Working

[forgetmenot]

Went to doctors appt with my daughter and the doctor says get my daughter working She does not believe the long term addiction place i want to get my duaghter into will help. She feels getting her working and busy is better. My question is how will she be able to work if she is still using alcohol pot etc It doesn't make sense to me but hey. I got her to fill out a form to get work through ODSP support program so maybe she will get a job not so stessful and meet people her own age. If it doesn't work then go back to getting her treatment. To me is is like putting the cart before the horse. Now she does not want to go into treatment she want to get a job. I am afraid she will only be disappointed again when she fails as she has done in her other jobs. Why do this to her it doesn't make sense If the addiction place calls back on Wednesday i think she should get help first before any job position is taken

 

[Retired]

Violet,

I don't know if you have elaborated on your daughter's situation before, so I would ask a few questions to better understand.

How old is your daughter?
Has she ever been employed?
Is she currently receiving therapy and counseling for her addictions, and what is her attitude toward getting clean?
Does she want to get a job, to keep the job and to resume building her life?

 

[forgetmenot]

She is 21
-she has not worked for 3 years now only worked at coffee place sub place and grocery store part time and found it too stressful
-no she had addiction councilling it did not work The place i wanted to get her into will not accept her too many meds.
-She wants a job she wants independance but she does not want to get clean she still believes she can drink and do pot and maintain a job
-that is why i want her in therapy first before getting a job but i don't know maybe having a job will keep her busy and away from her addictions help her find better friends i don't know
-I have helped her fill out forms to get help for her to find a job with her disabilities that is all i can do for now it is what the doctor thinks is best who am i to question it
-if she fails then it will just be another set back to fix.

 

[Murray]

This situation is so hard Violet. It is so hard to know what is the right thing in this situation. A job could be great for her, maybe she would feel better about herself and gain confidence, be busier, make friends, have some positive experiences and learn some responsibility. As you said, though if it doesn't work out, it could just make things that much worse. I am so sorry that I have no helpful advice to give you. Have you expressed your concerns to the doctor and has he addressed them? It sounds like you are doing all you can to help your daughter in every way.

 

[forgetmenot]

Oh yes i expressed my concerns about her failing and about getting clean first. It is the doctors feeling she will not benefit from therapy so try it this way. I try to explain she needs therapy that is in lock down no privileges she needs long term therapy but this is hard to get with mental illness dual diagnosis. Realistically how can she succeed if she is using god it doesn't make sense. oh all that can be done is to try i suppose and pray for better outcome working is better than sitting at home i suppose but failure will only cause so much more damage. One thing at a time let her try thats all she can do is try.

 

[Domo]

Not that i have ever had experience with these issues but it kind of concerns me that i doctor would say that she would not benefit from therapy.

Are there no lock down facilities available for dual diagnosis? By this do you mean mental illness plus addiction?

To be honest i know people who drink and smoke weed and hold down jobs but i don't know how heavily your daughter uses and i mean it's obviously not the ideal situation to be in.

What kind of damage will failure cause?

(Sorry for the million questions, just trying to nderstand)

 

[forgetmenot]

The doctor says this because my daughter has gone for therapy and has shown absolutely no recovery for her addictions. I explained because she was not locked in she was using while in therapy. She needs a facility that will not permit her to leave the premises I am hoping to get her into stonehenge still as this is a locked facility so to speak no privileges.

Yes she says she has friends that smoke weed and drink and work too that is the problem her friends do not have mental illness. She can go psychotic if she uses

Failure will only reinstate that she is not up to par that she is not capable like people her own age that she is a failure. oh it hurts when she fails it hurts her so much then she tries to hurt herself.

I think if the doctor is correct i hope keeping her busy will show her she does have abilities she is capable and she will be meeting new people not isolating not be with me 24 hrs a day. She has to start seeing i can't be there for her 24 hrs a day she has to see that she can make decisions without me she can function as an adult I hope if she gets a job this will help her to stop using and chose a different path for herself.

If she is able to do this perhaps one day she can move out perhaps then i can maybe go to work full time keep me busy there.

 

[Domo]

If she doesn't want to quit, would she have to be forcefully put in Stonehenge?

 

[forgetmenot]

No i have discussed that with her and she has agreed to try another therapy approach I told her to at least try I think she truly wants to be stable but is unable to do so This would give her an opportunity to do so to get clean and get her life back. She has agreed to try so that shows me she is willing she has even called the place herself to see what her status is She did this independantly of me so i think she understand it is best for her.

 

[Retired]

she says she has friends that smoke weed and drink and work too that is the problem her friends do not have mental illness

As I'm sure you already know, that logic is faulty and perhaps reflects immature thinking on your daughter's part. A responsible person would understand that being impaired while working is not only dangerous for the employee, but also for those being served (such as a waitress or other food handler) and is essentially stealing from the employer due to their compromised productivity.

It seems your daughter needs tough love and some form of therapy to address her mental illness issues, the addictions and to begin thinking as a responsible adult. It would be a shame for a young woman of 21 to waste her potential for a productive life.

