I posted here back in November/early December, seeking help with depression.. I didn't stick around, for various external reasons, but since then things have been quite rough. I've started and stopped and started and stopped cutting (my psychiatrist says it was serious.. it didn't seem so bad to me), I missed three weeks of school, suicide talk.. etc. I'm doing a lot better now, being on Lexapro and Wellbutrin, and meeting with my psychologist (who I really, really trust) once a week.
Over the past few weeks, though, things have felt a lot worse again. I started picking at my wrist again- though not cutting, since all the sharps are still put away- and a friend who is aware of my problems noticed. We had a long talk, and I promised him that I would stop hurting myself. At the time, I really wanted to. I felt so desperate and trapped- both by my emotions, and by the act of harming myself- that it seemed a wonderful chance.
Now, two or three days later, I find myself desperately needing to cut. I've thought about it almost all day, even though I've been both social and in a relatively good mood. I catch myself touching scars and scabs constantly, since I promised not to make more. I also find myself beginning to think that I neither needed nor wanted to stop. My parents, of course, disapprove of my cutting- it worries them, and they tell me that it hurts them to think that I would do something "like that" to myself. My friends say similar things. I still feel a -need- to cut, though. Sometimes I find myself desperate, trapped, and unable to cry or write or even talk to express what I need to. At those times, I cut because it provides an outlet, like digging your fingernails into your forehead to distract yourself from a headache. At other times, I feel horribly numb, like none of what I'm doing or anyone's doing matters in any way, or ever has. Then, I cut because it brings me back to myself- it seems real.
Now, though, I don't have self-harm as an outlet in either of those situations. I said I'd try to write or talk or draw to express it, but I find I can't even pick up a pencil. I just -need- to hurt myself. Really, desperately need it. I've thought about it all day, despite the fact that I've been in a decently good mood- I don't want to think about how strong the urge will be on a day when I'm really depressed.
So, my question. Am I really ready to stop? If I'm not, is it ok to continue, since I feel so strongly that I need it? If I am, how do I overcome these urges? Online conversation isn't real enough, and I usually can't put words together to call someone. I can't seem to write, because whenever I come back to what I've written a day or two later, it seems foolish and worthless, which only makes me feel worse. I did dismantle a teddy bear at one point during the school year, since I was having trouble with picking constantly during class, but it only worked as something to occupy my hands, rather than a real distractor for my mind. I'm having trouble with ideas.
I'm really sorry for coming back after all this time, never having helped anyone, to whine and beg for help again. I know I'm too worthless to deserve the sort of help this forum usually gives.. I am just so afraid of falling back into the state I was in this past winter. I should be happy- I'm going to a wonderful college, my parents love me, I have special trips to go on for various activities over the summer, I have friends I love to spend time with.. None of it seems to matter, though. I still want to hurt myself, and I know I would deserve all of the punishment I'd get from it, and none of the relief, though it's the relief I really want. I'm so sorry to bother you. I just feel like I'm at the end of my rope again.
-K
Over the past few weeks, though, things have felt a lot worse again. I started picking at my wrist again- though not cutting, since all the sharps are still put away- and a friend who is aware of my problems noticed. We had a long talk, and I promised him that I would stop hurting myself. At the time, I really wanted to. I felt so desperate and trapped- both by my emotions, and by the act of harming myself- that it seemed a wonderful chance.
Now, two or three days later, I find myself desperately needing to cut. I've thought about it almost all day, even though I've been both social and in a relatively good mood. I catch myself touching scars and scabs constantly, since I promised not to make more. I also find myself beginning to think that I neither needed nor wanted to stop. My parents, of course, disapprove of my cutting- it worries them, and they tell me that it hurts them to think that I would do something "like that" to myself. My friends say similar things. I still feel a -need- to cut, though. Sometimes I find myself desperate, trapped, and unable to cry or write or even talk to express what I need to. At those times, I cut because it provides an outlet, like digging your fingernails into your forehead to distract yourself from a headache. At other times, I feel horribly numb, like none of what I'm doing or anyone's doing matters in any way, or ever has. Then, I cut because it brings me back to myself- it seems real.
Now, though, I don't have self-harm as an outlet in either of those situations. I said I'd try to write or talk or draw to express it, but I find I can't even pick up a pencil. I just -need- to hurt myself. Really, desperately need it. I've thought about it all day, despite the fact that I've been in a decently good mood- I don't want to think about how strong the urge will be on a day when I'm really depressed.
So, my question. Am I really ready to stop? If I'm not, is it ok to continue, since I feel so strongly that I need it? If I am, how do I overcome these urges? Online conversation isn't real enough, and I usually can't put words together to call someone. I can't seem to write, because whenever I come back to what I've written a day or two later, it seems foolish and worthless, which only makes me feel worse. I did dismantle a teddy bear at one point during the school year, since I was having trouble with picking constantly during class, but it only worked as something to occupy my hands, rather than a real distractor for my mind. I'm having trouble with ideas.
I'm really sorry for coming back after all this time, never having helped anyone, to whine and beg for help again. I know I'm too worthless to deserve the sort of help this forum usually gives.. I am just so afraid of falling back into the state I was in this past winter. I should be happy- I'm going to a wonderful college, my parents love me, I have special trips to go on for various activities over the summer, I have friends I love to spend time with.. None of it seems to matter, though. I still want to hurt myself, and I know I would deserve all of the punishment I'd get from it, and none of the relief, though it's the relief I really want. I'm so sorry to bother you. I just feel like I'm at the end of my rope again.
-K