Triggers

[forgetmenot]

I am pushing myself to be involved more with family going on walks with daughter not locking myself in this room. My husband ask me to go take my daughter to her friends at first no then i said yes. I didn't know we would be going through the place where my brother oh did what he did. Driving past he hospital the house just whoa the pain comes on so quickly the pictures the memories they are so real still. I breathed slow real slow my husband didn't even know what i was going through just noticed i was agitated a bit. told him i was tired needed to get home I thought i was all over this as i did talk with therapist about it before but after going through that town again it just brought eveything back dam it. Not just with his dying but with my daughters attempts emergency everything even my past come back with one trigger it is like it just start an avalanche again. I am breathing thats all i can do is breath and take myself outside where the cold air seems to keep me present this will all end in time it will.

 

[Murray]

Oh Violet, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Triggers are the darnedest things aren't they? Sometimes all it takes is a smell or sound and all of this "stuff" just comes crashing back. It is great that you were able to focus on your breathing and going outside in the cold is good too. Maybe when you see your therapist again you should talk about this some more. Even though you said you did talk about it before, for something this traumatic you probably need to talk about it some more. Do you have an appointment soon?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That's rough, Violet.

Breathing is good. Slow even breathing....

 

[forgetmenot]

funny when i do breathing with my therapist he is able to get the pain to go away in my chest. I must do it wrong because i can never get the pain to go fully away I still have it some
I know it is just anxiety but dam it it hurts I see my therapist on tuesday again i am glad i booked an early appt he will get the chest pain to go away. I stayed on 10mg with the meds i am not as groggy so no more falls anyway I just need to get warm bath now and hopefully the pain will go away while i sleep.

 

[SoSo]

Sorry things are so hard for you right now, triggers, been there done that, no fun. Hope it gets easier with the help of your T and time.
:support:SoSo

 

[Murray]

Violet, I hope that you are feeling better today and aren't in so much pain. Hopefully your bath helped you relax and feel better. I see that you have an appointment Tuesday, that is great. Take care until then.

 

[forgetmenot]

I don't know i think why even bother, i am so tired everything is so overwhelming even my job so much stress. i love my job but when you are forced to work short staff oh i just can't seem to get out of this sadness and i have tried. I even feel bad keeping my therapist so late tomorrow i shouldn't be doing this. i should be able to just function just move on. He has a family to get home to. maybe i should just stay in bed tomorrow rebook in two weeks i don't know, i have to see how much energy i have i am so tired god. The pain im my chest is finally gone took 2 days to leave but it is gone. i think i need to just sleep now. I have a few days off work so that is one less stressor anyways

 

[Domo]

If he has agreed to see you then go to your appointment. He wouldn't have made the commitment to you if he was not prepared to stay back.

Make sure you take some time out for yourself over the next few days.

 

[Murray]

I definitely agree with Domo, you should go to your appointment tomorrow. There is no need for you to feel badly about him working late, he would not have made the appointment if it was a problem. I am glad that you have some time off to relax and take care of yourself. I am so glad that the pain in your chest is gone, that must have been horrible. Get some rest, take care.

 

[forgetmenot]

thanks i will see how i feel tomorrow he said i could cancel if i needed to even up to the day of the appt. I hope tomorrow ihave more energy things will get better right they will

 

[Banned]

Sorry things are rough, Violet. I agree you should keep your appointment tomorrow. Don't worry about his schedule - he's a big boy and can decide when he needs to go home each day.

Have that nice hot bath, a cup of tea (peppermint is yummy), and enjoy your couple days off.

 

[forgetmenot]

I went to the appointment dealt with the triggers disassociated again oh left more positive then i get home god i hate this place now as i said it is not a home anymore not for me.
My daughter brings alcohol into my home drinking god i just wanted to hurt her but didnt' was told by husband to give her back the booze i wanted to thorw it out. told to give it back christ it is my house but no she gets to drink here she ohoh i don't want to be here It is not even worth going to therapy anymore as nothing is going to change here nothing and i just have to accept that and live with it or throw her out and i can 't throw her out i just can't so again it is my problem as i choose to let her stay and her father chooses to let her do what she pleases It doesn't matter i will just exist until something happens thats all i can do.

 

[Domo]

Don't quit therapy, Violet. If your situation at home won't change at least learn from your therapist about how to cope.

Does your husband get involved in any of the therapy? Sounds like you both have opposing views regarding your daughter.

