greenstarz
Member
I started self injuring when I was 11 and hid it until i was around 17. Actually I told my mom about it during those years but she didn't pay attention. When I was around 17 it started to get extremely severe and out of control, and in constant need of medical attention. This continued and worsened until i was in my mid 20's and went to SAFE. I've been hospitalized in psych wards over 25 times for episodes of SI. There were many other epsiodes of SI that I did and didn't go for medicaal attention when I really should have. But after SAFE, I stopped injuring for about 2 years completely. A few years ago I started again, but it's no where near as bad as it was previously.
Anyway, my therapist had me write a letter from my skins perspective to myself about my self injury. I wrote two, about both sides of SI. Please take care and be careful when reading these. They have a lot of emotions in them and could be potentioally triggering. Here they are:
"Relief"
we say what you cant say.
we are your voice.
we remember what you cannott.
we will not forget even when those around you have forgotten.
we hear you. WE HEAR yoU CRYING, SCREAMING, DYING, SUFFOCATING, SHAKING INSIDE
we show the horror youve seen and felt. we show the world how bad its been.
we wish we were even more scarred because its not enough scarring to account for
all the pain. we know there are more scars hidden on you in other places and
they too know your struggle.
we all know how hard its been to communicate in words, to trust anyone, to feel
emotions, to have hope, to care about what happens next in life, to feel safe
enough to express yourself, to stay grounded in reality, just to choose to keep
living every single damn day within this monsterous damaged tainted used shell
called a b*dy.
we knmow how much you wish you could justs shed this dirty flesh you have to
live in.
we show all of them in that world out there just a piece of what its like.
we connect you to the world. we are your bridge from internal hell to a world
where at least the air is breathable. at least you can breathe knowing we are
here holding some of the pain for you.
weve saved your life and sanity for so many years--since you were just a child.
weve been with you all along. all through the turmoil of growing up damaged and
used. weve been there with you.
we understand what you cannot even put words to.
we will not abandon you. we love you. we care how you feel. we have a mutual
need for each other.. we are your best friend.
our scars remind you that u are NOT lost, that you have not floated into some
distant neverland within yourself, that you are still human and alive. yes, you
ARE alive and we bare the proof.
our job is hard. you cast your ugliest self upon us, but we will hold it and
take the marks it leaves.
our scars are loyal and honest. they cannot lie. they show the truth, the pain.
they give light to the denied parts of yourself.
we have been gravely hurt and injured. abused and shamed.. BUT we have survived
it all and speak the truth of your life to u.
The second letter is called "Regret"
why do you do this to us? what did we ever do to you?
we will never be beautiful now. we will never be pure. we will never be
innocent. we will never be healed. we will never be normal. we will always be
different, ugly, outcast, maimed, destroyed, rejected, tainted, repulsive,
shameful, disgusting and gross--a nightmare, a horror show, a freak. was there
ever a time we were soft and smoothe? unharmed? unabused?
why? its not fair. we don't deserve this. you've almost killed us so many times.
you've hurt us so bad and then you just cover us up and pretend we are fine and
nothing is even wrong.
we bleed and you leave us all alone. you let us bleed all night long. you ignore
us. you never care. you never hurt. you never feel the pain you inflict upon us.
you have no feelings, just cold, empty, dead. look at us! how can you do this to
us! how ugly we are now!
we hate you for doing this and will never forgive you! how can destroying us
make you feel better? we can never be seen again. we would make little children
scream and cry and grown men and women gasp.
you are so messed up inside. so so screwed up. you hurt us and then deny we are
hurt.
they stitch us up and you won't even let us heal peacefully.
you think we dont even matter. that we're not even noticable anymore....we have
taken so much crap from you and now you say you cant even notice how you scarred
us??? whats wrong with you??
we hate you so much. you deserve to look like this, not us. we should do this to
your face and see how you like it. we hate you SO DAMN MUCH!! we are so DAMN MAD
yoU WOULD TREAT US LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!! you think that by hurting us it makes
you feel better what about how we feel? by destroying us you feel better?? thats
not fair.....its not fair.
we are so frustrated. you have taken everything away from us. now we have to
live under coverings, hidden, full of shame forever. its all your fault. you've
never done anything good for us. you just want to hurt us, and you still want to
keep hurting us!!!! nothning matters i guess. we dont matter to you. you like
seeing us destroyed because you feel like thats how it is on the iniside.
we want a life! we want to be new again, to feel air blowing across us, to be
exposed to sunlight, to get a tan without thick strips of white and red scars
all across us--we can't even turn tan anymore because of the freakshow youve
turned us into.
we are so sad. we have so much shame about us and we feel hopeless. it is
hopeless, we will never be right again. nothing can fix us. we are beyond repair
all because of what you do. you betray us. you are supposed to care about us.
why cant you just be whole and complete and healthy? why do you have to be the
one with all the pain. and now, why do we have to be the ones to bare it
all....alone and in secret and with so much shame.
its all your fault...you are a horrible repulsive evil person to do this to us.
we hate you! we want to hide forever because you made us so ugly. you can't do
anything right. nothing. you cause pain and suffering and hurt.. we hate you so
much DAMNIT!!!!! you take all your pain out on us when we do nothing wrong, and
you know what genius?? it doesnt even work because you are still miserable and
drenched thru with the pain you tried to get rid of by hurting us. so why won't
you stop hurting us???? you like to see yourself destroyed. it makes you calm
and gives you control. it makes the pain visible and concrete and
understandable. you have so many reasons for hurting us.
we are so sad. and we have been so hurt by what you do that we have stopped even
feeling anything. maybe if we would feel something you would stop. but we are
just helpless skin.
