Why do I still hold on?

[Sophie Cecile]

I feel terrible every day, yet somehow I manage to hold on.
I'd love to have suicide as a quick fix, but there's so much to think about it. I tried to kill myself in the summer to no avail, and the attempt just angered my mother.
She told me that I was trying to make her look like a bad parent and she yelled at me about how we had to sit in the hospital for hours waiting to be seen by a doctor.
How is this supposed to encourage me to live on?

I know my mum has good qualities, but her comments haunt me everyday.

What's the point of living if I drive everyone insane?
If I'm nothing but a spoiled brat?

I feel like I should be thankful for having a mum at all, but often I feel I'd be better off without her.
I know there must be a light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm stuck in the darkness. I don't know if I have the energy or will power to keep on living, but I don't want to hurt the rest of my family, or my friends.

My boat is sinking and I'm without a life jacket.

 

[Daniel E.]

we had to sit in the hospital for hours waiting to be seen by a doctor.

Are you getting any followup care, like seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist?

 

[Kathy R]

You hold on because you are a strong person. I have always kept the thought that suicide is the easy way out and the cowards way out. Stand up, face your problem, get help from a professional and then sit your Mom down and calmly explain what is going on with you. If you think that she will get angry or upset with you tell her that you have something to talk to her about and PLEASE listen and not interrupt you. Ask her for the respect that you deserve. If she can't give you that then consider if things would be better if you severed the relationship. I ran into this problem with both of my parents and now that I have cut off contact a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am free to really work on what is going on in my life and my home life with my husband and son.
Stay away from negative people and keep telling yourself you are a good person, a strong person and you deserve as much respect as the next person.

 

[Daniel E.]

I have always kept the thought that suicide is the easy way out and the cowards way out.

Just to clarify, that popular motto is based on a myth which may cause more harm than good: "This myth tries to avoid consideration of the true causes of suicide by attributing the behavior to a negative personality trait."

 

[Retired]

Sophie,

I am sorry to hear you are struggling at this time. Because your thoughts of suicide are so strong, your best advice would be to call the local crisis line ( 613) 238-3311 for support and advice.

I am glad you are reaching out, which is what you need to be doing.

She told me that I was trying to make her look like a bad parent and she yelled at me

Sophie, you are a young adult now and you need to understand your Mother's response to your crisis was inappropriate. It might be your Mum is dealing with her own pressures and was not thinking clearly when she said these terrible things to you, but as a young adult, you need to take charge of your own menatl health needs.

By taking charge, you need to identify and locate the resources that will give you the help and support you need and that will help keep you safe.

but I don't want to hurt the rest of my family, or my friends.

Sophie, continue to focus on your family and friends as these are your reasons for living.

If you have been seeing a doctor or therapist, call that person and tell them you are in distress. Otherwise go to the emergency department of the closest hospital, perhaps CHEO might be your best choice, and telll them you are having thoughts of suicide. Don't hesitate to use those exact words when talking to the people at the hospital.

Will you promise to keep yourself safe until you call the crisis hotline?

 

[Sophie Cecile]

Thanks everybody who answered my post for your suggestions.
The thing with my mum is that she doesn't really get other people or the importance of what they say.

You can be talking about the death of someone down the street and she'll laugh and start talking about how the dog ate a kleenex yesterday.
I often wish I could go live with my Aunt and Uncle who happen to be my godparents, but they live all the way in BC, and if I moved I'd essentially have to start over completely.
Maybe change is good, but I don't want to leave my dad behind.

From deciding what to eat for fear of being criticized to trying to decide whether to move across Canada life just seems overwhelming.