Severe Pain

[wheelchairdemon]

I have severe spinal stenosis that's been confirmed using an MRI with dye contrast. I was prescribed a low dose of a narcotic pain medication with slow-release and another short acting pain medication for break-through pain. I take the break-through drug sparingly and, instead, rely on Advil. I take the maximum dose of Advil per day. I stay active, get exercise, and follow the doctor's advice.

I have a high pain tolerance and extremely good coping skills. I've been through tons of chronic pain coping skills testing and the result is always the same - I do not match the profile of a typical chronic pain patient. This should be good news, right? Wrong!

My Family Doctor, a Resident, referred me to a neurosurgeon to fix the severe spinal stenosis. I was rejected because there's a long waiting list and "I'm not bedridden yet."

Because I have a disability and use a wheelchair full time, I was advised to get a new, full-fledged Family Doctor instead of seeing only the Resident. I saw the new doctor yesterday.

Would you believe the break-through narcotic pain medication was cut off instantly?

I have come to regret my decision to not increase the slow-release pain medication. I wouldn't do it because the medication is one that is hitting news headlines and I was scared. The pain control method I opted for was one where the dosages of narcotics was kept at its lowest.

So much for trying to use fewer heavy-duty drugs to mask the pain. They got their wish. I'm now almost bedridden. My pain is so bad I can barely tolerate it. I'm up in my wheelchair but I can't focus on anything.

I'm terrified. If I go to Emergency I could be perceived as drug-seeking, so I won't do it. I need prayers for strength right now. I also pray this will mean an end to the back pain.... that maybe I'll finally get my wish; the surgery instead of having the pain masked by drugs I hated to take.

 

[Clancey]

There are four people in my subdivision where I live that suffer from back related problems. Two have had surgery, one is scheduled for March 6th. Of the two that have had it, one had the back problem solved, but was left with a leg problem. The other was a total success, however he is still drinking a bottle of vodka each day along with smoking marijuana and still taking assorted pain medication. His problems are way beyond a back issue.

In the USA there has been a tremendous movement towards eliminating the use of pain medication and I feel the way in which it has been addressed makes everyone a criminal for simply wanting the pain to stop. Doctor's are scared to prescribe, scared of losing their licenses. In other words, the natural instincts of the Doctor are over ridden by the Government and Insurance companies. However, isn't it interesting that there has been a marked increase in illegal drug sales? Unfortunately for that route there is a remarkable increase in deaths due to overdose.

Having to live in constant pain is no way to live, in fact I don't know that I would classify it as living. It is merely surviving.

When I read your post, I thought, "Why are you trying to anticipate what you believe the medical people will think?" Why not let them do their job? You don't want to be labeled "drug seeking," but you are drug seeking because you are in a hell of a lot of pain and you want it to stop. There is nothing wrong with that. That does not make you a bad person. Now the guy in my neighborhood that is drinking vodka all day, I have definite concern for. Why are his Doctor's still prescribing pain medication?

I wonder what your blood pressure is, when you are in pain? A Doctor can look at that and tell that you are in pain. There are signs that you can't hide or produce for a Doctor. They know when you are honest about it.

I'll pray for you, but please don't be afraid to ask for help and let the Doctor, be the Doctor.

 

[MHealthJo]

I am so, so sorry this has happened to you, Wheelchairdemon. I am sending every pain relief vibe to you that I can.....

I guess there are circumstances that allow us to get to that place of letting go a little more of worries that we will be perceived the wrong way! Yup, we definitely may worry at times about not being believed and the problems that can entail. You did your best to go that route first. It's a shame having to worry about that at all.

I hope so much that this horrific outcome at least creates a better resolution for you soon, whether that be surgery, or feeling at peace with needing some strong drugs and having doctors see that they truly are necessary.

 

[wheelchairdemon]

When I read your post, I thought, "Why are you trying to anticipate what you believe the medical people will think?" Why not let them do their job? You don't want to be labeled "drug seeking," but you are drug seeking because you are in a hell of a lot of pain and you want it to stop. There is nothing wrong with that. That does not make you a bad person.

Clancy, I wish it were that easy. Many years ago I had a psychiatrist who wrote stuff down in my medical file that simply wasn't true. She wrote down that I was a "Professional Patient" and she said I was discharged back into the community to follow the Methadone Protocol that was organized by the Drug and Alcohol Detox Centre.

I've never been on Methadone in my life and I've never been to Detox.

