The in-between

[Ashley-Kate]

well i feel like **** , that is not such a nice term but i can't describe it any better , i went out for the first time in my life with some friends and my boyfriend and had a drink than another i was just so tiered that i didn't give a **** anymore i kept drinking till i knew i passed my limit and kept going for the first time in my life as i can remember i lost controle over myself i was feeling "happy" but i was drunk and i feel so bad at the moment i realise i was so not myself and feel like i just lost controle i feel stupid and hidious , i am so used to fallowing the rules i set in my head with this disorder and here i am breaking them i want to be proud of myself to say good for me i deifed the ruoles of anorexia but i am ****ed i feel like it just set me back farther than i was before convincing myself that i don't deserve to have fun and that that will never hapen again and that i will have to work hard to earace all the stupidity i caused while being out ,it's not like i did anything bad or anything i was able to function but i expressed feelings of happyness and above all i was not terrified of someone holding me ( my boyfriend) who never holds me , and for once i trusted someone and in my anorexia i have always been convinced that i can't trust anybody but myself . why do i feel so mad and frustrated why can't the stupid little voice that tells me to be in order to be strict to not have fun just shut up, why wcan't it leave, some days i feel like it is the end i should stop i need to and then in a split second i am there saying i need the disorder cause she is what makes me hole i can't take being in between anymore but i don't know how to step away , or rather i know how but don't have the guts to do so.. nplease ..help
ashley

 

[Daniel E.]

i can't take being in between anymore

That's a feeling I have felt before, though about depression and anxiety rather than anorexia. The feeling, at the time, was one of frustration and an ironic feeling that if I was more depressed, in some sense there would be more relief and less anxiety. But I felt better sooner than later since every mood is temporary.

...but i don't know how to step away , or rather i know how but don't have the guts to do so..

We are all inclined towards our habitual ways of feeling and acting, but our minds also take on new habits very well, so even the most gradual, small steps in a positive direction will help.