10 Tips for a Good Relationship

[David Baxter PhD]

10 Tips for a Good Relationship
by lisakift
January 15, 2009

1. Every morning make a conscious commitment to eliminate blame, criticism, and invalidation from your side of the relationship. If it leaks out, acknowledge it, and apologize to your partner.
   
2. Pay attention to and express appreciation for positive things your partner says or does–no matter how small!
   
3. Ask your partner to write down what makes him/her feel loved and special. Do the same for yourself. Exchange lists. Then, every day, no matter how you feel about him or her, do one loving/caring behavior for your partner!
   
4. Honestly look at the things YOU do that you know are not helpful to the relationship. If you want something different, you need to do something different!
   
5. Develop compassion for your partner and for yourself. Reactive, defensive thoughts, words and behavior are ways we protect ourselves from “danger”. Watch yourself reacting and ask yourself, “What does this remind me of from my own past?” and, ” What can I do differently at this point to become safer for my partner?”
   
6. Ask very specifically for what you need and say ‘why’ it is important to you. Your partner cannot read your mind and actually experiences life differently than you do!
   
7. Learn new skills that make communication safe and effective for both of you.
   
8. Know that both romantic love and the power struggle are not the destination, but are stages on the road to ‘real love’. Frustration and conflict are keys for healing and growth for both of you!
   
9. Read Getting the Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., for new understanding of underlying issues that fuel frustration in your relationship and of ways to co-create a better relationship.
   
10. Most relationships can be ’saved’ and transformed, and getting rid of the partner does not get rid of the ‘problem’! If you think you need help, call for an appointment or come to one of our workshops or classes. You can create the relationship you want.

 

[Daniel E.]

10 tips for a happy relationship
by Leslie Davis
Examiner.com
June 18, 2009

Passion in a relationship often wanes over time. Relationships do not flourish in the absence of attention. Like a garden, relationships must be tended to continue bearing fruit. All long term relationships compromise and some days you wonder how you got there.

10 tips for a successful relationship:

1. Friendship is the key to a successful partnership. All of the couples that I know who have enviable, rock solid relationships are friends as much as lovers. Enjoying one another’s company, having a similar philosophy or outlook on life and compatible goals improves the odds of success in any relationship.
2. Good communication is essential in a healthy relationship. That is easier than it sounds. When you are angry, it can difficult to communicate effectively. However, it is essential to articulate your feels, without attacking. You need to be willing to listen to them as well. Some people are more empathic than others. It is not wise to assume that someone can read your signals or to assume that you can read their signals.
3. Sex is likely to ebb and flow over the years. If you notice the passion is waning, intercede to figure out why and make an effort to reignite the spark. Human beings respond to touch. It lowers blood pressure and causes the body to release oxytocin. It is how we bond. When that behavior abates, it does not bode well for long term happiness. Don't assume you won't be tempted to have an affair. Few people are immune to the temptation. Many times couples can overcome the damage caused by one, or both, parties straying. It depends on the individuals and what motivated them to wander. Affairs often unearth problems in the relationship. The willingness of the participants to address those problems determines the outcome.
4. Money may not buy happiness, but it surely can ruin it: Most couples fight over money. It’s as important to be open and discuss your finances with your mate and form a strategy together that helps both of you achieve your long term goals. It’s difficult for two people with a completely different monetary agenda to last long term. If you can’t find a middle ground that both parties can live with when it comes to spending & saving, you may be financially incompatible.
5. It is not unusual for the sweet sentiment and appreciation to dissipate as the years roll on. Couples may unintentionally take one another for granted. Do you notice the little things that make your relationship special and act on impulse to show your partner how you love them in simple ways? It is important to show appreciation and to express your emotions. You can make your partners favorite meal, make a spontaneous date, do an errand that they don’t like to do or stash little love notes somewhere. Click here for a 10 inexpensive ways to show appreciation.
6. Punishing your partner for unappreciated behavior will not work. It does not teach them a lesson. It is merely a passive aggressive response. Whereas it may make you feel better, it is likely to elicit a stubborn or retaliatory response. Most people respond favorably to positive reinforcement and reward. Try to reward positive behavior and ignore, or gently address, things that cause aggravation. When arguing, resist the temptation to go for the jugular. When attacked, people instinctively defend themselves. Maintaining a respectful tone allows you to communicate about differences and disagreements without descending into slinging insults and accusations. Boredom is often a sign of anger. If you find yourself bored by your partner, try to figure out the underlying irritation. Problems and issues can tear a relationship apart, but they also provide opportunities to overcome challenges together. If you ‘fight fair’ when addressing disagreements and take the time to repair and nurture the relationship in the wake of conflict, disputes can strengthen your connection with your partner.
7. You and your partner should mutually participate in household tasks and responsibilities. No one wants to be the maid long term. Domestic duties should be divided to avoid conflict. Make a list of the household errands and divvy it up amongst all members of the household, kids and partner. Money is the number one cause of conflict. Finances and budgeting decisions need to be established together.
8. If you don't like yourself, you will question why others like you. Self-esteem is vital to a successful, trusting relationship. If your background has undermined your confidence, consider professional counseling to improve your relationship with yourself. The stronger you are as an individual, the stronger and more equal your relationship will be.
9. Make time for one another. Often work, family, friends, children, chores and errands leave little time to enjoy one another’s company. The relationship becomes more like running a business than an intimate friendship. Date night, weekend getaways and spontaneous outings or evenings together insure that the relationship doesn’t get lost in the shuffle of life’s priorities.
10. Absence makes the heart grow fonder: Couples don’t have to do everything together. A little time apart is a healthy thing. It’s important not to resent your partner for doing things without you. If there’s something your significant other enjoys that you don’t, encourage them to do it absent the subtle manifestations of guilt. As long as you make enough time for each other, enjoying your time apart will be a good thing.