What to share with family?

[sweetsoleil]

Im just wondering how you let family members know that you are struggling with a mental illness? Or do you?

I am now living with my father who is fighting his own health issues (physical). For us, this is a new relationship as we both were very distant with each other for most of our lives. (hes 70 now) . He also was a world traveller so had often been far far away.

He will invite me out for dinner or shopping etc and I always decline with some kind reason as to why i can't go. THe truth is, im scared to tell him the extent of my anxiety and agoraphobia. He says things like "oh there isnt a thing wrong with you, come on...lets get out and do something"...or worse, "have a rye and coke and youll be fine" (he also doesnt know ive been sober for 5 years and how hard that was for me to quit using alcohol ). Im also worried he will blame himself for my problems since he was a neglectful parent after my mother died when i was very young. (he likely suffers from PTSD )

I feel embarrassed that life is hard for me. My dad also just spent the past month making a memory wall in one of his rooms. This involved cutting and pasting photos directly onto the wall in a huge collage..it looks awesome....minus the pictures he added of past abusers from when i was a child. I am sure he didnt put them up there to hurt me, i honestly think he just didnt think (and some are family members or ex-family members). I dont want to hurt his feelings and mention it, but i really dont like going downstairs to that room. I put tape over one picture and removed it out of fear the next day..he hadnt even noticed.

Im not a child anymore, is it necessary to let my dad know about my mental issues? I tend to avoid him sometimes because i dont like letting him down and not doing what he says (like going out for dinner etc) as i get older, i dont want to avoid him anymore...and i really dont like being dishonest at all

I also wonder how much my children need to know about things like this...they obviously know i dont go out like most people do, and my daughter who is 11 also has panic attacks and she knows i do as well...but these issues have been such a deep secret for me for many many years and im just now wondering how to deal with things like this. Im used to living alone and not having any family in my life so i want to do it right

any opinion is appreciated

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[Cat Dancer]

Re: what to share with family?

Most of mine know simply because what I've struggled with has been obvious, like anorexia and self harming, but if it were up to me I would not have it that way. But if you think your dad would be supportive I would let him know some of it. Maybe this is something you could discuss with a therapist once you find one?

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: what to share with family?

That difficult hun do you have a therapist that you can discuss this with. There are pros and cons to each side here keeping silent and telling It is your choice to make and what ever makes you life easier go with that i think

 

[sweetsoleil]

Re: what to share with family?

Thank you cat dancer for sharing...ya i think id prefer to keep it to myself, but now that i live with him its hard to keep up acting "normal" when i have really obvious not-so-normal days...maybe hes ill too and doesnt even notice when im having an off day

Good advice forgetmenot...maybe ill wait until I find a therapist, which i have set up for the end of the summer at Whitby Shores..i dont want to say too much becuase i know what i say i cant take back later. The easiest for me has always been to avoid....so i can keep going on that for now

thank you both for responding, i hope you are both doing well today

 

[adaptive1]

My personal thought is why not tell him as much as you are comfortable with, there is no shame in it and maybe you could get some support. Or you could just say you have some anxiety and you are working through it. And I bet your daughter would be happy to hear she is not alone.

However, this could be me projecting what I wish I could say. I don't have the same issues but I do have anxiety issues and I haven't discussed with my family. I wish my mother and I could have had some honest talks about the anxiety she had, it would have been nice to get it out in the open.

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[Banned]

I started talking to my mom about my issues to the extent I was comfortable. I knew she couldnt understand without knowing. I did it in casual conversation, acting like she knew all along. For example, I didn't sit down and tell her I have a psychiatrist and this is my diagnosis and this is my life. I would say something like "well maybe these meds will help" and she'd ask what I had meds for and then I'd tell her. I also sent her Internet links to things associated with where I was at. That way she knew where I was at and what was going on but also understood I didn't want to talk about it with her. When I was cutting she knew because it was very obvious but knew not to ask questions. I live with my mom too and we are really close but this was one area I didn't want to allow her in to fully but wanted to give her enough to understand me a bit more.

Not sure if that helps. As an adult you don't have to divulge anything but you may find it helps the stress but divulging just a bit.

 

[sweetsoleil]

thank you turtle, that does help! I think my dad knows some things too and just doesnt want to ask.. that, and sometimes i think he is in denial about things from the past so blocks some of it out and trys hard to forget.
i hope you have a great day, thanks for responding