David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
The Domino Effect in Codependency
by Melissa Karnaze
July 5, 2009
Codependency really is no fun.
Nobody wins. Everyone loses. We’re all brought down like a stack of dominoes.
Codependency really is a big deal. There’s a library of codependency literature, online and offline. It’s inflicted a lot of people. And a lot of organizations and societies too.
The sad part is, there’s probably too much information out there for it to be helpful in an immediate and direct way. Because there are too many angles on the issue. Too many professional opinions — most if not all of which are extremely helpful.
In other words, there’s too much noise. The overabundance of codependency literature may appear to be a good thing.
But at the end of the day, if you want to find the quickest way to pin down recurrent symptoms of codependency — you don’t have time to read an entire book, or refer to your ten-plus pages of notes.
You are already feeling the feelings, and getting back into your head won’t do you much good.
A codependent is a domino
You’re a domino, standing in front of another one — the person you are codependent on.
The other person starts to wobble, and all the while you remain, right there next to them.
They wobble some more, and you start to wonder if you should move over a bit — but you talk yourself out of it.
Then they’re so unstable that they fall — onto you. So you go down with them.
You’re both face to the ground now.
You may manage to pick yourself back up. (You may manage to help them up too.) But no matter how neatly you realign, if they start to wobble, they’ll only knock you down again.
Do you want to be a domino?
If you put yourself into a position where someone else’s fall will bring you crashing to the ground — you might as well put the books away and use that time to do something useful before your next tumble.
How to avoid the domino effect
No matter hard you think it, or how much you convince yourself of it — the other person is not to blame for all your problems, your negative moods, or your pain.1
That’s something a domino would say. “Oh, but it was the guy behind me!”
If you don’t want to be a domino, then you have to stop thinking like one.
Sure, they’re messed up. Sure, they haven’t called. Or apologized. Or cleaned up. Or learned. Or healed. Or admitted to anything.
But as counter-intuitive as it may sound — that is their problem, not yours.
The moment you make it your problem is the moment you slip into codependency, and the moment you put yourself right back in line.
The telltale sign of being a domino
So the next time your face hits the ground, and when you look behind to see who pushed you to fall — that’s when you know you were already too late.
You had already lined yourself up with the other dominoes in your life.
There’s nothing you can do but acknowledge it, and take the telltale sign for what’s is worth: a warning.
Unfortunately, it’s much easier to know you had chosen to be a domino only after you’ve fallen. Only after your hissy fit, bout of rage, big cry, deep depression — or however else you express the feelings of codependent victim hood.
You weren’t meant to be a domino
The next time you pick yourself back up from the ground, take a look around.
Where do you really want to be standing? Who do you want to be standing for? For him, or her, or them, or it — or for you?
You only lined up in a dangerous spot before because you felt you couldn’t stand in your own.
But you weren’t meant to stand in danger.
You were meant to overcome it.
And create a space to call your own.
1 Though they may initially have given you cause to co-create some problems, allow some moods, or experience some pain.
by Melissa Karnaze
July 5, 2009
Codependency really is no fun.
Nobody wins. Everyone loses. We’re all brought down like a stack of dominoes.
Codependency really is a big deal. There’s a library of codependency literature, online and offline. It’s inflicted a lot of people. And a lot of organizations and societies too.
The sad part is, there’s probably too much information out there for it to be helpful in an immediate and direct way. Because there are too many angles on the issue. Too many professional opinions — most if not all of which are extremely helpful.
In other words, there’s too much noise. The overabundance of codependency literature may appear to be a good thing.
But at the end of the day, if you want to find the quickest way to pin down recurrent symptoms of codependency — you don’t have time to read an entire book, or refer to your ten-plus pages of notes.
You are already feeling the feelings, and getting back into your head won’t do you much good.
A codependent is a domino
“How easy it is to blame our problems on others. ‘Look at what he’s doing.’… ‘Look how long I’ve waited.’… ‘Why doesn’t she call?’… ‘If only he’d change then I’d be happy.’…” ~ Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go
Codependency is all about the domino effect. You’re a domino, standing in front of another one — the person you are codependent on.
The other person starts to wobble, and all the while you remain, right there next to them.
They wobble some more, and you start to wonder if you should move over a bit — but you talk yourself out of it.
Then they’re so unstable that they fall — onto you. So you go down with them.
You’re both face to the ground now.
You may manage to pick yourself back up. (You may manage to help them up too.) But no matter how neatly you realign, if they start to wobble, they’ll only knock you down again.
Do you want to be a domino?
“Often, our accusations are justified. We probably are feeling hurt and frustrated. In those moments, we may begin to believe that the solution to our pain and frustration is getting the other person to do what we want, or having the outcome we desire. But these self-defeating illusions put the power and control of our life in other people’s hands. We can call this codependency.” ~ Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go
No matter how many codependency books you read, or how many pages of notes you take, it won’t matter as long as you keep lining yourself up as a domino.If you put yourself into a position where someone else’s fall will bring you crashing to the ground — you might as well put the books away and use that time to do something useful before your next tumble.
How to avoid the domino effect
No matter hard you think it, or how much you convince yourself of it — the other person is not to blame for all your problems, your negative moods, or your pain.1
That’s something a domino would say. “Oh, but it was the guy behind me!”
If you don’t want to be a domino, then you have to stop thinking like one.
Sure, they’re messed up. Sure, they haven’t called. Or apologized. Or cleaned up. Or learned. Or healed. Or admitted to anything.
But as counter-intuitive as it may sound — that is their problem, not yours.
The moment you make it your problem is the moment you slip into codependency, and the moment you put yourself right back in line.
The telltale sign of being a domino
So the next time your face hits the ground, and when you look behind to see who pushed you to fall — that’s when you know you were already too late.
You had already lined yourself up with the other dominoes in your life.
There’s nothing you can do but acknowledge it, and take the telltale sign for what’s is worth: a warning.
Unfortunately, it’s much easier to know you had chosen to be a domino only after you’ve fallen. Only after your hissy fit, bout of rage, big cry, deep depression — or however else you express the feelings of codependent victim hood.
You weren’t meant to be a domino
The next time you pick yourself back up from the ground, take a look around.
Where do you really want to be standing? Who do you want to be standing for? For him, or her, or them, or it — or for you?
You only lined up in a dangerous spot before because you felt you couldn’t stand in your own.
But you weren’t meant to stand in danger.
You were meant to overcome it.
And create a space to call your own.
1 Though they may initially have given you cause to co-create some problems, allow some moods, or experience some pain.
