David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
The Conflict Avoider
by Suzanne St. John Smith, M.A., M.A. (Psych)., C.C.C
May 4, 2011
I’m often asked whether there’s a most common issue facing those who seek therapy, and usually I respond by saying that there really isn’t one issue that stands out, per se. However, there seems to be a common root to a significant number of issues that I help clients with, that is, “conflict avoidance”. The avoidance of conflict, both in the immediate- and long-term, not only has the ability to undermine the foundation for any healthy relationship, it more often than not eventually leads directly to its undoing. Unfortunately, this usually occurs with the direct ‘approval’ of the avoider. In other words, if given the choice, some people would much rather see a relationship dissolve before their very eyes than risk facing the potential pain, awkwardness, or anxiety that often accompanies the act of being fully present and honest with another human being.
Couple’s therapy is often a place where this phenomenon is most evident. In fact, I can’t count the number of times that couples have stated with pride that throughout the course of their relationship they rarely, if ever, argued, as if that fact represented the gold standard for a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, it isn’t. It may be a relatively quiet and (externally) peaceful relationship, but it certainly isn’t a healthy one, primarily for two reasons: 1) it’s void of the full spectrum of human emotions, some of which include frustration, anger, and resentment, and 2) the entire relationship is based upon the avoider’s fear. Yet, upon hearing their declaration of “non-arguing”, I almost hate to disappoint them when they clearly hold it such high regard. But it’s typically never too long before I burst that balloon, and let them know that perhaps if they’d argued a bit more (in healthy and respectful ways, of course) they just might not be sitting in an office like mine.
Conflict avoidance, as is the case for conflict confronters, is a communication style that is often formed within the family of origin. For example, an adult who was raised by at least one parent who was a conflict avoider, may have learned early in life that avoiding conflict seemed to work best for that parent. (Note, however, that the concept of “worked best” doesn’t necessarily imply ‘healthiest’, rather it may just mean what seemed emotionally or physically ‘safest’ for the individual under their particular circumstances.) Another scenario where a conflict avoidance style might be adopted early in life is where a child is parented by one, or both, parents who were conflict confronters – confronters who may have elicited a great deal of fear on the part of the child. Consequently, as a survival mechanism, the child will often do anything to avoid creating additional conflict within the family and will, in many cases, adopt the role of a ‘people pleaser’ in childhood, as well as in their adult relationships, thus, becoming what we know as a “co-dependent” or “self-sacrificer” in the process.
Regardless of the origin of conflict avoidance, one thing is certain: both the avoider, and those around them, pay a huge price for the behavior – and often, as I said previously, the price paid may mean the end to many relationships over their lifetime. By definition, their relationships (other than casual acquaintances) tend to be time-limited, since it’s inevitable that all people in relationships will at one point or other experience conflict. And, if it’s not dealt with appropriately, or avoided all together, the only option is to remain silent, hoping the problem will go away by itself which, of course it never does. Consequently, the relationship dies either physically (it ends, and the people part), or emotionally (where people may stay together but where little remains between them). Regardless, it’s not that the conflict avoider is unpleasant to be around. On the contrary. The avoider tends to be on the surface, at least, easy-going, flexible, and eager to please. It’s wonderful having people like that in one’s life since one thing’s for sure, they won’t cause any conflict. But, underneath, most of these people experience huge amounts of resentment, even rage, because by sacrificing their ‘voice’ – both literally and figuratively – their lives are often out of their own hands since they simply won’t “beg to differ”. As such, many end up experiencing lives so very different than they had originally hoped for (yet refused to fight for). Consequently, by honouring their commitment to “keep peace at any price”, most of their negative emotions are merely swallowed, at least until they find they can no longer do so successfully. At that point, the emotions of the avoider either erupt overtly or, more typically, they engage in the only form of anger they consider safest: passive aggression – another relationship killer.
So what to do? Well, if you’re an avoider, and you’re no longer willing to pay the price of seeing important relationships with others (and, by the way, with yourself, too) wither and die, then the first step is to find your voice, again, both literally and figuratively. Find the many ways in which you ‘hide’ in relationships, and decide that you’re going to find the courage to begin speaking up, to begin showing up in your relationships, to begin to be yourself more fully. You have the right, after all, and, in doing so, you might be surprised at the freedom it offers you, a freedom that you’ve missed out on your entire life. Yes, it’ll probably mean introducing more conflict into your life, but once you experience the freedom of your own voice, you may never decide to sell yourself out ever again. And, because of that decision you’ll no doubt need to learn the sorts of tools that will help you deal with conflict. But that’s the second step. The first step is to begin speaking up, no longer being the ‘people pleaser’. In the ‘pleaser’s’ place will stand a fully present and emotionally tangible person with a unique voice, who will be finally known by others, and, again, most importantly, by themselves.
So, again, how to begin? Get off the proverbial fence, take a stance, find your voice, and then…offer an opinion!
