This time of year

[Auburn]

I tell myself each year that it will be better. But, as soon as December starts to approach, it is apparent it isn't going to be better. Tonite it really snuck up on me and the despair is so overwhelming. We have been doing great, and it is disheartening to have this happen. Logically, I understand that Dec is the month of the trauma, but logic tends to not help much.
I am so sad tonite, the kids are getting excited about Xmas and I just don't want to even think about it. I don't want to celebrate at all, and I because the kids don't know what happened, it is exhausting. I put on my smile and try to muddle my way through, but I just really want to curl up and wait till the month passes.
Just needed to write my thoughts down.

 

[HA]

I hope your overwhelming feelings fade soon. I can only imagine how exhausting it must be, Auburn.
:grouphug:

 

[Auburn]

Thank you HeartArt. I don't want to backslide. We have been doing so great. Both Dave and I. But tonite, it has a nasty grip. I couldn't even tell Dave. I knew he would want to stay home with me, but I don't want that. PTSD has such a way of knocking you down and tonite it is holding me down. GAWD, it makes me so mad! And at the same time, all I can do is cry. I need to be in bed, but my brain just doesn't want to give me any relief. I sat here hoping one of you was here. How sad is that?
Thanks again hun, as always, this is the place of safety I come to so I can try to make sense of myself. This is the only place I can speak feely and not feel like a burden. I hope you know how much I appreciate you all.

 

[HA]

I'm glad I was here when you posted, Auburn. It is good to have a place that you come to so you can talk about what you are going through.

I should be sleeping to so will get myself to bed now. Have you got something that you can use to help you sleep or relax. Calming music, drink of milk, prescribed medication?

See you tomorrow.

 

[Auburn]

Thank you for staying up and just being here. I will be back tomorrow, I imagine quite alot over the next month. I will find a way to sleep, no worries. take care of you and thanks again.

 

[Laurie1407]

Hi Auburn
I just caught up on your story I can some what relate.
I lost my sister to a brutal murder 33 years ago and it still feels like yesterday to me.
Thankfully I wasn't there but I have a very vivid imagination in my head as if I was there,
So my heart goes out to you both,that must be so horrible you both.
So sorry for your great loss.
((((HUGS))))
Laurie

 

[Auburn]

Thank you Laurie. I know my friends want to help, but it doesn't feel fair to dump on them when they can't really understand. They can empathize, but how many times? So, my solace is here. I know that everyone here understands my rants, and the flashbacks and the anxiety as the anniversary approaches. I did not sleep much at all last night, so I am hoping that maybe tonight I will sleep. Thank you again for you words.

 

[ladylore]

Thank you Laurie. I know my friends want to help, but it doesn't feel fair to dump on them when they can't really understand. They can empathize, but how many times? So, my solace is here. I know that everyone here understands my rants, and the flashbacks and the anxiety as the anniversary approaches. I did not sleep much at all last night, so I am hoping that maybe tonight I will sleep. Thank you again for you words.

Hey Auburn,

December hits me the same way. One way I am coping this year is counting down the days to Dec 21 when the days get longer once again.

I am glad you feel safe here - not a bad place to be. What I did want to add is to not to underestimate your friends as they could be going through something similar and don't want to burden anyone else with it either. :hug:

 

[Auburn]

Hi ladylore.

You know, I try to be positive and prove that I can rise above. But, last night really kicked the tar out of me. I think the hardest part of dealing with all of this, is that it tends to blindside you. Yesterday was fine, and then all of a sudden, it wasn't. And it took such a hold on me. I couldn't shake it. That is when I get angry with myself, even though that doesn't help.
I used to look forward to this time of year, the earth's needed slumber and rejuvenation, but now it has such a negative connotation. It is hard to even look forward to the winter solstice.
I want my life back, I really do. And we have made such strides. I am so proud of us, this just was such a slap in the face. It felt like it had to remind me.
I know it was get better, but in the face of the grip it had last night, it was very hard to focus on the positive. So, I have a plan in place for tonight, on the off chance I start feeling cornered again. But, as of right now, I am feeling ok, not great, but ok.
This is my haven, and all of you have become such a part of my path.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It does hit you out of the blue like that. I too have an unhappy anniversary date approaching (December 2). I don't think I'd been really even aware of it until I had a very vivid dream last Sunday morning that woke me up because it was so real. I've been battling that sad feeling ever since.

