s how:
Overdress. Show respect for the job by dressing a few levels above what you’ll be wearing if you get it. If you’ll be wearing coveralls, wear a suit. If you’ll be wearing a suit, wear a tuxedo. If you’ll be wearing a paper hat, wear a felt fedora. Give the impression that you are just slightly overqualified. Generally, the interviewer will put more stock in how you look than in what you say. Good thing.
Drop the bravado. Pretending you don’t need the job makes you look like an idiot. If you didn’t want the job, you wouldn’t be at the interview. So instead of focusing on the contempt you have for the position that’s being offered, try to present yourself as the best possible candidate, even though we all know it’s a crappy job.
Do a little grooming. Get your hair washed and cut. If you don’t have hair, get a buff. Don’t wear any body ornaments that indicate an attitude—earring, nose ring, lip ring, nipple ring, mood ring. Cover up your tattoos, even if it means wearing a long-sleeved turtleneck sweater and a Tensor bandage around your forehead.
Keep your answers short. The less you say, the better. Give pointed responses that directly answer the question. Don’t assume that the interviewer knows everything about you. Most criminal records are kept confidential.
Stay positive. Try to say yes a lot during the interview. It’s what you want them to eventually say, so it’s good to set that trend. If your attitude is negative, they may reject you just to give you another thing to complain about.
Act like you already have the job. If it’s a maintenance position, walk in with a wet plunger and tell the guy that you fixed the men’s room toilet on the way in. He’ll be impressed, even if he won’t shake hands.
Don’t dwell in the past. Try to steer all of the questions towards the future—how you’re going to handle this new job, rather than how you mishandled the last six. If the interviewer keeps referring to difficulties you’ve had at previous jobs, make that an asset by pointing out that only somebody who’d gone through those problems would have learned from those mistakes. Focus on the worst mistake you’ve ever made and remind them that the charge was reduced to manslaughter.
Stay in the moment. This interview is not really about how you’re going to perform in the job once you get it. Nobody really cares about that. It can’t be too important a job if they’re interviewing you for it. They just don’t want to hire anybody who’s really going to screw things up. As long as you’re prepared to do an average job, everybody will be happy enough. What really matters is the interviewer’s perception right now, at this moment. You may not be enjoying the interview process, but think of how they must feel about it. They have to interview thirty or forty candidates, most of whom are like you. They want the process to be over too. So just tell them exactly what they want to hear—that you’re capable, you’re available and you have enough pride to do the job at a satisfactory level, but not enough to ever be looking for any kind of promotion. Chances are they’ll hire you because they feel the same way about their job.
From the book: How to do Everything
By Red Green
There may be times in your adult life when you are unemployed, occasionally through no fault of your own. But regardless of how you got yourself into that predicament, the only way out is to find yourself other employment. And to do that, you will probably need to have a successful job interview. Here’s how:
Overdress. Show respect for the job by dressing a few levels above what you’ll be wearing if you get it. If you’ll be wearing coveralls, wear a suit. If you’ll be wearing a suit, wear a tuxedo. If you’ll be wearing a paper hat, wear a felt fedora. Give the impression that you are just slightly overqualified. Generally, the interviewer will put more stock in how you look than in what you say. Good thing.
Drop the bravado. Pretending you don’t need the job makes you look like an idiot. If you didn’t want the job, you wouldn’t be at the interview. So instead of focusing on the contempt you have for the position that’s being offered, try to present yourself as the best possible candidate, even though we all know it’s a crappy job.
Do a little grooming. Get your hair washed and cut. If you don’t have hair, get a buff. Don’t wear any body ornaments that indicate an attitude—earring, nose ring, lip ring, nipple ring, mood ring. Cover up your tattoos, even if it means wearing a long-sleeved turtleneck sweater and a Tensor bandage around your forehead.
Keep your answers short. The less you say, the better. Give pointed responses that directly answer the question. Don’t assume that the interviewer knows everything about you. Most criminal records are kept confidential.
Stay positive. Try to say yes a lot during the interview. It’s what you want them to eventually say, so it’s good to set that trend. If your attitude is negative, they may reject you just to give you another thing to complain about.
Act like you already have the job. If it’s a maintenance position, walk in with a wet plunger and tell the guy that you fixed the men’s room toilet on the way in. He’ll be impressed, even if he won’t shake hands.
Don’t dwell in the past. Try to steer all of the questions towards the future—how you’re going to handle this new job, rather than how you mishandled the last six. If the interviewer keeps referring to difficulties you’ve had at previous jobs, make that an asset by pointing out that only somebody who’d gone through those problems would have learned from those mistakes. Focus on the worst mistake you’ve ever made and remind them that the charge was reduced to manslaughter.
Stay in the moment. This interview is not really about how you’re going to perform in the job once you get it. Nobody really cares about that. It can’t be too important a job if they’re interviewing you for it. They just don’t want to hire anybody who’s really going to screw things up. As long as you’re prepared to do an average job, everybody will be happy enough. What really matters is the interviewer’s perception right now, at this moment. You may not be enjoying the interview process, but think of how they must feel about it. They have to interview thirty or forty candidates, most of whom are like you. They want the process to be over too. So just tell them exactly what they want to hear—that you’re capable, you’re available and you have enough pride to do the job at a satisfactory level, but not enough to ever be looking for any kind of promotion. Chances are they’ll hire you because they feel the same way about their job.