Suzanne St. John Smith, M.A., M.A. (Psych)., C.C.C, is an Adlerian-trained psychotherapist in private practice in West Vancouver, and I work with individuals, couples, and families. For more information, see West Vancouver Counsellor - Individual, Couple, Family Counseling and Psychotherapy - Suzanne St. John Smith.
by Suzanne St. John Smith, M.A., M.A. (Psych)., C.C.C
May 4, 2011
I’m often asked whether there’s a most common issue facing those who seek therapy, and usually I respond by saying that there really isn’t one issue that stands out, per se. However, there seems to be a common root to a significant number of issues that I help clients with, that is, “conflict avoidance”. The avoidance of conflict, both in the immediate- and long-term, not only has the ability to undermine the foundation for any healthy relationship, it more often than not eventually leads directly to its undoing. Unfortunately, this usually occurs with the direct ‘approval’ of the avoider. In other words, if given the choice, some people would much rather see a relationship dissolve before their very eyes than risk facing the potential pain, awkwardness, or anxiety that often accompanies the act of being fully present and honest with another human being.
Couple’s therapy is often a place where this phenomenon is most evident. In fact, I can’t count the number of times that couples have stated with pride that throughout the course of their relationship they rarely, if ever, argued, as if that fact represented the gold standard for a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, it isn’t. It may be a relatively quiet and (externally) peaceful relationship, but it certainly isn’t a healthy one, primarily for two reasons: 1) it’s void of the full spectrum of human emotions, some of which include frustration, anger, and resentment, and 2) the entire relationship is based upon the avoider’s fear. Yet, upon hearing their declaration of “non-arguing”, I almost hate to disappoint them when they clearly hold it such high regard. But it’s typically never too long before I burst that balloon, and let them know that perhaps if they’d argued a bit more (in healthy and respectful ways, of course) they just might not be sitting in an office like mine.
Conflict avoidance, as is the case for conflict confronters, is a communication style that is often formed within the family of origin. For example, an adult who was raised by at least one parent who was a conflict avoider, may have learned early in life that avoiding conflict seemed to work best for that parent. (Note, however, that the concept of “worked best” doesn’t necessarily imply ‘healthiest’, rather it may just mean what seemed emotionally or physically ‘safest’ for the individual under their particular circumstances.) Another scenario where a conflict avoidance style might be adopted early in life is where a child is parented by one, or both, parents who were conflict confronters – confronters who may have elicited a great deal of fear on the part of the child. Consequently, as a survival mechanism, the child will often do anything to avoid creating additional conflict within the family and will, in many cases, adopt the role of a ‘people pleaser’ in childhood, as well as in their adult relationships, thus, becoming what we know as a “co-dependent” or “self-sacrificer” in the process.
Regardless of the origin of conflict avoidance, one thing is certain: both the avoider, and those around them, pay a huge price for the behavior – and often, as I said previously, the price paid may mean the end to many relationships over their lifetime. By definition, their relationships (other than casual acquaintances) tend to be time-limited, since it’s inevitable that all people in relationships will at one point or other experience conflict. And, if it’s not dealt with appropriately, or avoided all together, the only option is to remain silent, hoping the problem will go away by itself which, of course it never does. Consequently, the relationship dies either physically (it ends, and the people part), or emotionally (where people may stay together but where little remains between them). Regardless, it’s not that the conflict avoider is unpleasant to be around. On the contrary. The avoider tends to be on the surface, at least, easy-going, flexible, and eager to please. It’s wonderful having people like that in one’s life since one thing’s for sure, they won’t cause any conflict. But, underneath, most of these people experience huge amounts of resentment, even rage, because by sacrificing their ‘voice’ – both literally and figuratively – their lives are often out of their own hands since they simply won’t “beg to differ”. As such, many end up experiencing lives so very different than they had originally hoped for (yet refused to fight for). Consequently, by honouring their commitment to “keep peace at any price”, most of their negative emotions are merely swallowed, at least until they find they can no longer do so successfully. At that point, the emotions of the avoider either erupt overtly or, more typically, they engage in the only form of anger they consider safest: passive aggression – another relationship killer.
So what to do? Well, if you’re an avoider, and you’re no longer willing to pay the price of seeing important relationships with others (and, by the way, with yourself, too) wither and die, then the first step is to find your voice, again, both literally and figuratively. Find the many ways in which you ‘hide’ in relationships, and decide that you’re going to find the courage to begin speaking up, to begin showing up in your relationships, to begin to be yourself more fully. You have the right, after all, and, in doing so, you might be surprised at the freedom it offers you, a freedom that you’ve missed out on your entire life. Yes, it’ll probably mean introducing more conflict into your life, but once you experience the freedom of your own voice, you may never decide to sell yourself out ever again. And, because of that decision you’ll no doubt need to learn the sorts of tools that will help you deal with conflict. But that’s the second step. The first step is to begin speaking up, no longer being the ‘people pleaser’. In the ‘pleaser’s’ place will stand a fully present and emotionally tangible person with a unique voice, who will be finally known by others, and, again, most importantly, by themselves.
So, again, how to begin? Get off the proverbial fence, take a stance, find your voice, and then…offer an opinion!
Suzanne St. John Smith, M.A., M.A. (Psych)., C.C.C, is an Adlerian-trained psychotherapist in private practice in West Vancouver, and I work with individuals, couples, and families. For more information, see West Vancouver Counsellor - Individual, Couple, Family Counseling and Psychotherapy - Suzanne St. John Smith.
