What to do?

[Ashley-Kate]

odly enough my psychologist the other day had to remind me that my eating disorder is not a person or a living thing, he felt the need to do so because i was talking about losing it and worried i would lose it, and yet i never mentionned my fear of losing actual people in my life my family or my friends or even my boyfriend he felt that i was extremly protective of my disorder as if i had to have it to feel safe and that only it could give me that sence of security.i have relapse in the last couple of weeks and this relapse is putting my health at risk i have been looking into long terme in-patient treatments as my vital signs drop lower and the question that remains is am i ready to really invest in a treatment of that intensity.. and i really don't know i am scared

 

[Always Changing]

is putting my health at risk i have been looking into long terme in-patient treatments as my vital signs drop lower and the question that remains is am i ready to really invest in a treatment of that intensity..

Question that comes to mind is.. What or is there an the alternative?? If you don't invest, are you in danger of dying?

 

[Banned]

I agree with AC - it doesn't sound like you have a lot of options, and you really need to strongly consider making this investment.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

at the moment the risk of the anorexia killing me is present but not enough to be forced into hospital my vitals are low but have remained stable for the past 2 weeks. If i continue the way i am going the psychologist feels my thinking process will be even more affected and my desire to get help will diminish. At the moment there is also the depression and the lack of interest that is causing me to not want to fight for anything and simply let myself go. I realize i am young to many of you and i realize that my youth makes people question how i can not fight how i can give up so easily and i feel bad to do so but the truth is i am not giving up easy had i given up easy I would have stopped fighting years ago. After 13 years of struggling 10 years of being hospitalised over and over again i think it is safe to say i tried to fight it but we reach a point were we doubt that it is a fight we can win. I may say yes to the treatment but how long will it last for how much time will i be better or will it simply be for show for everyone elses peace of mind. My boyfriend informed me earlier today that he is bringing me to the clinic tomorrow again because I am covered in bruises after simply going out for a walk or leaning on a table simple contact with a hard oject make my body bruise. he is worried, I understand the worry but i can't really feel it I am going because he needs me to fight and to show some will yet i feel so tired.

 

[Always Changing]

At the moment there is also the depression and the lack of interest that is causing me to not want to fight for anything and simply let myself go.

Could this be THE time when it is time to let your self go into the hospital and make this investment. This does not mean you are giving up, it means you are taking the time to rest, to allow others (your doctors, b/f etc) to help you fight the fight. They want to do this with you, for you.

Maybe your decision making process is already affected. I think from what you wrote above Ashley, that you are too exhausted, too tired to think straight.

but we reach a point were we doubt that it is a fight we can win.

an example of distorted thinking??

If i continue the way i am going the psychologist feels my thinking process will be even more affected and my desire to get help will diminish.

I urge you to Listen to your desire to get help.. listen to your b/f, listen to your doctors, they are supporting you, thinking straight for you at times, where you cannot because of where you are at.

You are a fighter Ashley.. but even fighters have to rest. If you can think of this support and the Investment, as tools in your toolbox that you can use to help you keep the fight going, for you, (no one else!) it may not be so hard to consider.


:hug:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

I decided to go to an extra group every week for eating disorders so i go 2 times a week now, it is really helpfull and well i feel it is a place that i can cry and it's not a problem and i feel safe and well received. I realised that i am a lot younger than many of the people attending those groups although sometimes it gets aggravating to be told that i am so young sometimes it is also helpful to have woman there who know what it's like to be me and to be were i am now. I am going to discuss with my therapist next monday about any other alternatives rather than hospitalisation

 

[Into The Light]

good stuff ashley-kate, i hope things get better for you soon :goodjob:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

I haven't been on in a while so i thought i would let you all know what is going on. I have been really busy lately i started working a bit more and i am going to the extra group every week now and i really like the dynamic of that group rather than the one i was already going to it is very insightful. My eating disorder is still quite present and very strong, the main alternative that my psychologist sees is hospitalization yet i am not ready to chose that option i don't think i am at the point were i need to be hospitalized if i ever do reach that point. I had to get some blood test this morning because i have been sick and very week and i passed out at work but i think all should be good i just got up to fast and felt dizzy nothing too alarming. I am trying to diminish the exercising slowly as to try to gain control over the e-d yet that is really hard. it's as if this little voice in my head really doesn't like me.. I feel like some puppet in this hole thing the anorexia says jump i say how high. I feel i have in some ways stopped fighting against the demands of the eating disorder as to have some peace of mind and not feel miserable so that probably explains it's greater presence in my life. I don't know what to do but i hope that one day i will reach a point that i will have had enough. anyway thank you all for your presence these past weeks

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Just remember, you aren't a puppet. Remind yourself that voice in your head is a part of you and can be controlled by you. It isn't a person, it can't threaten you, it can't take anything away from you, and it has no power over you unless you believe it does.

It sounds like you are making a great effort, so keep up the good work.

 

[suewatters1]

Read this you might enjoy it
Personal Bill of Rights
Personal Bill of Rights

Every man, woman, and child has the following rights by virtue of the fact that they exist.
These are reasonable and ordinary expectations, which create appropriate boundaries.

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I have the right to make my own choices.

I have the right to follow my own values and standards,
as long as I am not abusive towards others.

I have a right to dignity and respect.

I have a right to all of my feelings.

I have a right to express myself as long as
I am not abusive toward others.

I have a right to determine and honor my own priorities.

I have a right to recognize and accept my own value system as appropriate.

I have a right to have my needs and wants respected by others.

I have the right to say no when I feel I am not ready, unsafe,
or that it violates my values (this goes for kids too...they have
the right to say "no" to their parents)

I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.

I have the right not to be responsible for others behavior,
actions, feelings or problems.

I have a right to be uniquely me, without feeling I'm not good enough.

I have the right to make decisions based on my
feelings and judgment for any reason.

I have the right to change my mind at any time.

I have the right to my personal space and time needs.

I have the right to be flexible and be comfortable with doing so.

I have the right to be in a safe, non-abusive environment.

I have the right to forgive others and forgive myself.

I have the right to give and receive unconditional love.

I have the right to enjoy being sexual and celebrate my sexuality.

I have the right to my own spiritual beliefs and to celebrate them.

I have the right to grieve when I don't get what I need.

I have the right to grieve when I get something I didn't need or want.

I have the right to joyfully receive without feeling guilty.

I have a right to healthy relationships of my choice.

I have the right to be angry with someone I love.

I can take care of myself, no matter what.

I have the right to be, and can be, healthier than those around me.

I have the right to trust others who earn my trust.

I have the right to terminate conversations for any reason.

It is OK to be relaxed, playful and frivolous.

I have a right to expect honesty from others.

I have the right to change and grow.

I have the right to follow my own path.

I have the right to be happy.​

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