David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
When the Ties That Bind Unravel
By TARA PARKER-POPE, New York Times
May 3, 2010
Therapists for years have listened to patients blame parents for their problems. Now there is growing interest in the other side of the story: What about the suffering of parents who are estranged from their adult children?
While there are no official tallies of parents whose adult children have cut them off, there is no shortage of headlines. The Olympic gold medal skier Lindsey Vonn reportedly hasn?t spoken to her father in at least four years. The actor Jon Voight and his daughter, Angelina Jolie, were photographed together in February for the first time since they were estranged in 2002.
A number of Web sites and online chat rooms are devoted to the issue, with heartbreaking tales of children who refuse their parents? phone calls and e-mail and won?t let them see grandchildren. Some parents seek grief counseling, while others fall into depression and even contemplate suicide.
Joshua Coleman, a San Francisco psychologist who is an expert on parental estrangement, says it appears to be growing more and more common, even in families who haven?t experienced obvious cruelty or traumas like abuse and addiction. Instead, parents often report that a once-close relationship has deteriorated after a conflict over money, a boyfriend or built-up resentments about a parent?s divorce or remarriage.
?We live in a culture that assumes if there is an estrangement, the parents must have done something really terrible,? said Dr. Coleman, whose book When Parents Hurt? (William Morrow, 2007) focuses on estrangement. ?But this is not a story of adult children cutting off parents who made egregious mistakes. It?s about parents who were good parents, who made mistakes that were certainly within normal limits.?
Dr. Coleman himself experienced several years of estrangement with his adult daughter, with whom he has reconciled. Mending the relationship took time and a persistent effort by Dr. Coleman to stay in contact. It also meant listening to his daughter?s complaints and accepting responsibility for his mistakes. ?I tried to really get what her feelings were and tried to make amends and repair,? he said. ?Over the course of several years, it came back slowly.?
Not every parent is so successful. Debby Kintner of Somerville, Tenn., sought grief counseling after her adult daughter, and only child, ended their relationship. ?It hit me like a freight train,? she said. ?I sit down and comb through my memories and try to figure out which day was it that it went wrong. I don?t know.?
Ms. Kintner talks of life as a single parent, raising an honor student who insisted her mother accompany her on a class trip to London, a college student who made frequent calls and visits home. Things changed after her daughter began an on-again, off-again relationship with a boyfriend and moved back home after becoming pregnant. Arguments about her daughter?s decision to move in with the man and Ms. Kintner?s refusal to give her daughter a car eventually led to estrangement. She now has no contact with her daughter or three grandchildren.
"I knew parents and children had fights, but there was enough love to come back together,? Ms. Kintner said. ?This is your mother who gave you a nice life and loved you."
Judith, a mother in Augusta, Ga., who asked that her last name not be used, tells of a loving, creative daughter who experienced a turbulent adolescence. At college graduation, the parents were shocked when their daughter unleashed an angry tirade about her childhood. Later, the daughter asked for financial help paying for an Ivy League graduate school. The parents agreed, but a visit to see her on the East Coast was marred by another round of harsh words and accusations. They withdrew their financial support and returned home.
?I?ve done a lot of crying,? said Judith, who has sought therapy to cope. ?I?m very depressed. All the holidays are sad, and we don?t have any closure on this. She was so wanted. She was so loved. She still is loved. We want her in our life.?
Dr. Coleman says he believes parental estrangement is a ?silent epidemic,? because many parents are ashamed to admit they?ve lost contact with their children.
Often, he said, parents in these situations give up too soon. He advises them to continue weekly letters, e-mail messages or phone calls even when they are rejected, and to be generous in taking responsibility for their mistakes ? even if they did not seem like mistakes at the time.
After all, he went on, parents and children have very different perspectives. ?It?s possible for a parent to feel like they were doing something out of love,? he said, ?but it didn?t feel like love to that child.?
Friends, other family members and therapists can often help a parent cope with the loss of an estranged child. So can patience: reconciliation usually takes many conversations, not just one.
?When I was going through this, it was a gray cloud, a nightmare,? Dr. Coleman said. ?Don?t just assume if your child is rejecting you that that?s the end of the conversation. Parents have to be on a campaign to let the child know that they?re in it for the long haul.?
