I am glad to hear from a few people on this forum that I am not the only one going through this. Well I feel bad that they are going through what I am going through, but I feel better that I am not alone...
I had to distance myself from my parents, right? It's almost like instead of them dying and leaving me an orphan, it feels like something inside of me died. And it's sort of like, instead of my parents dying, I let them go, and they are dead to me in a way. Still pretty harsh, right?
So I saw my therapist a couple of times. One of the things he said to me was that this was a healthy decision for me. No doubt about it. The other thing he said was that my intentions were honourable. I was doing this to protect myself. The other thing was, I was not a bad person. Also, there isn't anything I can do about my mother; she is what she is and she refuses to change and I can't change that, so I will have to learn not to dwell on that. He told me to repeat those sorts of statements to myself when I meditate.
It may be a necessary step, but it's a really hard one. Parents tell us things that get stuck in our heads as a way of thinking. We didn't just think it, we lived and breathed it. My therapist explained it this way: even if you know logically that it was not your fault and you had to close them out and walk away just so you could survive and live a healthy life, there is still some kind of recording playing the background (subconscious) that is whispering to you that your healthy choices were wrong, and that you are a bad person, and that you should feel shame and guilt. So in order to combat this in myself, he suggested I try those positive statements I mentioned earlier, and repeat them, and make my subconscious eventually accept this as habit and truth instead of all the crap that I was raised on. That's gonna take some doing, but I am willing to try anything right now.
It took me years to finally say "ENOUGH!" and I have felt a level of peace I have never had before, but still somewhere deep inside I feel like a jerk. I worry if I did the right thing. I have people who support me, but I don't think they quite understand the turmoil. It's like I logically know that it was healthy to break off from them but I feel something isn't quiet agreeing with my logic...
I had to distance myself from my parents, right? It's almost like instead of them dying and leaving me an orphan, it feels like something inside of me died. And it's sort of like, instead of my parents dying, I let them go, and they are dead to me in a way. Still pretty harsh, right?
So I saw my therapist a couple of times. One of the things he said to me was that this was a healthy decision for me. No doubt about it. The other thing he said was that my intentions were honourable. I was doing this to protect myself. The other thing was, I was not a bad person. Also, there isn't anything I can do about my mother; she is what she is and she refuses to change and I can't change that, so I will have to learn not to dwell on that. He told me to repeat those sorts of statements to myself when I meditate.
It may be a necessary step, but it's a really hard one. Parents tell us things that get stuck in our heads as a way of thinking. We didn't just think it, we lived and breathed it. My therapist explained it this way: even if you know logically that it was not your fault and you had to close them out and walk away just so you could survive and live a healthy life, there is still some kind of recording playing the background (subconscious) that is whispering to you that your healthy choices were wrong, and that you are a bad person, and that you should feel shame and guilt. So in order to combat this in myself, he suggested I try those positive statements I mentioned earlier, and repeat them, and make my subconscious eventually accept this as habit and truth instead of all the crap that I was raised on. That's gonna take some doing, but I am willing to try anything right now.
It took me years to finally say "ENOUGH!" and I have felt a level of peace I have never had before, but still somewhere deep inside I feel like a jerk. I worry if I did the right thing. I have people who support me, but I don't think they quite understand the turmoil. It's like I logically know that it was healthy to break off from them but I feel something isn't quiet agreeing with my logic...