I've never been able to erase that damning comment from my medical files. In 2013 I finally had to put all my old medical records into a legally sanctioned Lock Box. No one, not even the legal profession, seem to be willing to take the unethical doctor on so I've had to learn to live with it. When the defamation happened in 1997, I lost all forms of health care. Thankfully, when I moved to Toronto in 2014, I'm slowly starting to get it back.

I just had my left shoulder operated on and, when the surgeon saw how bad my shoulder was, he couldn't believe I'd been forced to endure 8 years of a torn rotator cuff with no treatment and no pain relief. Having notes like that enter into my new medical history files should gradually start to rebuild my reputation.

The policy posted in most hospitals, after-hours clinics, and even some doctors offices, state that they have a policy against prescribing any form of narcotic to a patient. People who have long-term pain must now be referred for a consult with a pain specialist. If the pain specialist agrees that narcotics are warranted, the message gets sent back to the Family doctor. The Family Doctor can then read the consultant's report and, if they feel comfortable with it, start prescribing the narcotic. If they are nervous, there is no obligation to write the prescription.

I wonder what your blood pressure is, when you are in pain? A Doctor can look at that and tell that you are in pain. There are signs that you can't hide or produce for a Doctor. They know when you are honest about it.

My blood pressure is very high when the pain gets bad. That's why I'm on blood pressure medications. I was put on Coversyl to treat the blood pressure two years ago. It's not monitored though, so I have no idea how high it gets these days. I stopped checking it myself because, if it was high, I got scared. The doctor's advice has always been, learn how to lower my stress, practice Mindfulness techniques and...

The lack of follow-up is why I'm trying to get a new, full-fledged doctor, instead of seeing a Resident all the time.

I have been stuck seeing Residents for almost 30 years and I'm still not getting any follow up. Residents are supposed to learn how to interview a patient, refer them to a specialist (at times), and learn how to follow up on the advice given by the specialist. The Residents always get through the intake process and the referral part to a specialist, but they never get to the part where they are to follow up on the advice given by the specialist. By the time the specialist's report makes it back to the office, the Resident has moved on and a new Resident has taken their place. That means I must start the whole process all over again with the new doctor and hope things can get acted on quicker... That's why I have so many challenges.

With this new doctor, I don't entirely blame him. I understand that, until a doctor gets to know a patient, they really can't assume a patient's request for pain-medication is legit. I'm just hoping that once this doctor gets to know me, he will do the proper investigations and actually treat the source of the pain, instead of continuing the mask the problem with drugs.

To help the doctor get a better picture of what's going on, I decided today, to start a pain diary.

Here is today's entry... It's long because I feel the need to explain why, with a wheelchair, I may have it a bit easier than others, as far as getting up and going out. Subsequent entries will be shorter.

Feb 25, 2017

At 6:30 am I woke up. I have incredible pain, 8 (on a scale of 1-10) in my right shoulder. This is the shoulder that I am still waiting to get operated on. It was all I could do to roll onto my back so I could try to do some exercises.

For the next hour I slowly exercised the shoulder and I listened to the news on the radio. At 7:30 I was able to move enough to get out of bed. My service dog needed to be fed and toileted and there's no one who can do the job for me.

Besides, I learned long ago that in order to avoid getting depressed or giving into the pain, I just need to remind myself to get out of bed and into my wheelchair because, from that point forward all I need to do is push a lever to move through my day. The lever, of course, is my joystick.

My life must be planned ahead because I use Wheel-Trans. I have to prebook my rides. If I want to change my plans, or stay home because I'm in too much pain, Wheel-Trans will penalize me. If I get 4 penalties for short notice cancelations in a month, I will be suspended and I will have no choice but to stay at home for the duration of that suspension.

These ridiculous circumstances actually help me to keep moving. Over time they ingrained a new skill; one of never giving up. The hidden bonus is, at times I may find that the pain will become less noticeable and more bearable just by moving. I can avoid taking more drugs. These techniques are not fool-proof though.

Today, I've been awake since 6:30. After an hour of using gentle movement and distraction techniques I managed to find the ability to push through the pain and get out of bed. That was at roughly 7:30. I got dressed, did more exercises to loosen up the shoulder, took my dog out, ate breakfast, and put on some Voltaran rub. By 9:00 am the pain was still rendering it difficult to raise my arm enough to drive my wheelchair. I took 2 Advil tablets.

