SilentNinja
Member
This has took me a really long while to be able to post this,
For a few years i used to cause SI. I remember the first time I dis it in fact - I was in Judo and this girl was annoying me. I never ever spoke in class and never ever carried on in class, but this girl was trying to get me in trouble and I got really angry and was telling her to go away and leave me alone... and she pushed me in a friendly way and i pushed her back, but Sensei caught ME.. and told me to leave and go home, and the girl was laughing.
I ran into the changing rooms, was full of pure anger and hurt.. that's when I did it.. SI, and then had to cover it up with wrist bands, so no one ever noticed. I started doing it after that every time I felt this raging anger inside me. What I really want to do is shout and swear to let my anger out. Ii know it would help, but I hate swearing and have this thing... if I ever ever swear, i shall die. I live in fear of swearing words, my friends laugh at me. Iin a combat class once I was told to swear at an attacker. I couldnt say a word. He laughed at me and said if you won't swear just say "whale". Well I wanted to die at this point. All these guys and girls swearing at each other, and he wanted me to shout stupid words.
So I cant let anger out... not at all, never have been able to. it builds up inside me. Then i want to cry, and I cant even cry. I feel the anger and pain running through my blood, through my hands, can't do anything, so I'd find something and SI, not seriously though, because i am scared of it, but I used to do it all the time.
Well now it's back. I have no way to deal with my emotions and I really really want to SI but haven't. I have just been going crazy in my head, cant cope very well with it now. I was reading the sticky.. ways to help. Unfortunately things like trying to relax, listen to music, read, have a bath, anything slow, makes me worse, and the voice in my head tells me not to swear or shout or I will die. I can't shout, because of the thoughts, so I'm trapped, and not sure what I can do now.
For a few years i used to cause SI. I remember the first time I dis it in fact - I was in Judo and this girl was annoying me. I never ever spoke in class and never ever carried on in class, but this girl was trying to get me in trouble and I got really angry and was telling her to go away and leave me alone... and she pushed me in a friendly way and i pushed her back, but Sensei caught ME.. and told me to leave and go home, and the girl was laughing.
I ran into the changing rooms, was full of pure anger and hurt.. that's when I did it.. SI, and then had to cover it up with wrist bands, so no one ever noticed. I started doing it after that every time I felt this raging anger inside me. What I really want to do is shout and swear to let my anger out. Ii know it would help, but I hate swearing and have this thing... if I ever ever swear, i shall die. I live in fear of swearing words, my friends laugh at me. Iin a combat class once I was told to swear at an attacker. I couldnt say a word. He laughed at me and said if you won't swear just say "whale". Well I wanted to die at this point. All these guys and girls swearing at each other, and he wanted me to shout stupid words.
So I cant let anger out... not at all, never have been able to. it builds up inside me. Then i want to cry, and I cant even cry. I feel the anger and pain running through my blood, through my hands, can't do anything, so I'd find something and SI, not seriously though, because i am scared of it, but I used to do it all the time.
Well now it's back. I have no way to deal with my emotions and I really really want to SI but haven't. I have just been going crazy in my head, cant cope very well with it now. I was reading the sticky.. ways to help. Unfortunately things like trying to relax, listen to music, read, have a bath, anything slow, makes me worse, and the voice in my head tells me not to swear or shout or I will die. I can't shout, because of the thoughts, so I'm trapped, and not sure what I can do now.
