Lostmarbles
Member
As far as I was aware, thread is something that you push through a needle, in order to sew something, so bear with me as I struggle to figure out all the bells and whistles at this site. Tonight I find the site a bit frightening. So many places to click on to. I don't know if I am even posting this to anywhere, let alone weather or not I have the right place to be posting my words.
I feel it necessary to introduce myself, if I am to be traversing this place of so many "threads".
Gee, I don't know where to start.....thinking...
I grew up in Ottawa. I came from an emotionally and sexually abusive family, that hid behind a veil of respect and admiration from the community. Having grown up at a time when people did not share feelings with each other, let alone recognize their children's needs, I, as a child, learned to look at the world through mistrusting eyes. I am the youngest of three children. My eldest sister has multiple personalities that encompass 29 people. Her hell was worse. My brother was my mentor, my hero,protector, parent, best friend, and what I describe as Dr, Frankenstein- me being his creation.
I carried a passionate hate for my father..well, who didn't... throughout my childhood. My father was the perfect gentleman, as he diddled with me, telling me what a perfect princess I was. At 4 years of age, he took me on one of our usual diddling excursions, to hurdman's bridge. A place that he often took me...remote, beyond other's eyes. That particular day, I was sitting on my ankles, bent over the water's shore, melding with the beauty of clam shell colors, when my father called me to come to him. He was urinating in the river. I felt an uncomfortable feeling inside...not that previous abuses were ever uncomfortable..but I had no wish to go to him. He got angry and demanded that I come to him. He dragged me upwards along the slope next to a train bridge. He pulled me across the bridge to the center, and promptly pulled me upwards, grabbed my ankles and held me upside down over the Rideau river below.
At first I thought this was some kind of great, new adventure he was showing me. As I looked up towards, at the rushing water, I heard him say "I will drop you onto the rocks..your head will split open and kill you, if you ever tell anyone anything about us." This was the first time I ever felt such fear. I learned what it was to fear dieing. My survival instincts kicked in. I found myself laughing and saying "yes daddy, I love you". It was also the first feeling I experienced in life, of loosing the trust and love for a human. I felt fear and hatred. I now know so many reasons for my future behavior, since that day. I have learned to forgive family downfalls, yet now I am left with fears. Not so much from childhood experiences, but from what they drove me to behave like. Those early years influenced my outlook on life.
I will go on a bit more with more present day influences later, but for now, I am a recluse that needs at least 3-4 days to prepare for any outing. I am terrified of people and how they tend to grab at my character. I just wish I could be boring enough to not draw attention. I am in conflict between my needs/desires that keep my psyche strong and with the outer world. Every time I get out there and do what my passions need to do..I end up with people coming out of the woodwork..asking things like "how do you do this?" or "What inspires your creativity?" It feels like I am being fed upon. The more I put part of my being out..as in my artwork or philosophies, the more I end up being suffocated with people who want to know me. I don't want to know them. I think of them as psychic vampires. They terrify me. So, the bottom line is that I feel wonderful with the natural flow of nature and I feel right in belonging to it...I will never be a wall street broker.
I feel it necessary to introduce myself, if I am to be traversing this place of so many "threads".
Gee, I don't know where to start.....thinking...
I grew up in Ottawa. I came from an emotionally and sexually abusive family, that hid behind a veil of respect and admiration from the community. Having grown up at a time when people did not share feelings with each other, let alone recognize their children's needs, I, as a child, learned to look at the world through mistrusting eyes. I am the youngest of three children. My eldest sister has multiple personalities that encompass 29 people. Her hell was worse. My brother was my mentor, my hero,protector, parent, best friend, and what I describe as Dr, Frankenstein- me being his creation.
I carried a passionate hate for my father..well, who didn't... throughout my childhood. My father was the perfect gentleman, as he diddled with me, telling me what a perfect princess I was. At 4 years of age, he took me on one of our usual diddling excursions, to hurdman's bridge. A place that he often took me...remote, beyond other's eyes. That particular day, I was sitting on my ankles, bent over the water's shore, melding with the beauty of clam shell colors, when my father called me to come to him. He was urinating in the river. I felt an uncomfortable feeling inside...not that previous abuses were ever uncomfortable..but I had no wish to go to him. He got angry and demanded that I come to him. He dragged me upwards along the slope next to a train bridge. He pulled me across the bridge to the center, and promptly pulled me upwards, grabbed my ankles and held me upside down over the Rideau river below.
At first I thought this was some kind of great, new adventure he was showing me. As I looked up towards, at the rushing water, I heard him say "I will drop you onto the rocks..your head will split open and kill you, if you ever tell anyone anything about us." This was the first time I ever felt such fear. I learned what it was to fear dieing. My survival instincts kicked in. I found myself laughing and saying "yes daddy, I love you". It was also the first feeling I experienced in life, of loosing the trust and love for a human. I felt fear and hatred. I now know so many reasons for my future behavior, since that day. I have learned to forgive family downfalls, yet now I am left with fears. Not so much from childhood experiences, but from what they drove me to behave like. Those early years influenced my outlook on life.
I will go on a bit more with more present day influences later, but for now, I am a recluse that needs at least 3-4 days to prepare for any outing. I am terrified of people and how they tend to grab at my character. I just wish I could be boring enough to not draw attention. I am in conflict between my needs/desires that keep my psyche strong and with the outer world. Every time I get out there and do what my passions need to do..I end up with people coming out of the woodwork..asking things like "how do you do this?" or "What inspires your creativity?" It feels like I am being fed upon. The more I put part of my being out..as in my artwork or philosophies, the more I end up being suffocated with people who want to know me. I don't want to know them. I think of them as psychic vampires. They terrify me. So, the bottom line is that I feel wonderful with the natural flow of nature and I feel right in belonging to it...I will never be a wall street broker.
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