At 10:10 am I caught Wheel-Trans. I have to work from 12:00-2:00 pm at the ROM today as a Visitor Guide. This means I have to be focused and not distracted by the pain. Finally, at 11:40 am I gave in and took a 25 mg. tablet of morphine. I still have a few left. The outcome was, I was able to do my job and do it well.

Just so you know, several months ago the Resident doctor I just left asked me to increase the pain patch to 50 mcg. (instead of 25 mcg.). I wouldn't do it. I tried it for one day and it made me feel woozy. I, instead, negotiated a better plan; one that would have me taking less narcotic medications in one day. That's why I had the short-acting morphine. I find it hard to understand why it will now be cut off.

My hope is, that when the doctor reads this, he'll be a lot more accommodating.

 

[Clancey]

WCDemon, there was a movie that came out a number of years ago called "Nuts." It was with Barbara Streisand. (How ever you spell her name.) Anyway she plays the part of a high priced call girl who ends up killing her John. She is taken to a Mental facility for evaluation and her assigned Psychiatrist is attracted to her and wants to keep her. She has to go through a Competency Hearing to prove she is capable to stand trial for murder. Her fight is with the Psychiatrist who is keeping her drugged at night so that her court appearances don't go so well. She gives a speech in court and unfortunately I don't recall the words she used but in describing the Doctor something like "What if he is just a dirty old man that likes to look up girls dresses, but unfortunately has the documentation and power to ruin someone else's life."

What you described happened to a friend of mine in Salem, Oregon. The Doctor she went to see, didn't like her so he wrote comments to insure she could never get proper help. People that do this should lose their licenses and spend time in prison, but like you mentioned, who will challenge them? Some sort of ethics committee within the AMA?

I am concerned about your blood pressure. I know how to get it up, just drink a lot of water. Down? Of course meds. The fear is you could stroke. That is something you really want to avoid. Unfortunately I had one and I have spent time in a wheelchair. A lot of the BP cups, mine is a wrist application, have a tendency to read on the high side.

I hope the new Doctor works out for you. I chuckled a little when you mentioned the problem with starting a new Doctor. I recently got a new one and had a severe infection over the holiday. Well, I am Bipolar so when you have an infection it affects your mind and your mind tells you the wrong things to do to fight the infection, which makes it worse and that affects your mind. (I'm sure you get the picture.) I about drove that man nuts. I told him that if I am sick before I die, they will probably play "Peace In The Valley" at my funeral.

 

[wheelchairdemon]

Clancy, I have been warned that it's not a matter of if I have a stroke, it's a matter of when. That is why am so determined to get to one Doctor who can follow, and treat, the complete me. Most of my health conditions should be followed up on, but with the constant changing of the assigned Resident, nothing gets done.

It is absurd that I have not had the follow up even to monitor my blood pressure for the last two years.

This story about the movie sounds familiar.

Five of my doctors were caught sexually abusing patients. One of those five went to jail.

The first psychiatrist I had, when I was 15 years old, told me I was a man trapped inside a woman's body. I didn't believe him. After two years of imposed therapy, I started to believe that maybe he was right. Then he moved away.

The next doctor said I was a woman. He said I just needed to learn how to dress, talk, and walk, like one. I hated trying to impress him at appointments to show him how much I "was learning." He went to jail. I had three move perverts after that. All believed I just needed to get to know what my identity was, and accept it.

I became so confused that I lost all sense of self. I had body image issues. I was very self conscious, and I lost all self-confidence. I became suicidal. That earned me the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Try escaping the stigma that goes with that one.

I wasted many, many, years locked up inside a Psychiatric Hospital because I learned to doubt myself.

I finally got lucky in 1995. I ended up in a wheelchair from the drugs. That's when I was called a professional patient and I was turfed out of the system. I was made homeless on the spot. The psych drugs were cut off cold turkey, and I had to begin to create my life.

I have come a long way since then. Mental illness has been ruled out in my case, but after 22 years of hospital life, it was extremely hard to get going again. I'm still trying to catch up on life. I lack social skills, which I need to build relationships. I'll likely never have a mate. I'm too scared to that one after what psychiatry did to me. I Trauma, but I'm doing just fine.

Toronto has opened a lot of doors, so I am getting there.

One final comment. I'm in Canada. We have Socialized health care, although that is slowly being eroded. Rehab programs, like physiotherapy, talk therapy (with a psychologist), eye tests, and other important preventative or rehabilitative programs have been cut. If we can't pay, we're at risk of languishing and possibly getting worse.

