Should I stay or should I go? Understanding relationships

[Emotions_Blocked]

I am a 28yr old male who is into his first relationship that could be mentioned as "serious". I started dating her about 10 months ago, when I was going through another breakup. I didn't have the usual "crush" I usually have when I meet someone I like, but feelings built rather slowly and progressively. I proposed her to move in together three or four months after we started dating. Lately, I have doubts.

I spent a long part of my adult post-teenager life trying to make up for my incredible shyness at high-school, and my huge need of affection. These two often conflict with each other: Making up for shyness meant dating as a hobby, flirting massively and all that, and need of affection meant quickly moving with someone I met to actions that one does only if he is very very sure about his feelings.

I guess my current relationship is a victim of the latter. Soon after I moved in with my girlfriend, I started losing my attraction towards her. I noticed she did not at all suit my taste with regards to clothing or style, even if she is objectively an attractive woman. As I often had a tendency of taking hasty decisions, I convinced myself it was temporary, and tried to focus on convincing her to dress differently.

Unfortunately, this did not go away, and soon I started feeling the need to "look around". I noticed attractive women on my working or daily life environment, and even if I didn't act on my opportunities to flirt, my need for sexual satisfaction was so big that one time I visited a prostitute.

As it was the first time in my life to actually actively cheat on someone, I felt very bad after it, even though sexually I was completely satisfied. I tried to comfort myself by talking to other males of my age and noticing they often had "innocent adventures" that revitalized their relationship, and thought that even if it was a very bad move, it wouldn't have to be catastrophic, and that I could use it to reach to some conclusions as to if I really still want my girlfriend or not.

Some time went by, and my urge to go out, flirt, and meet other women comes to the surface again. I tried to borrow it by focusing on other things, such as my job or hobbies and games, but ...

I recently exchanged intense stares with a girl on the street, and I was so tempted to talk to her. I still think about this incident all the time.

What is going on? Did I lose interest at her? Am I just delaying the inevitable just because I am scared of the consequences? (living alone again, the whole practical aspect of moving out etc). Is it a normal situation for a relationship that goes for more than couple of months? Do I have the right to convince her to dress according to my taste or should I just find someone who already does it because she likes so?

For the record, please note that with my last relationship - two or three years ago - I didn't even turn my head to watch when a girl passed-by. I considered my girlfriend to be the best looking girl of the world and I remember my heart beating fast when I was about to meet her.

Last question: Is this an issue to talk to a therapist?

 

[Yuray]

Re: Should I stay or should I go: Understanding relationships

Last question: Is this an issue to talk to a therapist?

Unless you can talk to friends, or people in here, and have your questions answered satisfactorily, (right or wrong), someone with skills in these matters might be a good idea.

 

[Daniel E.]

Re: Should I stay or should I go: Understanding relationships

Yeah, you certainly would benefit from talking to a therapist.

What is going on? Did I lose interest at her? Am I just delaying the inevitable just because I am scared of the consequences? (living alone again, the whole practical aspect of moving out etc).

In other words, is it love or something else, like "emotional hunger"?

For example:

It is painful but bearable for people to experience these feelings of hunger and face their own emotional needs. Unfortunately, most individuals choose to deny or avoid this pain as they did when they were young. They seek outlets or choose courses of action that help them deny their pain or kill off the sensations of aloneness. They create fantasies of connecting themselves to others and imagine that they belong to each other. When these fantasy bonds are formed, real love goes down the drain. The emotions of love and respect for others disappear as we become possessive and controlling and as we make use of one another as a narcotic to kill off sensations of hunger and pain.

Emotional Hunger Vs. Love | Psychology Today

Most people have fears of intimacy and are self-protective and at the same time are terrified of being alone. Their solution to their emotional dilemma is to form a fantasy bond. This illusion of connection and closeness allows them to maintain an imagination of love and loving while preserving emotional distance. Destructive fantasy bonds, which exist in a large majority of relationships, greatly reduce the possibility couples achieving intimacy.

The Fantasy Bond: A substitute for a truly loving relationship | Psychology Today

Additionally, they may have feared going within themselves (or, for that matter, eliciting professional help) to learn just why their relationship had gone sour. Feeling hollow, desolate and forsaken--and without the ability to self-soothe--they hastily paired up with the first available person they could find...

In the mind of an individual unable to tolerate the emotional vacuum of dis-connectedness, it must certainly feel that almost anything is better than the unnerving void of being alone. But I myself would argue that if you can develop a secure, nurturing relationship with yourself, you're in a much better position to "stabilize" your thoughts and feelings after a failed relationship and patiently wait for the right person. To me, such an alternative is far preferable to making any person the "right" person simply because he or she can immediately fill what is "abhorred" as an unbearable vacuum.

Human Nature Abhors a Vacuum, Too | Psychology Today