Scared

[Ashley-Kate]

i am scared i had an evaluation exam with a psychiatrist today to see how the treatment plan is working and how i am doing and they believe that i should consider a more intensive treatment then out patient they want to put me in the day program they are giving me a couple of weeks to think it through but i think i am going to try and wait at least until my first semester is over to consider that. I had some test done and the damage that i though wasn't serious was a bit more alarming then i thought and the psychiatrist doesn't believe that the out patient will be able to get me back on track but i don't want to lose the only thing that keeps me in touch with reality if i go in patient then i am allowing the e-d to define me i am losing my school therefore losing the only thing that makes me somethign other than an e-d i don't know anymore what to think or what is best for me. i don'T want to end up back in a hospital i am sick of hospitals. they are thinking of the possibility of my eating disorder being a chronic problem.

 

[Banned]

Re: scared

HI AK,

I think your first concern needs to be your health, not school. By doing inpatient it isn't allowing your e-d to define you, it's you taking control of your e-d and not allowing it to define or control you any longer!!!

Is there a way to continue your studies in the hospital? Either through correspondance or distance ed? I would look into that as an option, but I think your health is most important right now.

 

[Mari]

Re: scared

:hug: The semester is half over and you have worked so hard. :support: I agree with Turtle that your health is most important. Is there a school counselor you could talk with to see if something can be worked out regarding your courses? My oldest son is in negotiation to take a break until January and my youngest son dropped one course which still allows him full-time student status and reduces some of the pressure. :goodluck: Mari

 

[suewatters1]

Re: scared

By going into the day program you are telling your E-D. Ok now I am ready for a good fight and I am not going to lose. I am going to get rid of you once and for all.

Sue

 

[Ashley-Kate]

Re: scared

Well i got some of the test results i had to go get done this week and well i have now the proof that i am not super woman, i have spent most of my e-d pretty much clear of any medical complication and i guess it came back to bite me in the "behind" i am okay with that actually cause i needed some kind of a stop something that would make me realise that i am not so great after-all and that i am not invincable. i am a bit nervous cause now i know that the choice is becoming less in my hands therefore if my health is at risk i won't have the choice to go in-patient or not. and i want that to stay my choice. i know i need help but i feel that there is so many other people that have it worst than me i don't want to take up someones place. anyway thats about it for now!

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: scared

i know i need help but i feel that there is so many other people that have it worst than me i don't want to take up someones place.

Ashley, you deserve to get help just as much as anybody. I hope that somehow, someday you can really see that and believe it. You're NOT taking up someone else's place. You need and deserve help. Hang in there.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

things have took a pretty drastic turn the difference i see now from when i was a minor would be that the choice is presently mine to make up to a certain extent. I had an appointment with my nutritionnist in the team that i am in at the hospital and she opted for the option of giving me a feeding tube for the time that i get back on my feet and start functionning better my eating habits have gotten pretty bad and she thinks that it would be rediculous to ask me to eat on my own 3 meals a day and that would be a farely good option but they asked if i would do it. firstly to go with that option i am prety sure i would have to accept then an inpatient treatment , then again i am going for a test on monday to check how my heart is doing through all of this and depending on the results the choice will still be mine. I am nervous cause a part of me hopes everythign is okay and the other part hopes that this hole decision making thing will be out of my hands and in theres cause i never had to do this i neever had to chose i was always forced in the hospital so i feel in some strange way that i am just not sure i am that bad yet cause i am so used to them telling me that i need to get in and not giving me a choice now they are giving it to me and that makes me doubt my need for it. it is as if they are asking me if i am too week and i don't want to believe that i am week i want to believe that i am strong and that i can beet this on my own even though i know that is probably wrong.. i am soo confused so tired of being confused..

 

[Mari]

H! A-K, I am not clear on medical procedures but I think that they usually present the options available and then help you make the best choice. Is there someone that could be with you on Monday to help you through this? Do you know what your options are? :heart: Mari

 

[Meg]

:hug: Ashley,

Keep in mind that it is the doctors who decide who gets which place in in-patient treatment. If they offer it to you it's because they have evaluated you and decided that you're the one who needs the help right now. It's not your responsibility to worry about taking someone else's place. Your job is to do what's best for you right now

I'm sure it must be very difficult to be trying to make these decisions for yourself. From your post it sounds like you know that your choices may not necessarily be those that are best for your health, but that making the choice to do the best thing for your health is frightening.

While the doctors are offering you various kinds of treatment for you to choose, are any of them suggesting that you don't need treatment at all? The fact that they are saying you need medical assistance says to me that they know that you definitely need help, it's just a matter of what form that help takes. It's good that you're still at the point where you have choice, though I realise it's confusing for you.

Could you tell the doctors what you've told us here? That you're confused about what the right thing to do is and that you really want to be able to beat this by yourself but aren't sure if you can anymore. Perhaps you could ask them to just tell you what they think the best option is? I also think Mari's suggestion of taking someone along could be a good one.

Good luck :hug:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

thanks a lot for your help! as for bringing someone along that is probably not an option cause i don't really have any friends were i live now cause i don't know anyone yet besides my brother who is not aware of what is going on right now and is also at work. I checked into the in-patient treatment and found out that there is only room for 7 people, and then i saw what you wrote thinking to myself well if they only have 7 places available and that they are offering me a place may be because i realy do need it and that if they didn't think it was necessary they wouldn't propose it to me. My familly doctor is only waiting for me to say the words so she can call the hospital and get me admitted. the thing that scares me the most in some way is that i have been in hospitals over the last 7 years in and out constantly and nothing changed and all it did was raise my fear of being in the hospital even more. I know that the only option i have in some way to get better is in the hospital.. it is saying it top them asking them to put me in and then admitting to myself that i can't make it that i am week. going in-patient would also require me to tell my familly that i am not doing so great after all. and therefore dissapointing them.. i have to say yes to the hospital but then i think the support system i have with my familly and friends will crumble cause i have once again kept this a secret from them and they will just give up on me.. but i am just so tired of everything i just want to take this long nap and wake up better! but unfortunatly that option doesn't exist

 

[Into The Light]

you are so right, if they didn't think you needed it they wouldn't have offered you the spot. beds are scarce in the hospital.

you aren't weak if you admit yourself, in fact, that would take a lot of strength because of the fact that it is so scary to you. besides, who wants to go to the hospital? we don't go for fun.

i think if you decide to go it shows real strength and also you are telling your disorder you're in control and you're going to do what it takes to get well.

i don't know your family would be disappointed in you. i would think they would be glad to know that you are trying to take care of yourself.

:hug:

 

[Meg]

It would be easier if that were an option, wouldn't it? I know that you're on a really difficult journey and don't blame you for being tired of it. I guess you've reached another fork in the road, though. If you choose to take the path of not accepting the best treatment then the road ahead might not be too different to the road you're on right now. If you choose to take the path of accepting the treatment, though, the future could be different.

It must be discouraging to have been through all those hospital stays and have nothing much change. I guess the question I'd be asking myself is whether things are more likely to change if I give treatment another chance or whether I keep on trying by myself. It's a tough question, but I think the answer is an important one.

Remember that it's ok to tell the doctors your concerns about treatment... in fact, it's more than ok, it's a good idea to tell them if you can. If they know what you're worried about they're better equipped to help you.

It must be hard to have the extra concern of your family's reaction. It seems to me, though, that they'd probably rather know that you were getting help when you need it rather than struggling to do it all on your own. :hug:

I don't think you're weak, Ashley. It's never weak to ask for help if you need it. It is the wise thing to do.