More threads by rockandhardspot

Starting from the beginning. My dad and mom divorced when I was 4. My dad was having an affair with a woman he would later marry. He then had another affair on this woman, and when she would not take him back. He committed suicide when I was 13. My mom remarried a man, who also had an affair on her. So the men in my life have not had a real good track record. This brings me to me. I dated; we will call her Molly, since I was a Sr. in high school. At first the love was very strong. You can kind of say I fell head over heels for her. Molly was great; she was athletic, caring, from a good back ground, everything a guy could want. Her dad took me under his wing and treated me like a son. She had another year of high school; I however had to go away to college. While at college I had my fun. Did not date any other girls, but I did have a few slips. Molly then went to a different college and we continue to date. Long distance relations are tough, but we got threw it. I never asked if she had any slips nor did she ever ask me. Molly then transferred to college with me, and we spent the next two years together. I asked Molly to marry me and she accepted. We got married the following year and everything was good. About a year and a half into our marriage, times got a little tough. However we got threw it. Then she came up pregnant. While pregnant times were really hard. I met this other woman and started to have an email affair. Never met her, however very sexual emails were sent. After the birth of my child. I decided that I could not continue to email this woman. I need to concentrate on my wife and child. This really pissed her off, so she email Molly. Molly and I had a real falling out. We did marriage counseling and continued to work on the marriage. Working at it to make it work. Found out a lot about how I was feeling and how we were treating each other. Everything started to get better. As the years pass and another child, Molly and I start to get in to a rut. Same thing every night. No time for each other. My job was stressful and we start to grow apart. I start to reflect on my life. Thinking what do I want? Where do I want to be? Am I really happy? I then meet, we will call her Judy. Judy and I hit it off from the start. She is married and has kids so I think nothing of it. After become close friends, I found out that Judy is not happy in her marriage and has not been for some time. Not because of me, but was not happy long before I was in the picture. One thing leads to another and Judy and I start an affair. We both state of front that this is just sex. You know a little excitement in our lives. Just something to satisfy a void that we both need. The rules where that neither one of us could fall in love. It was purely sexual. This was not a problem for either one of us, and we did this for about 2 years. In this time Judy gets a divorce and dates other men. I never had a problem with this. What was I going to say, I was married. However my marriage was in shambles before Judy was ever in the picture. As time goes on Judy and I become closer and one day we both realize that we love each other. We often talk about how none of this was to happen, but it just did. I realize that I am not happy at and that I am not treating my wife the way that she needs to be treated. Molly has loved me from the start and still does, however I am no longer in love with her. After many arguments I sit down and tell molly that I do not think I love her any more. She asks me to leave and figure out if I love her. So that brings it to day. I have been out of my house for about a month. I have my wife that when I see her. I still have feelings for, how strong of feelings I don’t know. On the other hand I have Judy, who I fall very hard for. I love being with her and spending time with her and her kids. The thing is I don’t want to call it quits on my marriage if I still have feeling for my wife. That would not be fair to Molly or Judy. Yet I love this other woman very much and don’t know what to do. Everybody in my family wants to give me advice on what I should do. Other people say just follow your heart. Well my heart is in two places. I am just confused.

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
I think you are experiencing a gamut of emotions, all competing simultaneously for your attention and making it difficult for you to identify what it is you really feel or want or need.

The best advice I can give you is to take some time to be on your own, with as little contact with either woman as possible, and to reflect on what it means to you and how it feels to you to be alone -- to be you -- without either woman in your life. Who ARE you? What do you want your life to be? Who do you want to be? Who do you NOT want to be?

And who do you miss? And why?

You cannot make a decision that you can truly commit to that is based on guilt or on sex -- unfortunately, it is easy to confuse either of those factors with love which I suspect is what you are doing.

Take time to figure this out -- it will be a process and one you cannot (or at least should not) rush.
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