[Trigger] Self-injury as self-punishment

[BluMac81]

I did self-injure tonight. I don't often do it, it's only when the feelings of guilt and shame... and hate of myself overwhelm me and I see a need to punish myself for it.

That's what they conditioned us for in boot camp, every failure deserves a punishment, and I've taken that with me into the civilian world unfortunately. [edited out triggering content]

I know it's not healthy, and I'm getting help. I logged it all in my DBT journal today, as a footnote under Friday... *Manic/overwhelmed/frustrated/angry in morning, did 5mg of xanax by 1pm. Evening- depression- guilt and shame for not completing todos, guilt/shame for Jessica (my roommate) suffering, being sick and depressed. SI, cut for every todo undone.*

Thats right, whether it is true or not, I feel guilty for the suffering my roommate is going through right now. Her being sick, I feel is my fault somehow. I don't know why.

I know I shouldn't cut, and even though the cuts are minor [edited out triggering content], it could get serious in the future. I want it to stop luckily I can hide the cuts behind my watch. I wish I could see my psycologist more often, but the VA is so understaffed and overbooked I can only see her once every 2 months or so, won't be till March. I need help, these evening guilt/shame depressions are becoming more and more severe

 

[Daniel E.]

I wish I could see my psycologist more often, but the VA is so understaffed and overbooked I can only see her once every 2 months or so, won't be till March. I need help, these evening guilt/shame depressions are becoming more and more severe

In the interim, could you go to free counseling at your university/college? (I don't know if you are a full-time student or not or if that even matters regarding the free counseling for students.)

Also, there are a few DBT-style self-help books that look pretty good that may be available at your local public or university library. I know university libraries may likely have the following book, which has 70 pages of patient handouts in the back that pertains to DBT:

Amazon.com: Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder: Marsha M. Linehan: Books

For my anxiety, I really like the handouts in the above book.

There is also this site that you may already be familiar with that includes transcripts by the same author (Marsha Linehan):

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/dbt_video_text.html

 

[BluMac81]

Yep posted everywhere at college (yes I'm a full-time student) are numbers given posted under "Feeling stressed? Overwhelemed? Call....." But I am too ashamed of myself to call them. Heck I'm also afraid of telling anyone about my SI because I heard the psych ward is worse than prison. And my SI issues are not that severe, at all. I don't want to be misunderstood. There is also the VA suicide hotline, but I'm not suicidal. I dunno this happens so sparatically that the next morning I will wake up and forget it all and feel fine, until the night comes again. So that's why I don't pursue help during the day. I dunno... going to bed. I'm okay. Sorry to worry you.

Thanks Daniel, I'll check out those books

I'm sorry about the triggering content, I seem to be bad at that

 

[Daniel E.]

But I am too ashamed of myself to call them.

Of course, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Unfortunately, as you know, depression can cause feelings of guilt and shame when there is no basis for it.

Heck I'm also afraid of telling anyone about my SI because I heard the psych ward is worse than prison. And my SI issues are not that severe, at all. I don't want to be misunderstood.

I don't see a need for such concerns. Self-injury is an epidemic among college students that is well distinguished from suicidal behavior.

 

[Jazzey]

Yep posted everywhere at college (yes I'm a full-time student) are numbers given posted under "Feeling stressed? Overwhelemed? Call....." But I am too ashamed of myself to call them. Heck I'm also afraid of telling anyone about my SI because I heard the psych ward is worse than prison. And my SI issues are not that severe, at all. I don't want to be misunderstood. There is also the VA suicide hotline, but I'm not suicidal. I dunno this happens so sparatically that the next morning I will wake up and forget it all and feel fine, until the night comes again. So that's why I don't pursue help during the day. I dunno... going to bed. I'm okay. Sorry to worry you.

I've used those services when I was a student BluMac. They're there precisely to support the students who are going through rough times, irrespective of whether those rough patches are related to school.

And nothing to be embarrassed about. The psychologists there have probably heard many things over the years. I don't think you'll be presenting something they don't understand.

I'm sorry you're going through this rough patch. I wish I could find some magic words that would make you understand that your guilt has no place in this situation. But I do understand. When I'm low, guilt and resentment (towards myself) are some of my strongest emotions.

:support: :hug: :hug:

 

[amastie]

I want to ditto what he said about shame being brought about by your depression and not having a realistic basis. And also that SI is also almost certainly well understood among uni counsellors.

What about anonymous 24 hour telephone support services?

Please know that I am thinking of you and sending lots of :support:

 

[Eye Stigmata]

Mac,

Everyone in the world punishes themself...ok maybe not "everyone", but don't feel like you alone in this...You need to be easier on yourself.
People punish themselves over things they feel are "out of their control", or when they didn't do things well enough, or fast enough or whatever it may be.
Not every punishment has to be physical...just because you cant *see* how other people punish themselves doesn't mean they don't...people drink, take drugs, physicall SI, hit themselves, yell at themselves, talk negatively towards themselves, all of those are a punishment....

Don't feel ashamed to call for help if you need it!
Everyone has their struggles, and this is just one of yours....so...be a little easier on yourself and take the help, its out there for a reason! And you can get through this!

Take Care of yourself!
XO

 

[BluMac81]

Thanks Monkey
Ya that is actually what my old therapist always said to me at the end of every session I had with her: "go easy on yourself!" Apparently it wasn't drilled into me as much as the DI's drilled the opposite into me in boot camp lol.