a_squared
Member
Hello everybody after a longish time of me not being here.
I was determined to post this so I turned a blind eye to all the "signs" telling me not to do this (first my account was inactive and then the server just crashes....). That is just one of my issues I didn't want to write about but that just got into my mind as worth mentioning: if I want to do sth and then something happens and I am unable to do it immediately, then I conclude it as a sign of not doing that thing, for it must be "wrong" and the sign is there to tell me that it cannot be of any good.
Anyway I will try to keep whatever remains from my sound logic and go on.
If any of you remember me, there was my first post about my erotomanic issue with a public person - see http://forum.psychlinks.ca/other-disorders/14591-erotomania-clerambault-syndrome.html - it's just for the intro if you want to know where I come from and the way I look at the things happening to me now.
For the last few months, I am living in an utter confusion. It seems as if I can't catch on with my own thoughts - my thoughts are like, racing so quick, that in my try to get them all out, speak them up, I forget about what I was about to tell - and more - I forget what I was telling about, which results in constant blocks and me stopping in the middle of my speach, looking blankly at the other person and lowering my head telling "eeeer... what I was talking about". Also, I have the feeling that "something is wrong with my long term memory". It seems sometimes that things are just "erased", I feel like others are making things up. Just few evenings ago, which really scared me and that is when I started to think about it all, is when I went to wash my teeth and stopped staring blankly at the toothbrushes, not being able to recognise which of them is mine. Last but not least, the world as I perceive it, seems like "changed", "different". It seems like not real, or that I am not part of it, as if I am looking at it through a dirty glass. Today I was sitting on the steps in front of my Faculty and was surprised that people didn't just fall upon me, that actually they were able to see me and pass beside me.
A friend of mine did notice my "flighty" attention, but said to me that maybe I am tired. Fact is, I am not tired, I am sleeping well, apart from some evening when I am like in an euforia, my heart starts beating and I am anxious about something. But those evenings are really rare and actually I don't feel tired.
Apart from all that, it seems like nothing can hurt me, that I have just been left empty of feelings. Occassionally I feel like "I am madly in love", but then it quickly just dissapears like it was never there or it was never real, just a concocture of my mind.
Sorry for the longish rant... I didn't know where to put it, I don't know in which section it belongs really. I would like to hear what you all think about it, am I exaggerating perhaps, maybe it's still nothing? Where is the line anyway, and how thin is it?
I was determined to post this so I turned a blind eye to all the "signs" telling me not to do this (first my account was inactive and then the server just crashes....). That is just one of my issues I didn't want to write about but that just got into my mind as worth mentioning: if I want to do sth and then something happens and I am unable to do it immediately, then I conclude it as a sign of not doing that thing, for it must be "wrong" and the sign is there to tell me that it cannot be of any good.
Anyway I will try to keep whatever remains from my sound logic and go on.
If any of you remember me, there was my first post about my erotomanic issue with a public person - see http://forum.psychlinks.ca/other-disorders/14591-erotomania-clerambault-syndrome.html - it's just for the intro if you want to know where I come from and the way I look at the things happening to me now.
For the last few months, I am living in an utter confusion. It seems as if I can't catch on with my own thoughts - my thoughts are like, racing so quick, that in my try to get them all out, speak them up, I forget about what I was about to tell - and more - I forget what I was telling about, which results in constant blocks and me stopping in the middle of my speach, looking blankly at the other person and lowering my head telling "eeeer... what I was talking about". Also, I have the feeling that "something is wrong with my long term memory". It seems sometimes that things are just "erased", I feel like others are making things up. Just few evenings ago, which really scared me and that is when I started to think about it all, is when I went to wash my teeth and stopped staring blankly at the toothbrushes, not being able to recognise which of them is mine. Last but not least, the world as I perceive it, seems like "changed", "different". It seems like not real, or that I am not part of it, as if I am looking at it through a dirty glass. Today I was sitting on the steps in front of my Faculty and was surprised that people didn't just fall upon me, that actually they were able to see me and pass beside me.
A friend of mine did notice my "flighty" attention, but said to me that maybe I am tired. Fact is, I am not tired, I am sleeping well, apart from some evening when I am like in an euforia, my heart starts beating and I am anxious about something. But those evenings are really rare and actually I don't feel tired.
Apart from all that, it seems like nothing can hurt me, that I have just been left empty of feelings. Occassionally I feel like "I am madly in love", but then it quickly just dissapears like it was never there or it was never real, just a concocture of my mind.
Sorry for the longish rant... I didn't know where to put it, I don't know in which section it belongs really. I would like to hear what you all think about it, am I exaggerating perhaps, maybe it's still nothing? Where is the line anyway, and how thin is it?
