What right do I have to feel this way?

[Eunoia]

I've been wondering about this since all this time... and I don't know who else to talk to about this. About 3 yrs ago someone I knew (this was back in high school) comitted suicide (a yr after he had gradded)... it was absolutely horrible... it felt like every grade fell apart (he had sibs and a g/f and friends in diff. grades). I had known him since many years but we were never friends or anything. I did have friends however who had been friends w/ him... he was an amazing person though... he had the greatest smile and he was so loving and caring and just the kind of person you would want to know and be friends with. He was full of energy and creativity and seriously, his smile lid up a room. I guess those that weren't close to him didn't really know what was going on until afterwards. Councellors were there for his friends etc... and I felt like I was dying inside... b/c suicide seemed like a topic so close to me... I had def. considered it... and my sister has been/ is at that stage too.... and noone knew though... and it just seemed like shit, this stuff really happens.... and my friends had no idea... and so I kept it all inside and I find myself now, 3 yrs later, crying b/c I feel like I never really had a chance to grieve.... b/c I felt like I didn't have the right to. His friends and family were in so much pain, who was I to be upset as well??? I just didn't feel like it was right... and noone knew about how things were anyways, so I couldn't really justify being that upset. I feel like I should have done something... and I feel so helpless.... I can't even tell you how this affected me.... and I know he had no way of knowing how many lives he touched.... and the saddest thing is, a lot of people didn't understand... and even though it brought so much sadness, I don't think anyone has the right to be mad at him... And I am so thankful for habving known him....
I just wonder sometimes, when the time comes when he died etc., why it had to be like that? And I feel so alone... and I can't talk to anyone about it. People expect you to "get over" things like this... and they don't understand how someone could have done this or why you would be upset over it. But, hell.... here I am all this time afterwards and I am as lost as I was then. Is it normal to still feel this much pain??? Is it justificable if I was never friends w/ him really??? What right do I have???

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You don't need a "right" to feel compassion, to grieve, to mourn the loss of someone or the manner of his death -- it's not a question of "right" -- it's a question of simple humanity.

 

[ThatLady]

People have different ways of grieving, and different time frames for the process of grieving. There is no right or wrong, as Dr. Baxter said. It sounds like this is the time for you to finish the grieving process and put it behind you. That's what you're doing, hon. You're crying it out.

 

[Jon]

I know how you feel as I've been there myself. A kid in my high school commited suicide our junior year. He was a really popular kid that everyone liked & had so much going for him... His death affected many people just as you describe. Suicide affects more people than the person committing it ever realizes.

I too was suicidal years ago and once I found help I still carried the feelings of my friends suicide and my own attempts for years. It is now about fifteen years since my friends suicide and I still feel it.

The difference today is that I am now a survivor and more. It took me years to get to the point where I could talk about it, but that is where the healing begins. Now I have volunteered with a national suicide prevention organization to help teach about suicide, how to recognize symptoms, etc. By taking my painful feelings and turning them around, I am now able to help others to begin the healing process. I'm glad you decided to talk about it. Suicide is one of those hush hush topics that really shouldn't be. People should talk about its affects more openly so that others can recognize the symptoms and get help before it is too late.

Don't feel ashamed that you still feel the pain. Just be open about it.

Jon