Should I trust him?

[lswife]

My husband says that he will work on his eating disorder (he has ruminating syndrome) if I go back to him. We have been separated for 2 months. If I don't go back to him he won't work on it because he says that the regurgitation doesn't bother him. Does that comment make you wonder if he is really committed to fixing his problem if I reconcile with him? Should I trust him?

 

[Daniel E.]

Does that comment make you wonder if he is really committed to fixing his problem if I reconcile with him?

Yes, it certainly does raise serious doubts.

 

[lswife]

Also he says that there must be other issues in our marriage and that he just can't believe that his eating disorder is the main thing. He thinks that I need to figure out why I am reacting to his disorder the way I do by being disgusted by it. Am I wrong in my way of thinking?

 

[Mari]

Am I wrong in my way of thinking?

I am curious. Is there a wrong way of thinking? I think that in a marriage both partners should be willing to make an effort. Is his problem fixable? :think: Mari

 

[lswife]

I suppose there is no "wrong" way of thinking. You think what you think.
According to the Mayo Clinic 80% of people who go for treatment for this disorder are cured.

My issue is that he does not want to fix his problem for himself, he will only do it if I go back with him. It makes me wonder if he is really serious about overcoming his bad habit.

 

[Daniel E.]

He thinks that I need to figure out why I am reacting to his disorder the way I do by being disgusted by it.

At least some people with the disorder seem to agree that it is disgusting (not to mention family members on the sidelines):

I feel that it is SO disgusting, SO socially unacceptable. I know it is, my parents have had huge pprobs with it, completly grossed out; In treatment my fellow patients and the team were grossed out by my doing it. I am ashamed about it...

Rumination Syndrome anyone? - SFWED Remember It Hurts Community

BTW, an interesting comment from that thread regarding treatment:

i have since seen a gastroenterologist who prescribed me with brilliant tablets called 'motilium'. motilium speeds up your stomach function so you are not faced with the full uncomfortable feeling where you feel the need to purge or ruminate.

 

[lswife]

Thank you Daniel for the information. I am going to tell my husband about the eating disorder forum and the drug Motilium. Hopefully he will do something about his ruminating.
I am so tired of coping with my husbands eating disorder so I am going to go for counselling to help me deal with my situation. I think that he should also go for counselling but I don't think that he will as he does not perceive that he has a problem that is why he says that he never told me before we were married until I accidentally found out a few years later. The only type of counselling he is willing to go to is for marriage counselling.
So much time has passed by since then spent dealing with this issue in all manner of ways, I've tried ignoring it, gone into debt a few times (spent too much money on stuff to try and make myself happy), becoming a long-distance runner (running away)and sometimes drinking too much alcohol to numb my feelings. All of those things never worked. Most of that time I've felt sad, lonely and angry. Maybe I should try feeling something else, like feeling hopeful that the future will be bright.

 

[Meg]

Have you considered couple's counselling, lswife? Having someone objective to work with you both at the same time might be very helpful.

 

[lswife]

Hi Meg, yes we have considered couples counselling but he will only go if I say I will go back to him. I would like to go to couples counselling regardless if I go back to him or not. I think that it would be a good thing for both of us. I will bring this topic up again and see if I can get him to change his mind.
I am also trying to help him see that this a treatable medical condition that he has. It's up to him to make the decision on making the first step on the road to recovery.

 

[Retired]

we have considered couples counselling but he will only go if I say I will go back to him

This is where a negotiation is required.

The purpose of counseling would be to investigate all the options for both of you. Getting back together would be only only one of the various possible outcomes of counseling, so getting back together should not be a pre condition to investigating the options.

Making this kind of pre condition on you is the same as though you demanded that he enroll in a treatment program for his disorder before you agree to counseling.

Counseling should be entered into without pre conditions, with the intention of figuring out what options are available to both of you as as possible solutions to your conflict.

You would then negotiate on what makes sense for each of you.

 

[Lana]

Hi Meg, yes we have considered couples counselling but he will only go if I say I will go back to him. I would like to go to couples counselling regardless if I go back to him or not. I think that it would be a good thing for both of us. I will bring this topic up again and see if I can get him to change his mind.
I am also trying to help him see that this a treatable medical condition that he has. It's up to him to make the decision on making the first step on the road to recovery.

Hi lswife;

I suspect that your husband is manipulating you. As soon as you go back to him, or say that you go back to him -- he gets what he wants. You? Maybe. Because there is nothing to stop him from following your return with the, "Well, I won't do it in front of you and it'll be just like before we married." OR "Well, you're back and I can work on that myself."

I agree with Steve on this one -- getting back together shouldn't be a condition whether he gets help or not. I'd even go so far as to say that it should be the other way around: he gets help, and then you can both go to couples therapy. That's pretty much as far as it all can go. Getting back together is the final step after all those other steps have taken place to mutual satisfaction.