bloodwood
Full Member, Forum Supporter
I generally don't like it and have spent a chunk of my life avoiding it. After being with my current girlfriend for a few years she told me - "I don't even know who you are." I knew that a part of my trouble with relationships is the desire for separatness while seeking a union. A certain balance of this is normal and healthy but I knew I was a devotee of the practice. I knew that it was unfair to my partner and also prevented trust from building past a certain point.
With therapy, work and honesty I began to look at how I avoided sharing and how I could enhance sharing. There are different levels of it. For example sharing the day to day stuff - What happened to me and how I felt about it.
There is also the deeper stuff like something bothering me about the relationship. Or deeper still.
There is also sharing things like "I love you" "You are important to me" "I'm feeling yucky but it isn't anything you did." This last one was really hard because I was known to simply withdraw when having trouble. Of course this caused concern for my partner.
I worked hard at it and we talked about it regularly. I saw two results. A more immediate one was that my girlfriend smiled more and felt more comfortable with me. The second one took a few years to sink in. We went on in our relationship through the months and years and I began to notice that are relationship was getting better. It was less petty and far more comfortable and trusting. It didn't stop there. This growth of trust and depth grew and plateaued regularly. I didn't make the connection until recently.
My learning to share opened a door to the growth of trust.
I am not fixed yet and continue to fight relapses...but I continue. It isn't all heaven but this is one tool that helps. I jotted down some of the pros and cons for myself and others to consider. Feel free to add anything that I have missed. Why we don't share is as important to know as why we should share.
I don't want to share because:
It means I have to trust someone with a secret.
It takes energy and effort to share.
It means I can't handle it on my own.
It invites judgement.
Sharing helps me because:
Holding it in harms me.
It gives me energy when I share
It means I'm important enough as a person to warrant being heard.
It is an opportunity to have someone else correct mistaken ideas.
It builds a relationship by connecting with someone else.
It gives the listener value by disclosing to them.
It means I don't have to carry the burden alone anymore.
A voiced secret is no longer a secret.
-or- Light shone onto something dark takes away its power.
By the process of speaking an idea we rethink and learn about the idea.
It is an acknowledgement spoken aloud of a truth that is denied. It gives strength to that truth.
Releasing things changes me in a small way forever.
Peter
With therapy, work and honesty I began to look at how I avoided sharing and how I could enhance sharing. There are different levels of it. For example sharing the day to day stuff - What happened to me and how I felt about it.
There is also the deeper stuff like something bothering me about the relationship. Or deeper still.
There is also sharing things like "I love you" "You are important to me" "I'm feeling yucky but it isn't anything you did." This last one was really hard because I was known to simply withdraw when having trouble. Of course this caused concern for my partner.
I worked hard at it and we talked about it regularly. I saw two results. A more immediate one was that my girlfriend smiled more and felt more comfortable with me. The second one took a few years to sink in. We went on in our relationship through the months and years and I began to notice that are relationship was getting better. It was less petty and far more comfortable and trusting. It didn't stop there. This growth of trust and depth grew and plateaued regularly. I didn't make the connection until recently.
My learning to share opened a door to the growth of trust.
I am not fixed yet and continue to fight relapses...but I continue. It isn't all heaven but this is one tool that helps. I jotted down some of the pros and cons for myself and others to consider. Feel free to add anything that I have missed. Why we don't share is as important to know as why we should share.
I don't want to share because:
It means I have to trust someone with a secret.
It takes energy and effort to share.
It means I can't handle it on my own.
It invites judgement.
Sharing helps me because:
Holding it in harms me.
It gives me energy when I share
It means I'm important enough as a person to warrant being heard.
It is an opportunity to have someone else correct mistaken ideas.
It builds a relationship by connecting with someone else.
It gives the listener value by disclosing to them.
It means I don't have to carry the burden alone anymore.
A voiced secret is no longer a secret.
-or- Light shone onto something dark takes away its power.
By the process of speaking an idea we rethink and learn about the idea.
It is an acknowledgement spoken aloud of a truth that is denied. It gives strength to that truth.
Releasing things changes me in a small way forever.
Peter