You cannot be her guardian all your life, Violet. At some point you need to take care of your own needs and not let your daughter's refusals to act responsibly determine your own fate.

Your daughter is an adult, and needs to begin thinking like a responsible adult.

 

[forgetmenot]

yes that is what everyone keeps saying I understand that but she doesn't get it. How do you get someone that is mentally age14 act like an adult how she is not an adult she is like a child who clings to me like a shadow. I wanted the therapy to teach her independance is possible therapy to show her the thoughts her thought process is distorted I am tired of trying to get her to see to get other to see what is needed is for her to be taken from this place and put i n a facility that will teach her she doesn't neeed me oh god I know all this but until she is able to be independant get these skills to live they the professionals send her home to ME they send her here because she is not capable of independance she is just not capable and i will not put her out on the streets to have sick old men abuse her i am tired none of this makes sense she needs help i am not able to give her yet the professionals are not able to help either. Hopefully stonehenge will be able to get her thought process less distorted if and when she gets in there. She needs help she has the capability to become someone so great but she doesn't see that yet. i keep telling her she has this capability she just has to believe it herself.

 

[Domo]

Why don't you get her to join up the forums here? (Or somewhere else if you want to keep your own thoughts private from her) Maybe then she will get some insight into her illness' and what issues she needs to look at etc.

I am sorry i don't know what to say, she is only 3 years younger then me so i have no knowledge of parenting etc.

I hope that Stonehenge has a place for her soon.

 

[forgetmenot]

Thanks Domo i am sure she knows of this forum and others thanks i hope stonehenge takes her in or getting a job gives her the insight she needs time will tell.

 

[Murray]

yes that is what everyone keeps saying I understand that but she doesn't get it. How do you get someone that is mentally age14 act like an adult how she is not an adult she is like a child who clings to me like a shadow. I wanted the therapy to teach her independance is possible therapy to show her the thoughts her thought process is distorted I am tired of trying to get her to see to get other to see what is needed is for her to be taken from this place and put i n a facility that will teach her she doesn't neeed me oh god I know all this but until she is able to be independant get these skills to live they the professionals send her home to ME they send her here because she is not capable of independance she is just not capable and i will not put her out on the streets to have sick old men abuse her i am tired none of this makes sense she needs help i am not able to give her yet the professionals are not able to help either. Hopefully stonehenge will be able to get her thought process less distorted if and when she gets in there. She needs help she has the capability to become someone so great but she doesn't see that yet. i keep telling her she has this capability she just has to believe it herself.

This has got to be so hard for you Violet. It sounds like a good sign that your daughter actually called Stonehenge, it shows that she is interested.

Is there some sort of group home or something that she could live in so she wouldn't be your responsibility alone? I was thinking for after she gets out of Stonehenge-if she does go. I don't know if it is an option, but then maybe she could gain some independence without being totally on her own.

I hope that she is able to overcome the challenges that she is facing, so that she can reach the potential that you see in her.

 

[busybee]

Dear Violet,

Two of my children have gone down the path you describe. One in particular has pyschotic breaks, especially from weed. This was an education I never wanted to have. As parents we want to fix things, find the magic pill, the therapy, the lock down place. We put our son under regulation in a mental health unit for 3 months. The way he was treated there by staff who have seen it all, was less than satisfactory. He has only shared some of the horrendous things that occurred to him there 10 years later. I too like you thought that He would be safe and not exposed to drugs. Look they cant regulate prisons and this is not a prison. If they want it, they can find it. At the end of the day, we had to use tough love, the decision to choose to stop or not stop and be responsible for his own actions.

At the end of the day, only your daughter can fix her problems. She has to choose and understand the consequences of her actions. She must lead the way, and you have to allow her to chose.
Busybee

 

[forgetmenot]

What you people don't understand is my daughter is not learning okay she does not retain what has been taught to her. She has to choose and understand the consequences this is it she doesn't understand she doesn't get it. It is like her mind just doesn't absorb anything. My psychologist appointment was today he could see my sadness was deep I am still on cipralex it helps with anxiety i don't want any more meds talked about group therapy NO i can't do that too many eyes no i can't so we discussed social anxiety working on that I am able to do anything in public i just don't like groups of people i don't like crowds people looking staring judging. My daughter i have set it up for her to get help getting a job through Ontario disability employment program Her doctor thinks it is just boredom with her and she needs to keep busy lol we will see how well she does. I hope the doctor is right. but until the addictions are taken of i don't see. who knows maybe she will stop using once she feels useful i don't care anymore about anything. I told my psychologist my thoughts and what happen happens i don't care. I am tired so let whatever happens happen Different approach to things maybe that is what is needed She doesn't learn she doesn't retain she doesn't get it. oh god let her fix her problems okay right. if she could it would of been done by now. Dam illness dam it IT takes everyone away do you understand it takes them all away.

 

[busybee]

Dear Violet, I can feel your pain and apologise if in any way my previous post has distressed you. No I have not walked a mile in your shoes and essentially, this is what it is about. The best we can do as parents is to give unconditional love to our children during their lives, and be there for them, and hope that they live to tell the tale. Thinking of you at this most difficult time. Busybee. x