Seinfeld medical advice

[Daniel E.]

Cosmo Kramer: You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist.
Jerry: I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength.


Frank Costanza: [yelling] Serenity now. Serenity now.
George Costanza: What is that?
Frank Costanza: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say: "SERENITY NOW"
George Costanza: Are you supposed to yell it?
Frank Costanza: The man on the tape wasn't specific.

more Seinfeld quotes

 

[Daniel E.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jBEEtoPzS8

 

[David Baxter PhD]

YouTube - Seinfeld - The Serenity Now

 

[Daniel E.]

Jerry: How do you stop a kid from growing?
Kramer: I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.
Mickey: I offered him cigarettes, but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.
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George: I love these people [doctors]. You can't ask 'em questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office. When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
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Ms. Rhode Island: I'm watching my weight.
Jerry: I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller.
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Kramer: I'm tellin' ya! The pigman is alive. The government's been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
Jerry: Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
Kramer: Oh, Jerry. Would you wake up to reality! It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
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George: He took a biopsy Jerry, a biopsy!
Jerry: What'd he say?
George: He said he didn't know what it was.
Jerry: All right, so?
George: When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get out of here". That's what I wanted to hear. "Cancer? Get out of here!"
Jerry: Maybe he doesn't have a "get out of here" kind of personality.
George: How could you be a doctor and not say "get out of here" ? It should be part of the training in medical school. "Cancer? Get out of here! Go home! What are you, crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut, you know that?" Told you God would never let me be successful. I never should have written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead, Jerry. Because of this.
Jerry: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
George: No I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I've lived my whole life in shame! Why should I die with dignity?

(from Wikipedia)

 

[npd]

hilarious

 

[Ronbell]

I spent a good hour just looking at those quotes on that website. It's hilarious, and for some reason it's funnier in my head then when I watch the episodes. (for the most part)

 

[Daniel E.]

Morty Seinfeld: We just came for the funeral.
Helen Seinfeld: Poor Marvin Kessler. He went too early.
Jerry: He was 96 years old.
Morty Seinfeld: And that had nothing to do with it. The man was out of shape.


Dr. Sarah Sitarides: Wow, restaurant. Flowers...
Jerry: Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life-saving business?
Dr. Sarah Sitarides: It's fine.
Jerry: Well, it must take a really big zit to kill a man.
Dr. Sarah Sitarides: What is with you?
Jerry: You say you're a dermatologist? Well, I call you Pimple Popper, MD.


[Kramer's face is haggard from smoking]
Jerry: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?
Cosmo Kramer: Well, emphazema, birth defects, cancer... but not this! Jerry, my face is my livelihood, my allure... my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face.
Jerry: And your teeth... they're all brown.
Cosmo Kramer: Look away. I'm hideous.


Cosmo Kramer: You know, they botched my vasectomy?
Jerry: They botched it?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm even more potent now.


Cosmo Kramer: [Kramer just had a seizure] What happened?
Elaine: Wait, wait, Kramer, the last time you hit your head - was Mary Hart on TV?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: That's it! That is it! Mary Hart's voice is making you have seizures!


Elaine: Okay, what's your answer to number 74?
Ben [medical student]: Uh, metabolic acidosis.
Elaine: No! Hypokalemia! Not metabolic acidosis! Duh!


Cosmo Kramer: Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished squeal of Pigman cries out!