By TARA PARKER-POPE, New York Times
May 3, 2010
Therapists for years have listened to patients blame parents for their problems. Now there is growing interest in the other side of the story: What about the suffering of parents who are estranged from their adult children?
While there are no official tallies of parents whose adult children have cut them off, there is no shortage of headlines. The Olympic gold medal skier Lindsey Vonn reportedly hasn?t spoken to her father in at least four years. The actor Jon Voight and his daughter, Angelina Jolie, were photographed together in February for the first time since they were estranged in 2002.
A number of Web sites and online chat rooms are devoted to the issue, with heartbreaking tales of children who refuse their parents? phone calls and e-mail and won?t let them see grandchildren. Some parents seek grief counseling, while others fall into depression and even contemplate suicide.
Joshua Coleman, a San Francisco psychologist who is an expert on parental estrangement, says it appears to be growing more and more common, even in families who haven?t experienced obvious cruelty or traumas like abuse and addiction. Instead, parents often report that a once-close relationship has deteriorated after a conflict over money, a boyfriend or built-up resentments about a parent?s divorce or remarriage.
?We live in a culture that assumes if there is an estrangement, the parents must have done something really terrible,? said Dr. Coleman, whose book When Parents Hurt? (William Morrow, 2007) focuses on estrangement. ?But this is not a story of adult children cutting off parents who made egregious mistakes. It?s about parents who were good parents, who made mistakes that were certainly within normal limits.?
Dr. Coleman himself experienced several years of estrangement with his adult daughter, with whom he has reconciled. Mending the relationship took time and a persistent effort by Dr. Coleman to stay in contact. It also meant listening to his daughter?s complaints and accepting responsibility for his mistakes. ?I tried to really get what her feelings were and tried to make amends and repair,? he said. ?Over the course of several years, it came back slowly.?
Not every parent is so successful. Debby Kintner of Somerville, Tenn., sought grief counseling after her adult daughter, and only child, ended their relationship. ?It hit me like a freight train,? she said. ?I sit down and comb through my memories and try to figure out which day was it that it went wrong. I don?t know.?
Ms. Kintner talks of life as a single parent, raising an honor student who insisted her mother accompany her on a class trip to London, a college student who made frequent calls and visits home. Things changed after her daughter began an on-again, off-again relationship with a boyfriend and moved back home after becoming pregnant. Arguments about her daughter?s decision to move in with the man and Ms. Kintner?s refusal to give her daughter a car eventually led to estrangement. She now has no contact with her daughter or three grandchildren.
"I knew parents and children had fights, but there was enough love to come back together,? Ms. Kintner said. ?This is your mother who gave you a nice life and loved you."
Judith, a mother in Augusta, Ga., who asked that her last name not be used, tells of a loving, creative daughter who experienced a turbulent adolescence. At college graduation, the parents were shocked when their daughter unleashed an angry tirade about her childhood. Later, the daughter asked for financial help paying for an Ivy League graduate school. The parents agreed, but a visit to see her on the East Coast was marred by another round of harsh words and accusations. They withdrew their financial support and returned home.
?I?ve done a lot of crying,? said Judith, who has sought therapy to cope. ?I?m very depressed. All the holidays are sad, and we don?t have any closure on this. She was so wanted. She was so loved. She still is loved. We want her in our life.?
Dr. Coleman says he believes parental estrangement is a ?silent epidemic,? because many parents are ashamed to admit they?ve lost contact with their children.
Often, he said, parents in these situations give up too soon. He advises them to continue weekly letters, e-mail messages or phone calls even when they are rejected, and to be generous in taking responsibility for their mistakes ? even if they did not seem like mistakes at the time.
After all, he went on, parents and children have very different perspectives. ?It?s possible for a parent to feel like they were doing something out of love,? he said, ?but it didn?t feel like love to that child.?
Friends, other family members and therapists can often help a parent cope with the loss of an estranged child. So can patience: reconciliation usually takes many conversations, not just one.
?When I was going through this, it was a gray cloud, a nightmare,? Dr. Coleman said. ?Don?t just assume if your child is rejecting you that that?s the end of the conversation. Parents have to be on a campaign to let the child know that they?re in it for the long haul.?
