When is it simply too late?

[Ashley-Kate]

I can't do this anymore. this hole living thing it seems pointless when i am simply prolonging the inevitable. By living i am simply remaining miserable, unhappy and i am affecting the people around me as well.

My mother just the other day asked me to stop talking to my sister because i am breaking her i am stressing her out and causing her to be more anxious and my mother fears i will destroy her. Out of all the people i could possibly harm my sister is the last person on earth i would hurt and being told i am hurting her made me feel like i was the worst person on earth.

I am not bringing any joy to anyone's life i am causing people to worry or even to panic and to feel helpless, my own doctor told me that i make him feel incompetent which in my case only made me feel even worst i used to be such a good patient i would fallow what the doctor said to do, i would be the perfect image of progress it was all to show that i was perfect but now faking is simply impossible, I walk into his office and start crying, and all he does to deal with that is suggest another appointment as soon as he sees that i am more emotional he flees. And now with my psychologist transferring me, him being the only psychologist that is truly aware about everything because he is probably the only one i actually trusted, i am losing that and not only am i losing that i feel exposed to all psychologist that will see me to every treatment program i will go to after they will see it before i will even chose to tell them, and although that may be for the best i feel truly exposed. As soon as the transfer was official i fled as far as possible, therefore going exactly were i shouldn't go, my fathers. So i am going back home soon and i was hoping i would feel a bit better but it only made me more upset and i feel even more pathetic i am supposed to be a role model to my younger siblings but all i am is a mess, and i all want it to spare them my presence.

I feel horrible about the way i am on this forum so useless, so pathetic, i feel like i am a waste of time. I say this somewhat expecting the comment that i am not and that i should keep on fighting but at the same time i realize that that is what people have to say because simply saying "yeah you're right you are annoying and get lost" would hardly be ethical. But the thing is Lately i read replies i see the hope that people seem to have in me and i find it frustrating and annoying because it's not there i would like to scream at everyone stop pretending that i am going to make it, it doesn't make me feel better but than i would feel bad. there is just so much going through my mind lately my thoughts are racing and i just want it all to shut down to stop i simply want to sleep and not wake up I don't want to fight the thoughts anymore the harder i fight the louder they get and i can't do it anymore.

sorry for being so pathetic.

 

[adaptive1]

Re: when is it simply too late?

You are not pathetic, you are not a waste of time. You deserve compassion from everyone and especially from yourself. What you are going through is hard and painful but I do not believe you will not get better. I know how you feel in a small way, I have to leave the program I am in too, and I feel like a failure because I didn't get better in the treatment program and they want me to focus on treating my OCD. I feel that sense of rejection too for having to go, I trusted my counsellor and i feel that loss of having to give that up and start over. I know it isn't because they think I am pathetic they just think other treatment is what I need. I am sure it is the same for you Ashley and I have no doubt you love your sisters and they understand. I don't think your mom is being fair personally, you need support too, so get it where you can and keep,fighting.

 

[Darkside]

I can't do this anymore. this hole living thing it seems pointless when i am simply prolonging the inevitable. By living i am simply remaining miserable, unhappy and i am affecting the people around me as well.

My mother just the other day asked me to stop talking to my sister because i am breaking her i am stressing her out and causing her to be more anxious and my mother fears i will destroy her. Out of all the people i could possibly harm my sister is the last person on earth i would hurt and being told i am hurting her made me feel like i was the worst person on earth.

I am not bringing any joy to anyone's life i am causing people to worry or even to panic and to feel helpless, my own doctor told me that i make him feel incompetent which in my case only made me feel even worst i used to be such a good patient i would fallow what the doctor said to do, i would be the perfect image of progress it was all to show that i was perfect but now faking is simply impossible, I walk into his office and start crying, and all he does to deal with that is suggest another appointment as soon as he sees that i am more emotional he flees. And now with my psychologist transferring me, him being the only psychologist that is truly aware about everything because he is probably the only one i actually trusted, i am losing that and not only am i losing that i feel exposed to all psychologist that will see me to every treatment program i will go to after they will see it before i will even chose to tell them, and although that may be for the best i feel truly exposed. As soon as the transfer was official i fled as far as possible, therefore going exactly were i shouldn't go, my fathers. So i am going back home soon and i was hoping i would feel a bit better but it only made me more upset and i feel even more pathetic i am supposed to be a role model to my younger siblings but all i am is a mess, and i all want it to spare them my presence.

I feel horrible about the way i am on this forum so useless, so pathetic, i feel like i am a waste of time. I say this somewhat expecting the comment that i am not and that i should keep on fighting but at the same time i realize that that is what people have to say because simply saying "yeah you're right you are annoying and get lost" would hardly be ethical. But the thing is Lately i read replies i see the hope that people seem to have in me and i find it frustrating and annoying because it's not there i would like to scream at everyone stop pretending that i am going to make it, it doesn't make me feel better but than i would feel bad. there is just so much going through my mind lately my thoughts are racing and i just want it all to shut down to stop i simply want to sleep and not wake up I don't want to fight the thoughts anymore the harder i fight the louder they get and i can't do it anymore.

sorry for being so pathetic.

If you isolate your "self" from these messages you would see that what you describe is not who you really are. Yeah, there may be smatterings of truth in there, but that's NOT the whole picture. Have mercy on yourself and forgive yourself ... and the people around you.

What I have begun to learn is this: if I don't forgive myself no one else will be able to. I can effectively lock myself out of empathy and forgiveness.

 

[Katieann]

"The more I fade away, the more they want me to stay....because those who love you, love the essential and core you...no matter about the part you consider "faded". Who knows - for some mysterious reason, maybe those undesirable aspects do have to be brought to the light and swept away. If the therapist and doctor is changing, that could be necessary too. They all have their strengths and weaknesses - and go through periods of exhaustion as they are real people to. And don't think that you would be the only reason for that. They have cranky spouses, debt...difficult children - whatever. Just let them get on with helping you with your process...

Changes and set-backs are temporary...even though at the time they feel mega...please be easier on yourself, since you are going through this shift...
Pictorially speaking... pull in your oars and just float for a bit, if rowing is too stressful. When the waves are not so choppy, you can continue again...

Sending warm wishes...

Katieann

 

[forgetmenot]

It is never too late hun never it is a simple as that. The fight it seems to go on forever i understand i do but ther is hope hun i know you don't believe it but there is
Others have been healed and so can you hugs

 

[Darkside]

I read something today and I think nowadays it applies to most of the world. In western cultures we are not taught how to feel. For whatever reason we just don't do "feel" very well. Add to that generations of this western style dysfunction and parents don't do a good job of relating emotionally to their children. In the worst case, really sick parents will insist that children feel the parent's feelings. (because they don't know how to feel either) As adults, these children have no damn idea how to feel or meet their own needs. They were too busy doing it for the adults around them.

No wonder we grow up anxious and depressed - and in some cases much worse. We don't know ourselves.

The good news is it is NEVER - I repeat NEVER, EVER too late to start.

When I was about 12-13 years old I rode with my father to the beach - about a 3 hour drive. We weren't out of town good before he started crying telling me all his problems. Here I was in the 7th grade and I had to let him lean on me. I can remember being absolutely bewildered, scared and confused. There went my childhood.