 

[MHealthJo]

I hope you don't mind my asking this Wheelchairdemon, I completely understand if you don't want to go further into it - of course understandable and completely OK whether you say so or just leave unanswered. I don't know whether at some later time you may want to possibly. Or it could be a topic to split into another thread at some time. I just do feel so much for those cases where wrong things happen with doctors, professionals, etc, and if possible, I would like to learn more about perhaps how it has happened at times, things like that. Or if common threads come up with people who have had bad things happen like this, perhaps one day the information gathered could be useful in figuring out ways of preventing that or strengthening systems that could prevent it or address it.

So what I was wanting to ask was: with your early doctors or psychiatrists / therapists you had early in your life, the ones you mentioned, was there any link that you are aware of that they had, or that the first one had or that one of them had, with your father? Was the first one chosen by him for you to see, perhaps, or were any of them? Were any of them somebody that your father knew in the community or had recommended to him for you to see or something, that you are aware of? (Am I remembering correctly - was there a situation with your father being a powerful person, and quite a bit of the challenges you have faced were to do with lies that have been told about you by him and the way his position or status complicated things for you?) I am just trying to figure out whether there was possibly, or whether you suspect, that perhaps you were put into positions of meeting up with the wrong people by having somewhat of an 'identified patient' experience in your family? (I am not sure if I am using that term correctly, or if perhaps another term fits. What I am trying to describe is, when terrible lies and invented things are put onto a child, and put into all sorts of situations that can include sending them into treatment - when what is actually wrong is family dysfunction or a very much sick or evil person creating very strange situations for the child). Or alternatively, perhaps just something to do with your father or another decision-maker in your dysfunctional family, something about who they were caused them be in contact with the wrong people. Just wondering whether you think or suspect that there was possibly a connection there somewhere with how you got into contact with the wrong people?

So yeah... I am wondering if it's possible that starting from the first one, you then maybe were referred from one bad or sick professional to another..... ? You do hear about how these bad or disordered people sometimes operate in groups and are in contact with each other, and so I wonder if maybe you could have had multiple bad experiences that maybe were connected to your initial contact with the psychology/psychiatry world not being a good one, and then due to your family life and past you of course did not have the ability to have 'alarm bells' go off, or indeed much control over your own life or experiences at all, and things just sort of went on from there?

As I said, I completely of course understand if you don't want to elaborate further or not at this time. I'm just sort of wanting to learn more about how and why sometimes the good resources and care that humans have finally developed to help each other.... how and why sometimes these things go wrong, sometimes VERY wrong, and how we can learn more about preventing that or addressing that.

Thinking of you and all you have been through, Wheelchairdemon.

 

[Clancey]

What is going through my head Jo, is how vulnerable we can become to professional opinions. The Psychiatrist goes through Medical School. Isn't there some sort of oath they take that starts with "First, do no harm?"

---------- Post Merged at 10:01 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:47 AM ----------

WCDemon, I had an Internist tell me one time that when you come in for a visit, just give them one or two concerns, not a whole list. So for example you might say "I am very concerned with my blood pressure." Then let the Doctor try to figure it out. That will lead you right into the pain issues, but the concern for stroke, becomes paramount, because that is life threatening and treatable.

 

[wheelchairdemon]

MHealthJo, you are very insightful. I have all my old medical files and it is easy to share quotes from them.

Many of times, throughout my mental health history, attempts were made to separate me from the family dysfunction. One doctor even admitted me to the hospital with the stated goal of accomplishing this goal (getting me away from family).

Privacy laws should have protected me. They didn't.

To this day I am still financially under the control of my family. I can't break that tie.

Suffice it to say, in smaller communities when everyone knows the family name, getting welfare or a disability pension is not doable if the family offers to pay for my upkeep. I wasn't forced to live at home, but I had to accept the family doling out, and attaching strings to, an allowance.

As for the doctor's, I can share the links to their disciplinary decisions.

I'm just wondering if this should be done in a new thread. Can someone let me know.

Sharing this info may be helpful to a lot of people.

 

[wheelchairdemon]

It's now been several weeks since I lost adequate doses of medication to control the pain caused by severe spinal stenosis and degeneration.

The new doctor finally agreed to prescribe a bit extra pain control but it's not enough. I used to take two 25 mg tablets of morphine per day. Now, he'll only prescribe one 10 mg tablet of morphine for 5 days out of 7. He said he has to "get tough" with me and force me to learn how to endure, on the other two days.

