195 pounds

[kelsischanging]

I had gastric bypass Jan. 25th 2012...I have lost 195 pounds...and I have become an alcoholic...why should I live. I am a bridesmaid in two dear friend's wedding's in april and may and I should live for those two events although I don't want to....after that...I don't know....I have substituted alcohol for food...there will always be something for a young woman with bipolar disorder....ending it seems to be the best solution...I've come so far but have gone back so far...it's just too hard. I don't want to fight any more. I'm only 25 but have had to fight through so much...I can't fight through any more....

And finally drank away his memory
Life is short, but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby
Brad Paisley

 

[rdw]

Kelsey do you see a therapist? If so have you told him or her about your drinking problem? Regarding the bipolar -are you on medication for that? I think you have given us two really great reasons to live - you must have wonderful friends who want to include you in their special day. Kelsey is there someone close by whom you can call to help you or do you need to call an ambulance or medical help?

 

[kelsischanging]

I do see a therapist and I see a psychiatrist to monitor my meds...it just doesn't matter...it's always one step forward, two steps back...I don't ever feel like I will get things under control...

 

[rdw]

What do your therapist and psychiatrist say about the alcohol use? One step forward and two back are how a lot of us go into recovery to restore our mental health.

 

[kelsischanging]

They have both suggested a local recovery center...just so you know...I'm not alone tonight....I live with my parents and sister...I'm literally with four other adults right now (my mom, step-dad, sister, and her boy friend) which is part of the problem...my parents and sister are big users of alcohol...I actually do have an appointment made with the recovery center that my therapist and psychiatrist susggeted for March 6th. I'm just afaid I won't make it until then...

 

[rdw]

I'm happy to hear that you have an appointment at a recovery center. It sounds like you are making some positive decisions regarding your health. Are there any other suggestions that your therapist and doctor have made to help you?

 

[kelsischanging]

Other than avoid alcohol, not really...alcohol leads me to the feelings of suicide...alcohol is my kryptonite....it leads me to all the bad things but yet I can not seem to avoid it....it is such a prescence in my house....I just crave it...when I work late (until 6:15pm) I am basically clawing at the windows for wine (the only thing I drink since my gastric bypass) until I get home...I start shaking if I don't have it by a certain point....I don't want to sound like an alcoholic or anything but I love wine and it does me good...

 

[rdw]

Kelsey do you think that something that causes you to have feelings of suicide is good for you?

 

[kelsischanging]

No I don't...alcohol is not good for me...I love it but it's not good for me...I'm torn between loving it and knowing it's not good for me...how do you reconcile that?? I LOVE IT!!! It's my nights, weekends, ect....when I feel bad, sad, ect...it's there...when I get off work early...it's there....I love it...but then I look at what it has done to my life...friends not speaking to me...other friends barely speaking to me...I usually play this game called "photo hunt" while I drink...today I had to go to a different bar because the bar I usually go to the photo hunt was not working...this new bar there was a huge mirror in front of the photo hung quiosk....I litterally had to watch myself get drunk while playing photo hunt...that was hard...I had to look myself in the eyes while I was destroying my life...that's hard to do....what am I doing?? I'm ruining my life...I know it...other people know it, my family knows it...everyone knows it...

 

[rdw]

Kelsey are you checking in with your therapist this week? Let us know how you are doing.

 

[kelsischanging]

I actually made a big decision...March 6th I have an intake appointment for an after work rehab program. I have fought too hard to lose it all now, through suicide or through alcoholism....it's still not easy and I'm going guns to the wall with drinking until March 6th but I've worked too hard....I have to hold on to the moments where I feel like I'm worth it...although fleeting...my dad died when I was 9...I can't put my mom and sister through my suicide too...I'm a fighter...I always have been and even though sometimes I get tired of fighting....I have people willing to stand with me and fight the battle too if I let them...thanks for checking in!!

 

[MHealthJo]

So happy and proud Kelsey!!

We CAN learn to deal other ways with the feelings and whatever is driving us toward addictive behaviours..... I know you can do it!

We are here for you too.

 

[W00BY]

Nice one!

You are doing the right thing and your attitude to this will carry you through, you clearly are a caring person and I hope for you and your family you get where you want to be.

Good luck with your rehab