 

[ladylore]

Being blindsided by feelings really does suck. I get it - really I do. In the mean time I am sending along a few of these. :hug::hug:

 

[Halo]

The anniversary of a difficult time is always hard to deal with and I can relate as well. I am glad that you feel safe and secure enought to reach out to us in this difficult time.

Sending you lots of hugs :hug: :hug: :hug:

Take care
:heart::heart:

 

[Auburn]

Thank you all. I only hope you know how much all your words mean to me. It has been a rough couple of days, but I had a distraction. Dave is so sick. So, with him at home, it has made my nights a bit easier.
I am just dreading the next few weeks, but I am trying to be hopeful. It just becomes overwhelming at times, and as hard as I try, it gets the best of me.
My one lifeline is all of you and knowing that I have you all in this little haven, means the world to me.

 

[Auburn]

Today was a good day. I had a few moments where I felt very close to losing it, but overall, it was a much better day. Dave is still at home, poor bugger and I am sure that has alot to do with feeling a bit better, but one day at a time. Thanks again for all your words of support. Much love to you all

 

[Halo]

Auburn,

I am glad to hear that you had a better day...keep hanging on, you will get through this :hug: :hug:

Take care
:heart::heart:

 

[Auburn]

Dave and I talked today about the feelings we have been having. And both of us feel so bad about Xmas. In all honesty, we would both just skip it. It is exhausting to pretend for the kids. It really does wear us out.
David, I understand about the anniversary date, and for as much as you have done for me, I would take it all for you if I could. I guess I sort of expected it to get better, or easier. But it hasn't. I think that is what makes it so disheartening. And the way it blindsides you, it almost seems like a surprise.
We are both feeling very raw, even Xmas music hurts. So, given that I work in a bank, that is all that is playing. Makes for a very long day. But, at least today, we were able to vent to each other and just having that makes a world of difference. We understand each other. Sadly, too many other people think you should just "get over it" I think that they believe we dwell on it. The sad truth is that we don't think about it, or try our best not to. So when it rears its ugly head, it feels fresh and raw.
It is shocking what the brain can do to you, and until all this happened, I never quite understood. I wish I could say I still didn't.
Much love to you all

 

[Cat Dancer]

This is a hard time of year for me too so my heart is with you. I think you're very brave. I am glad you found Psychlinks and I'm glad you come here and talk when you need to. I think it's a great resource and a great way to connect to others who understand in some way what we're going through.

 

[Into The Light]

i am so sorry for all the intensity you both are going through. i have no idea what it must be like, but it sounds horrible, for it to be coming back just as strongly just when you thought you were doing better. having to pretend for the kids is a lot of additional stress on top of everything else. i am glad though that you and dave have been able to vent about it to each other.

is there anything at all that you could do to make christmas just a tiny bit positive, reduce the burden for you? i can't think of anything concrete at the moment but if you can think of something to do differently it might help.

how old are your kids?

 

[Auburn]

My oldest girl is 13 and the twins are 9 now. So, the younger ones still believe in Santa and they just get so hyped up. My oldest of course knows who Santa is, but still gets so excited. They deserve so much more at this time of year, but as Dave and I talked about today, it is all we can do to make it through this time of year. The anniversary is Dec 13th and then of course Xmas. I feel bad because I don't decorate till very close to Xmas and even our tree doesn't go up till about a week or so before. How silly is it that all of that hurts so much??

 

[Into The Light]

it isn't silly at all. :hug: :hug: the christmas season has a certain air about it and when something bad happens in that season, every time christmas rolls around again it's like returning back to where you were when the bad thing happened.

is there anyone around who could help you with the decorations and the gifts?