I'm now in so much pain I spend the majority of my time curled up in bed. I can only stay in bed so long though. The pain keeps forcing me to get up, spin around in circles, try to distract myself, tilt my wheelchair back, tilt it forward, force myself to go out to volunteer, try to concentrate, can't, and then do damage control when I upset everyone because they can see how much pain I am in. I've been asked to not go back until the pain is better controlled.

I wrote to the head of my former clinic, explained that I left because I was being denied treatment for a bladder infection and had to live with my body rejecting the catheter twice, and then asked if I could go back. They said no. They said I shouldn't have gone to a new doctor because I'd signed a contract not to see another doctor when they started the pain medication. I didn't think it was wrong to try to get the bladder infection treated. Now it's too late to change my mind.

The new doctor, on the first two visits when I had the Parish Nurse with me, offered lots of promise. He offered to refer me to a physiatrist so I could get the complete rehabilitative care I need. He also offered to send me back to the pain clinic. I was thrilled.

On the third visit, however, it became clear it was a pipe dream. I was alone at the third appointment because the parish nurse can't always be with me. There was a huge switch in how the doctor engaged with me. He asked questions, typed answers into the computer, but he won't answer my questions.

When I asked about at least getting the pain back under control, he firmly replied,"no. You know the routine. You must go online, get the forms, fill them out, gather up your old medical records, bring them to me. Until you do your part, I will not do mine." I was stunned. I had no idea I was supposed to do all that work and I'd certainly never done anything like that before, so I don't know why he thought I'd neglected to do my part. The last time I was referred to the pain clinic, I did nothing. The doctor did all the work and made the referral. He has the files now. I don't.

What bugs me even more is, on that very day I went out of my way to arrive at the appointment early, ask the Receptionist if they'd received my medical records yet, and when I was told no, called my old clinic from the waiting room and was able to get all the relevant records faxed to him so they were available to him when I entered his office.

He wouldn't look at, or discuss, any of them. I had the MRI of my back, the report from the pain clinic, the results of a cholesterol test, and the results the CT Scan that was done on my lung.

I left his office with no answers; just his instructions to do my part in applying to the pain clinic, and his instructions to return next time accompanied by "a responsible adult."

I've been to Emerge since then. They gave me a prescription for more pain medication, and then after more discussion, instructed me not to take it until sought the permission of the new Family Doctor. The staff at Emerge suddenly realized the new doctor might get upset and accuse me of "double-doctoring."

Clearly I am burning my bridges. It's like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.

I'm told I'm too resilient to qualify for trauma therapy, I'm too highly functional to qualify for a psychiatrist (Five referrals to a psychiatrist have been rejected so far), and my new doctor can't relate to the complexity of my case because of my trauma reaction to doctors.

I have no idea how to sugar coat this. I am traumatized. I'm terrified of doctors to begin with. I've been labelled a drug addict in the past (it was erroneously reported that I'd once been sent to Detox and put on Methadone) and now I'm being dismissed because of my complex past. I'm in deep deep trouble.

I guess they got their wish. I can't function anymore. I'm depressed, my pain is at 10 (on a scale of 1-10), and I can no longer volunteer.

Today I will go out again. Wish me luck. Thanks for listening. It helps to know others care.

 

[Clancey]

On the National news last night they had a story of lawsuits filed against Purdue Pharma. Actual Cities are suing Pharmaceutical Companies for the production and distribution of opioids like OxyContin. Everyone connected to those kinds of pain killers are running scared. When a Doctor prescribes a medication, they are responsible.

Is it fair to expect a medical Doctor to prescribe when he/she could lose their medical license?

WCDemon, instead of being offended by the Doctor wanting you to bring a responsible adult with you, I would bring my whole family and friends, so that they can assure the Doctor that the claims I was making were true. Turn it into a positive, not a negative.

 

[wheelchairdemon]

WCDemon, instead of being offended by the Doctor wanting you to bring a responsible adult with you, I would bring my whole family and friends, so that they can assure the Doctor that the claims I was making were true. Turn it into a positive, not a negative.

I took a friend with me to Emerge a few days ago for this very reason. I was given a prescription. I even signed over access to MRI's and the report from one of the best pain clinics in Toronto.

Emerge gave me a prescription for morphine and, at my request, made sure a copy of the report was sent to my doctor.