 

[forgetmenot]

my husband has always taken my daughters side always so be it. he just wants peace he just wants peace so give in to her i try set boundaries i do but there not working she laughs god it hurts when she laughs because she knows how much it hurts me but it is as if my daughter is not there anymore she is someone else and she laughs at my pain and i have toleave because i don't want to get angry i don't want to hurt anyone so i lock myself in a dam room and i stay there i just stay there like i always use too. i can't do anything i never could. therapy has taught me that i have done all i can for her i just have no where else to go. why her not her too.

 

[Murray]

Violet, I am so sorry. You sound like you are in such pain right now. I wish that I knew something to say to make you feel better. I would definitely not give up on therapy, he can help you deal with all of the issues that you are facing. I understand you husband wanting to keep the peace, but you guys need to present a united front for your daughter. Does he know how you feel and that it isn't in your daughter's best interest to just give in to her about everything?

I am so sorry that she hurts you like that. Is she different when she drinks or is she mean to you other times?

Please take care and don't blame yourself for getting angry, you have a right to get angry about what is going on.

 

[forgetmenot]

He knows how i feel he just doesn't want her running off and doing herself in like always she is very cruel when she drinks god she is so cruel it is like she has no feelings she is not my daughter she is cruel my daughter is not cruel oh god i wanted to just hurt her but i know it is not her i know she becomes someone else so cruel evil she is lost i don't know how to reach her then i have to run i get frightened because she triggers me and i have to run so i don't hurt her He never stands up he says i am weak he is weak he gives in to her i wanted to throw it out he said it is better for her to drink here at least she is not in the bars. i hate this funny i wanted to just it doesn't matter she is just like my brother the one that comitted suicide she has all the same traits i don't hold much hope now. she doesn't want to do anything to help herself i will continue to try but i am coming to the end of the rope and i am so tired but it is not about me get it it is about her and i will find a way to get her help somehow it will happen she will dam it get better.

 

[Murray]

Wasn't your daughter in a program pretty recently? Can she go back for a while or is there any other resource in your area to help? There is always hope Violet, it is really hard, but you can't give up hope. You do need to take care of your needs though, you have to keep yourself safe and do what is best for you.

I am sorry that she is so cruel. It is amazing how people's personalities can change so drastically when under the influence of alcohol or drugs. I don't think that they mean to be so hurtful, but they often are. That certainly doesn't make it any easier to take, however. It still hurts so much. I really feel for you Violet. Just know that we all care for you so much.

 

[forgetmenot]

funny i should be use to this pain it is not nothing i haven't felt before I think i am just tired i won't give up yet somehow i will get her well somehow if it takes every inch of energy i have i will do it. She is my daughter and i know my heather is kind is caring so loving i know her. There has to be a way there is always a way i am a fighter i can do this i will fight for her until she can fight for herself this to will pass oh god just give me a break will you just a little break please. sorry me ranting thanks Murray for caring and others i know someday i will have to surrender thanks for caring and i am so happy for you Murray stay strong okay.

 

[Murray]

As you have told me many times Violet, you don't ever need to apologize for ranting here. You need to let it out and this is a safe place to do that.

I don't know if you can really get used to pain, I don't know if you should either. I feel like you can become sort of numb to it, or dissociate from it, but I don't think you truly get used to it. Maybe I am wrong. I do think that since you are such a caring and compassionate person that you probably suffer more when others hurt you. Since you expend so much of yourself in taking care of others, you don't always leave enough energy to really take care of yourself. I think it leaves you vulnerable to being even more hurt by those that you love. (Sorry, as usual that probably didn't make any sense. I know what I am trying to say, but it isn't coming out right).

I do wish that there was a way to get your husband on the same page as you as far as you daughter is concerned. It would probably make things a lot easier for you and feeling like your spouse is on your side is always a big help. As Domo asked, could your husband go with you to therapy sometime to try to work on a strategy to work together to give your daughter (and you) the help you guys need?

 

[forgetmenot]

No he won't go but thats okay i don't want his help i am very sensitive that is part of the problem i guess. He shuts it all out he doesn't feel it like i do He is in denial too she will grow out of it yeh right hun just like my brother did like my twin did its okay Thanks for the ideas and support somehow it willwork out have to breath now chest pain is here again so i think time for a bath and breathing slow I understand your post Murray thanks i do become numb sometimes to all of it It is just so unreal it is happening all over again god not again but i have lived through it before iwill again i alway do. thanks for everything okay i mean it everyones support thanks