Anyway, my therapist had me write a letter from my skins perspective to myself about my self injury. I wrote two, about both sides of SI. Please take care and be careful when reading these. They have a lot of emotions in them and could be potentioally triggering. Here they are:
"Relief"
we say what you cant say.
we are your voice.
we remember what you cannott.
we will not forget even when those around you have forgotten.
we hear you. WE HEAR yoU CRYING, SCREAMING, DYING, SUFFOCATING, SHAKING INSIDE
we show the horror youve seen and felt. we show the world how bad its been.
we wish we were even more scarred because its not enough scarring to account for
all the pain. we know there are more scars hidden on you in other places and
they too know your struggle.
we all know how hard its been to communicate in words, to trust anyone, to feel
emotions, to have hope, to care about what happens next in life, to feel safe
enough to express yourself, to stay grounded in reality, just to choose to keep
living every single damn day within this monsterous damaged tainted used shell
called a b*dy.
we knmow how much you wish you could justs shed this dirty flesh you have to
live in.
we show all of them in that world out there just a piece of what its like.
we connect you to the world. we are your bridge from internal hell to a world
where at least the air is breathable. at least you can breathe knowing we are
here holding some of the pain for you.
weve saved your life and sanity for so many years--since you were just a child.
weve been with you all along. all through the turmoil of growing up damaged and
used. weve been there with you.
we understand what you cannot even put words to.
we will not abandon you. we love you. we care how you feel. we have a mutual
need for each other.. we are your best friend.
our scars remind you that u are NOT lost, that you have not floated into some
distant neverland within yourself, that you are still human and alive. yes, you
ARE alive and we bare the proof.
our job is hard. you cast your ugliest self upon us, but we will hold it and
take the marks it leaves.
our scars are loyal and honest. they cannot lie. they show the truth, the pain.
they give light to the denied parts of yourself.
we have been gravely hurt and injured. abused and shamed.. BUT we have survived
it all and speak the truth of your life to u.
The second letter is called "Regret"
why do you do this to us? what did we ever do to you?
we will never be beautiful now. we will never be pure. we will never be
innocent. we will never be healed. we will never be normal. we will always be
different, ugly, outcast, maimed, destroyed, rejected, tainted, repulsive,
shameful, disgusting and gross--a nightmare, a horror show, a freak. was there
ever a time we were soft and smoothe? unharmed? unabused?
why? its not fair. we don't deserve this. you've almost killed us so many times.
you've hurt us so bad and then you just cover us up and pretend we are fine and
nothing is even wrong.
we bleed and you leave us all alone. you let us bleed all night long. you ignore
us. you never care. you never hurt. you never feel the pain you inflict upon us.
you have no feelings, just cold, empty, dead. look at us! how can you do this to
us! how ugly we are now!
we hate you for doing this and will never forgive you! how can destroying us
make you feel better? we can never be seen again. we would make little children
scream and cry and grown men and women gasp.
you are so messed up inside. so so screwed up. you hurt us and then deny we are
hurt.
they stitch us up and you won't even let us heal peacefully.
you think we dont even matter. that we're not even noticable anymore....we have
taken so much crap from you and now you say you cant even notice how you scarred
us??? whats wrong with you??
we hate you so much. you deserve to look like this, not us. we should do this to
your face and see how you like it. we hate you SO DAMN MUCH!! we are so DAMN MAD
yoU WOULD TREAT US LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!! you think that by hurting us it makes
you feel better what about how we feel? by destroying us you feel better?? thats
not fair.....its not fair.
we are so frustrated. you have taken everything away from us. now we have to
live under coverings, hidden, full of shame forever. its all your fault. you've
never done anything good for us. you just want to hurt us, and you still want to
keep hurting us!!!! nothning matters i guess. we dont matter to you. you like
seeing us destroyed because you feel like thats how it is on the iniside.
we want a life! we want to be new again, to feel air blowing across us, to be
exposed to sunlight, to get a tan without thick strips of white and red scars
all across us--we can't even turn tan anymore because of the freakshow youve
turned us into.
we are so sad. we have so much shame about us and we feel hopeless. it is
hopeless, we will never be right again. nothing can fix us. we are beyond repair
all because of what you do. you betray us. you are supposed to care about us.
why cant you just be whole and complete and healthy? why do you have to be the
one with all the pain. and now, why do we have to be the ones to bare it
all....alone and in secret and with so much shame.
its all your fault...you are a horrible repulsive evil person to do this to us.
we hate you! we want to hide forever because you made us so ugly. you can't do
anything right. nothing. you cause pain and suffering and hurt.. we hate you so
much DAMNIT!!!!! you take all your pain out on us when we do nothing wrong, and
you know what genius?? it doesnt even work because you are still miserable and
drenched thru with the pain you tried to get rid of by hurting us. so why won't
you stop hurting us???? you like to see yourself destroyed. it makes you calm
and gives you control. it makes the pain visible and concrete and
understandable. you have so many reasons for hurting us.
we are so sad. and we have been so hurt by what you do that we have stopped even
feeling anything. maybe if we would feel something you would stop. but we are
just helpless skin.
