Ten Simple Steps to a Remarkable Relationship

[David Baxter PhD]

Ten Simple Steps to a Remarkable Relationship
by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.
August 26, 2012

Radical Change Occurs When You Overcome Your Listening Disorder

Practicing these ten steps will change everything, whether your most difficult relationship is with your mother, spouse, sister, best friend, or child.

1. Say as your mantra, "Listening well is the ultimate spiritual act."
   Remember that how you listen defines how your relationship goes, and whether the other person is happy to see you or not.
   
   
2. Don?t just do something. Stand there!
   When the other person shares a problem, they are not inviting you to fix it, or give advice. Practice just listening.
   
   
3. Stay Curious: You don?t know how she or he feels.
   Be curious about the other person's experience. Don?t eclipse the specificity of his or her story, with a story of your own. (?I know just how you feel because, because I remember how scared I was before my gall bladder surgery?).
   
   
4. Forget About Being Right.
   Leave room for two different realities, without trying to change, fix, or convince him.. Foster a collaborative spirit rather than a competitive debate.
   
   
5. Check yourself for defensiveness.
   Defensiveness is normal and universal. It is also the arch enemy of listening. It will reduce the listening part of the human brain to the size of a pinto bean.
   
   
6. Breathe.
   Defensiveness is in the body so calm yourself anyway you can.
   
   
7. Don?t interrupt, argue, or make your case.
   Think of having two conversations. Tell yourself, ?In this conversation, I will only listen and try to understand.? I can share my differences in the next conversation.
   
   
8. Become an expert questioner:
   Ask questions to help clarify the other person's point of view and to show you care about understanding her. Asking for specifics is not the same thing as nitpicking or cross-examining. Don?t act like a lawyer even if you are one.
   
   
9. Try the ?ultimate listening experiment?
   Challenge yourself and surprise your partner by inviting the very conversation you most dread. (Her worries about your son, her anger about the unfair division of labor) Set up a ?meeting time? to listen when you?re free of distraction and have good intentions. Tell her in advance you?re there only to hear everything about what she?s upset or angry about.
   
   
10. Draw the line at insults.
    Listening with an open heart is not the same as allowing yourself to be demeaned or badly treated.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Books by Dr. Harriet Lerner

The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner (May 3, 2005)


Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up by Harriet Lerner (Jan 5, 2012)


The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate by Harriet Lerner (Aug 6, 2002)


The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner (Mar 19, 1990)


The Dance of Deception: A Guide to Authenticity and Truth-Telling in Women's Relationships by Harriet Lerner (Jan 20, 1994)


Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame That Keep Us from Optimal Living and Loving by Harriet Lerner (May 11, 2004)


The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life by Harriet Lerner (Apr 7, 1999)

 

[Retired]

When the other person shares a problem, they are not inviting you to fix it, or give advice. Practice just listening.

I learned that when listening to someone vent about their situation, all they would like to hear from the person lending their ear is:

... Uh-Huh, Uh-Huh, Uh-Huh........Uh-Huh.