SyntheticSmile
Member
So I haven't been here in awhile (well, ok, I've been lurking occasionally. There are some very interesting articles here. 
). I've been avoiding this place because I originally came here as a way to ease myself into seeking therapy. When I realized I still wasn't likely going to meet that goal... I just kind of slumped back into despair and immersed myself back into my usual inane activities - computer games, cooking (I have no idea why. I have a HUGE hate-on for food.) and cleaning (nothing soothes my anger like vacuuming and dusting. that one has always confused me. lol). I'm back because I seem to have backed myself into a corner and I have no idea what I'm going to do. Suicide would be easier at this point. But then I've witnessed first hand what that does to the family left behind, so it isn't an option... just wishful thinking.
I have been a stay at home mom for the last two years. I was a single mom before this and had a job as a cook. Because of the nature of the job, I worked about four different places in the last year that I worked in this city. Then I met my fiance and three months later we moved to a new province. Bad decision I found for someone who is socially terrified and inept. I never made any friends and it took me a very long time to work up the nerve to get a job which I only had for three months and then quit because of some problems with sexual harassment. By this time we were engaged and were making plans for a bigger family, so my fiance said he wanted me to stay home (and I wanted to, too). I always assumed I could go back to cooking if I had too.
We moved back to Alberta about a year ago. We have since discovered that we can't have anymore children (unless we adopt of course... but you can't do that without lots of money and all we have is a bottomless pit of debt). This is a huge blow to me. I never wanted kids when I was younger. I was smart and hardworking. I was gonna be a career girl, etc. Then I got pregnant by some abusive sack of crap and those dreams went down the toilet. It took awhile for me to come to terms with that. But I accepted my new roll as a mom and having a family with more kids to look after took the place of my lost career goals. So I have lost my dreams for a career and now for a bigger family. I don't know what else there is in life to hope for, so it all looks pretty hopeless to me.
Because of problems with his previous employer (we are probably going to have to take them to court. oh joy.) my fiance has recently changed jobs. In the long run, this will be a better move career-wise for him. Right now though, it puts us in a big financial problem. Now I need to get a job - like yesterday. This has become a huge dilemma for me. Its not that I don't want to work. I am a very hard worker. That is probably the only good thing I've got going for me. I just hate interacting with people. I absolutely butchered my last job interview (for the job that I quit because of sexual harassment). The only reason I got the job was because of my references. I can't seem to talk right. Everything comes out backwards or mixed up. I say everything you are NOT supposed to say and none of the things you should say. I get head rushes and sort of dizzy. Sometimes I think I'm going to burst out crying or start throwing up for no reason. Now I'm in a worse position because I can't track down any of my references. All the restaurants I've worked at have either changed staff or shut down. I haven't had a job in 2 years. Before that I bounced around from job to job. I have no actual training in anything (I've cooked a ton, but I have no food safety certificates, etc). I am extremely awkward and have zero confidence. From an employers point of view, with just a resume to go by... I wouldn't hire me. I wouldn't even call for an interview.
This is my biggest problem. Working up the nerve to talk to an employer. Hell, just working up the nerve to apply. I've gone out a couple times now, meaning to go apply to a few places and all I could do was sit in the car fighting with myself to go in. And I couldn't. I sent out three applications by email to places i thought for sure I would get hired at because I've worked at other branches. But no. Didn't even get a single phone call asking for an interview. I am so discouraged. I know I had problems with social anxiety before... but those two years off of work sent me deeper into the abyss than ever before. I did not have to interact with anyone. Now I don't think I can at all. Hell, I can't even talk to a doctor to help me find a therapist. I really hate myself. I hate how useless I am. I hate how unfair this is to my fiance. I expect him to leave me, honestly. I would not blame him.
Holy crap... I'm so sorry that was so long. Kudos to anyone who actually made it through all that! Lol! :red:
). I've been avoiding this place because I originally came here as a way to ease myself into seeking therapy. When I realized I still wasn't likely going to meet that goal... I just kind of slumped back into despair and immersed myself back into my usual inane activities - computer games, cooking (I have no idea why. I have a HUGE hate-on for food.) and cleaning (nothing soothes my anger like vacuuming and dusting. that one has always confused me. lol). I'm back because I seem to have backed myself into a corner and I have no idea what I'm going to do. Suicide would be easier at this point. But then I've witnessed first hand what that does to the family left behind, so it isn't an option... just wishful thinking. I have been a stay at home mom for the last two years. I was a single mom before this and had a job as a cook. Because of the nature of the job, I worked about four different places in the last year that I worked in this city. Then I met my fiance and three months later we moved to a new province. Bad decision I found for someone who is socially terrified and inept. I never made any friends and it took me a very long time to work up the nerve to get a job which I only had for three months and then quit because of some problems with sexual harassment. By this time we were engaged and were making plans for a bigger family, so my fiance said he wanted me to stay home (and I wanted to, too). I always assumed I could go back to cooking if I had too.
We moved back to Alberta about a year ago. We have since discovered that we can't have anymore children (unless we adopt of course... but you can't do that without lots of money and all we have is a bottomless pit of debt). This is a huge blow to me. I never wanted kids when I was younger. I was smart and hardworking. I was gonna be a career girl, etc. Then I got pregnant by some abusive sack of crap and those dreams went down the toilet. It took awhile for me to come to terms with that. But I accepted my new roll as a mom and having a family with more kids to look after took the place of my lost career goals. So I have lost my dreams for a career and now for a bigger family. I don't know what else there is in life to hope for, so it all looks pretty hopeless to me.
Because of problems with his previous employer (we are probably going to have to take them to court. oh joy.) my fiance has recently changed jobs. In the long run, this will be a better move career-wise for him. Right now though, it puts us in a big financial problem. Now I need to get a job - like yesterday. This has become a huge dilemma for me. Its not that I don't want to work. I am a very hard worker. That is probably the only good thing I've got going for me. I just hate interacting with people. I absolutely butchered my last job interview (for the job that I quit because of sexual harassment). The only reason I got the job was because of my references. I can't seem to talk right. Everything comes out backwards or mixed up. I say everything you are NOT supposed to say and none of the things you should say. I get head rushes and sort of dizzy. Sometimes I think I'm going to burst out crying or start throwing up for no reason. Now I'm in a worse position because I can't track down any of my references. All the restaurants I've worked at have either changed staff or shut down. I haven't had a job in 2 years. Before that I bounced around from job to job. I have no actual training in anything (I've cooked a ton, but I have no food safety certificates, etc). I am extremely awkward and have zero confidence. From an employers point of view, with just a resume to go by... I wouldn't hire me. I wouldn't even call for an interview.
This is my biggest problem. Working up the nerve to talk to an employer. Hell, just working up the nerve to apply. I've gone out a couple times now, meaning to go apply to a few places and all I could do was sit in the car fighting with myself to go in. And I couldn't. I sent out three applications by email to places i thought for sure I would get hired at because I've worked at other branches. But no. Didn't even get a single phone call asking for an interview. I am so discouraged. I know I had problems with social anxiety before... but those two years off of work sent me deeper into the abyss than ever before. I did not have to interact with anyone. Now I don't think I can at all. Hell, I can't even talk to a doctor to help me find a therapist. I really hate myself. I hate how useless I am. I hate how unfair this is to my fiance. I expect him to leave me, honestly. I would not blame him.
Holy crap... I'm so sorry that was so long. Kudos to anyone who actually made it through all that! Lol! :red:
