Zombie Triggers

[Fiver]

As Sunday night comes closer and I return to work, I'm finding that my anxiety is heightened. Flashback triggers over which I thought I'd been victorious have come back, much to my dismay -- and frustration. They are Zombie Triggers; I vanquished them once, and now they've come back looking for brains or something.

I know where this comes from, I think. I mean, first of all, I've been really anxious about returning to work for many reasons, the biggest being that I'm not entirely sure I'm ready but I'm not entirely sure I'm not not ready, either. I won't know until I go. But my absences this past year have placed me in administrative probation, and if I find that I really can't bring myself out of the house one night, or if I can't stay in the store and do my job because of the flashbacks or hyperventilation or whatever the symptom du jour happens to be, I could lose my job. If I lose my job, I lose my health care insurance. I have a chronic condition for which I take a medication called "Gleevek," a tasty gem at $1300 a month without insurance, or $30 with my insurance co-pay. I've got a lot riding on this job.

But more than the anxiety over losing my job is the realization that going to work reminds me of the night I was assaulted. It didn't happen at work and there's no reason I should acquaint the two events, or so it would seem. But the thing is, I had just come home from work when it happened. I had time to shower and get comfortable, my usual routine...and I remember every single thing about that night at work and every minute of what happened when I got home.

My memory fades in and out after I let him in the house. But it's weird how I can remember everything, absolutely everything about the eight hours preceding it.

I don't see a way to change my routine when I get home from work. I mean, I crawl around on the floor all night after unloading a nasty, grimy truck. I get dirty, I sweat, I'm tired, achy, and want to shower and wind down when I get home so I can sleep. That really can't change all that much.

I have to change instead. My mindset needs to change. Somehow, I have to think of my home as my home, I need to remember that 23 May 2008 was one night out of 46 years. This makes sense to me --- up here (pointing toward my head.) However, it might take a while for the seeds to take hold in my gut. But my way of thinking needs to change or I'm never going to go forward.

Yeah, more blah blah blah from me, just thinking out loud. But it's out there now, and I have to own it.

 

[Jazzey]

You can own it Fiver.

I wish I had some really constructive advice, or approaches to tackling this one on. For now, I'm just going to wish, for you, that your return to work will be seamless. That you will reclaim both your workplace and your home.

I understand why you're making the connection with work and that night. I make a similar connection with the local grocery store, 5 minutes away grocery store (which incidentally I went back into for the first time today).

Maybe take a few steps back Fiver. Be nice to yourself and try to take it one day at a time. You've made tremendous strides in the last year and, you're a strong person. But you don't have to be strong 100% of the time - just be gentle with yourself. One day at a time?

And I like your concept of writing it out so that you can own the words...I'll keep you accountable for the words Fiver. :hug:

 

[ladylore]

This is no blah-blah stuff.

A couple of things I did to make my home my home: I dug deep into my spiritual being, where I am quite eclectic. I smudged my house every morning and night for a good month or so. It was a purification of sorts. It helped make my home mine again.

In the same line, I reached for my jewish roots. From there I now observe Shabbat and have a ritual I practice every Friday evening at home to bring in this day of rest.

Whatever your spiritual bent is - you may want to find a 'ritual' that can help you make your home yours again.

On a more plain note - I rearranged my furniture and gave my home a really good cleaning. I have alot of things away and brought used, but new to me stuff.

Hope this helps a bit Fiver. You deserve your home back.

 

[Jazzey]

Fiver, out of curiosity -has Pat provided you with some good grounding techniques? Something that you could use when you're at work those first few days?

There are a few threads here that I find have helped in the last few days with some flashbacks...

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/12739-managing-flashbacks.html

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/9526-grounding-techniques.html

The second thread, the technique provided by LL was one that I found helpful. (and can be done quietly)

 

[Fiver]

Actually, she has. We discussed something, a word or phrase I can say to myself when I start to feel the hair rise on the back of my neck. The thing is, words and phrases really don't do it, they don't pull me out. A week or so ago, at Tonya and Paul's, we discovered something that does bring me back to the present:

Mahna Mahna.

It has been a running joke with Paul and me for some time. One of us says it, and the other responds, "Do doo, do do doot." We mostly do it to irritate Tonya because it puts the earworm in her head (but I swear, it's gentle teasing and it's entirely faux irritation on her part.)

I was at their house, as usual, last week when my mind went there. I mean, went back there. To that place. Tonya said Paul called my name, she came and sat next to me and spoke to me and my mind was just not moving out of that spot. But I heard Paul softly say, "Mahna mahna," and while I didn't exactly respond in the usual manner, the other part of my brain kicked in and I grabbed hold of the present again.

I relayed this story to Pat when she suggested a word or phrase, because to me it has to be more on the music side of things. I don't hear words in songs; I hear the music and only after fully appreciating the music will I bother to hear the words. So we've agreed that this is a method that seems to have worked when someone else said it; if I can grab hold of my mind before it gets back there, if I can sing "Mahna Mahna" before it goes too far, I think this will be a major boon for me.

It'll be interesting to find out, at least.

 

[white page]

Fiver,

I don't know if it would help you to elaborate an extra homecoming ritual , like a little, magic corner in your hallway, where you place offerings, pretty things. or whatever pleases you, light an insense cone or a candle when you return. Give yourself five extra minutes to arrive and focus on that magic corner before you re-enter into your usual routine. I know it sounds a little shamanic , but those sort of rituals work for me.

 

[Fiver]

You know, this is a pretty good idea. Actually, I think I could tailor it more to what relaxes me and makes me feel safe, which would be music. I could set my "good tunes" playlist in a loop before leaving the house and have it to walk into. This is worth looking into and giving more thought. Thank you.

 

[ladylore]

I like that Fiver. Hope it does the trick for you. :2thumbs:

 

[Fiver]

I foresee a lot of trial and error, a few setbacks, but hopefully some major steps forward.

Do I sound convincing? I'm trying to sound optimistic and convincing, not for you guys -- for me.

 

[ladylore]

You don't know what will work until you try. And your right - it's all individual. What works for me may not work for you, at least maybe not the specifics. But the concept might.

I'm rooting for you.