I'm not sure what to really call this, but it seems like self-hate I guess. This might sound like a little bit of a ramble, but I'll try to give you a good picture of my upbringing. I'm trying to find some good ways to improve my self esteem and overall mental attitude.
I'm the first born child out of my generation (cousins and siblings), so all eyes have been on me, so to speak, as far as doing well. I was never physically abused or anything, but sometimes my dad was a little overbearing. When I started getting a little older (around 9 or so) and getting more serious into sports, it became even more so. I was always expected to get all A's or at least all A's and B's and to be the best or one of the best players on whatever athletic team I was on. I was driven very hard, and I would really get down on myself if I ever messed anything up. I had trouble letting go if I couldn't do something well fairly soon after I started trying it. Sometimes my dad would lose his temper with me if I didn't do well. My parents always argued a lot and ended up getting divorced when I was 13. After the divorce, my dad kind of checked out, so I basically had to be the parent to my two younger brothers whenever we were with him (about half of the time). About a year or so after the divorce, my dad kind of started to lose it. He would randomly lose his temper with me and guilt trip me over small or completely made up things even though I was essentially a "stepford son". He was acting irresponsibly and doing random things like sleeping all day and randomly waking my brothers and I up in the middle of the night on a school night to help remodel the bathroom, which made my late middle school and high school years pretty chaotic and stressful. I ended up getting an ROTC scholarship to a good school and recently graduated. I am still very close with my mom and younger brothers, and I have civil but very limited contact with my dad. I have a good sense of humor and can laugh a lot of things off, but I still beat myself up inside sometimes. I was always able to make friends easily but pretty shy until I warm up to people, and I am still really shy just going up and talking to girls or talking to them about being more than just friends. I know I am above average/gifted intelligence (from tests), and I think that I am decently attractive except for being short (5' 6"), which I hate.
I was a lot happier in college, when I got away from home, but I am still an extreme perfectionist. I get ****ed at myself sometimes if I can't do something well, especially if some of my peers can. Occasionally I lose my temper, usually at myself. I hold myself to a very high standard and beat myself up inside of I screw up (for instance, I put an extra 25 lbs in my rucksack for a footmarch two days ago, but then fell out of the group because of it, which looks bad, and I am still REALLY ****ed at myself about it). I am and try to be humble person and will rarely admit that I do anything well and don't brag because I can stand people who are full of themselves. I try to focus on what I need to fix or do next instead of revel in what I have done, but I also have trouble keeping a positive attitude about myself. It effects me when I am in a leadership position and second guess/doubt myself. I think a lot of times I mess up because I am not confident enough in my abilities. It also makes me look bad to my peers if I am not confident, and peer opinions are very important in my line of work.
Hopefully that can paint a clear enough picture for ya'll about my "issues". If you want to know anything else just ask. I want to fix my mental outlook and confidence before winter time. I will most likely be going to Ranger School in the winter, and a huge part of getting through that is having the right mental outlook/attitude. I am just in training right now, but I still have leadership positions in training, and I will be at my unit soon enough, so I need to fix my confidence and self esteem problems before then. I will be a new LT and all of the platoon's eyes will be on me and judging me from day 1, so I need to be confident and effective so I can do the best job that I can do. I am also not on the verge of a breakdown or anything, so please don't go raising hell and telling me I shouldn't be in the military because I'm crazy. I just want to improve my job performance and quality of life, I'm not about to lose it or anything. Anyway, sorry for the rant and thank you for your time.
Thanks,
Crispy
I'm the first born child out of my generation (cousins and siblings), so all eyes have been on me, so to speak, as far as doing well. I was never physically abused or anything, but sometimes my dad was a little overbearing. When I started getting a little older (around 9 or so) and getting more serious into sports, it became even more so. I was always expected to get all A's or at least all A's and B's and to be the best or one of the best players on whatever athletic team I was on. I was driven very hard, and I would really get down on myself if I ever messed anything up. I had trouble letting go if I couldn't do something well fairly soon after I started trying it. Sometimes my dad would lose his temper with me if I didn't do well. My parents always argued a lot and ended up getting divorced when I was 13. After the divorce, my dad kind of checked out, so I basically had to be the parent to my two younger brothers whenever we were with him (about half of the time). About a year or so after the divorce, my dad kind of started to lose it. He would randomly lose his temper with me and guilt trip me over small or completely made up things even though I was essentially a "stepford son". He was acting irresponsibly and doing random things like sleeping all day and randomly waking my brothers and I up in the middle of the night on a school night to help remodel the bathroom, which made my late middle school and high school years pretty chaotic and stressful. I ended up getting an ROTC scholarship to a good school and recently graduated. I am still very close with my mom and younger brothers, and I have civil but very limited contact with my dad. I have a good sense of humor and can laugh a lot of things off, but I still beat myself up inside sometimes. I was always able to make friends easily but pretty shy until I warm up to people, and I am still really shy just going up and talking to girls or talking to them about being more than just friends. I know I am above average/gifted intelligence (from tests), and I think that I am decently attractive except for being short (5' 6"), which I hate.
I was a lot happier in college, when I got away from home, but I am still an extreme perfectionist. I get ****ed at myself sometimes if I can't do something well, especially if some of my peers can. Occasionally I lose my temper, usually at myself. I hold myself to a very high standard and beat myself up inside of I screw up (for instance, I put an extra 25 lbs in my rucksack for a footmarch two days ago, but then fell out of the group because of it, which looks bad, and I am still REALLY ****ed at myself about it). I am and try to be humble person and will rarely admit that I do anything well and don't brag because I can stand people who are full of themselves. I try to focus on what I need to fix or do next instead of revel in what I have done, but I also have trouble keeping a positive attitude about myself. It effects me when I am in a leadership position and second guess/doubt myself. I think a lot of times I mess up because I am not confident enough in my abilities. It also makes me look bad to my peers if I am not confident, and peer opinions are very important in my line of work.
Hopefully that can paint a clear enough picture for ya'll about my "issues". If you want to know anything else just ask. I want to fix my mental outlook and confidence before winter time. I will most likely be going to Ranger School in the winter, and a huge part of getting through that is having the right mental outlook/attitude. I am just in training right now, but I still have leadership positions in training, and I will be at my unit soon enough, so I need to fix my confidence and self esteem problems before then. I will be a new LT and all of the platoon's eyes will be on me and judging me from day 1, so I need to be confident and effective so I can do the best job that I can do. I am also not on the verge of a breakdown or anything, so please don't go raising hell and telling me I shouldn't be in the military because I'm crazy. I just want to improve my job performance and quality of life, I'm not about to lose it or anything. Anyway, sorry for the rant and thank you for your time.
Thanks,
Crispy