My doctor won't approve the release of the prescription. With Ontario's new drug prevention strategy, all people on a disability pension are tracked for their drug use. The pharmacy can't fill the prescription even if they wanted to.

I will have to go back to Emerge because I'm no longer able to function. I'm just waiting until someone can come with me again. Until then, I'm surviving but not functioning very well.

I've been told to stop going to two of my volunteer jobs because people see how much pain I am in and it distresses them.

 

[Clancey]

I am so sorry WCDemon that you are having to experience this and I appreciate your taking the time to share your personal story. I know it sparked my personal interest in a growing problem that affects millions of people. I don't know the answer, but I do know that it is time for all of us as humans to take note of what is going on. People are suffering. Is it fair?

Let's take another example, In my country the courts sentence people to death, but they don't kill them, not right away. They lock them in cages and only let them out 1 hour out of every 24. This goes on for years and years. Is it humane? Not in my book. No doubt there must be some money in the practice of it.

I wonder if it's possible to sue the Doctor for refusing to provide the medication to stop the suffering? That would be hitting them from another angle they weren't expecting. I know, I'm causing trouble again, but how long are we going to allow others to destroy our one and only chance at life? What gives anyone the right? That leads to what is the definition of quality of life. None of this helps you WCDemon. I know I could suggest some things you could do, but I can't do it on this forum and I believe that those reading may have some of the same thoughts.

 

[wheelchairdemon]

I wonder if it's possible to sue the Doctor for refusing to provide the medication to stop the suffering? That would be hitting them from another angle they weren't expecting..

It's almost impossible to sue in Canada. I'm trying another strategy instead. This is an excerpt of the letter I wrote to the surgeon who will be operating on my right shoulder.

~~~~

Dear [shoulder surgeon],
I'm writing to ask for your help. I tried to get a new full fledged doctor instead of seeing only a Resident because I have long-term conditions and I thought it would give me more continuity of care. It was a bad mistake.

The new doctor is unwilling to maintain the dosage of pain medication that was working and was recommended by the Wasser Pain Clinic.

The pain in my right shoulder (and neck) is now out of control. It's been like this for 3 weeks. I can no longer disguise the pain and I've been asked to stop a few of my volunteer jobs because the visible pain was distressing others. Losing that positive distraction activity has sure not helped matters much.

You saw how much I fooled you in the physical exam with my left shoulder. You saw the extent of the damage. You even performed a miracle in that you fixed the shoulder, gave me back full use of it, and eliminated the pain. I'm wondering if you could put a good word in for me? I'm also wondering if you'd be willing to recommend the name of a good surgical colleague who might be willing to exam, and hopefully fix, the severe cervical spinal stenosis?

In the meantime, can you help to lower the pain or at least speed up the surgery date for my right shoulder?

I'm hoping you can help to find a solution. I look forward to your reply.

~~~~

The surgeon may not wrote back, but then again, he might. Here's hoping...

 

[Clancey]

I think it's a good letter. It's non threatening and complimentary for his work on your left shoulder. I would hope he would give it serious consideration.

You know WCDemon, you are in a situation where you have to stay in the system. You have a lot of medical problems and so you have to find a way to make the system work for you. I admire you for your conviction. Many would give up. Have you considered writing your story? It might help to take your mind off the pain while you wait. I think stories like yours may help others once the legal battles involving opioids, play out.

In just a few posts, you sure made me more aware.

 

[wheelchairdemon]

Thanks Clancy. Everyone says I should write a book. I may one day. I just have to get over some of the trauma first because I can't focus enough to properly write the book.

I'm glad people can learn from what I write. That's what I intend. I hope no one has to go through the same dismissals I've been experiencing. It's like hell.

 

[Clancey]

Yes, I would imagine the dismissals or rejections are hard to swallow, but in your case I think it has to do with your medical system and the growing opioid controversy. In other words, it's nothing to do with you, personally. The system is broken, everywhere. Problems are not solved, they just push a person on to the next free appointment with some other professional, who in turn pushes you on again. What is the old saying about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? I think it was a definition of insanity.

People wonder why people with mental disorders or issues, act out. I wonder sometimes if the rest of the population is nuts and I'm the only one that is okay. Kind of like maybe I lived two centuries ago, died and this manifestation is actually hell.

Writing a book is hard at the beginning. Especially if you are currently experiencing what your subject is. I have found that taking notes is helpful, but then you end up with notes all over the house. I think you have a significant story and if you ever tell that story, I will be expecting a happy ending.