5 years on and I'm still trying to recover from PTSD

[NightOwl]

The other day I went out for a drive with my husband; we went to a beautiful place, did some shopping and had a picnic. I felt all my old feelings of feeling happy, relaxed, laughing and enjoying life, just the way I had before I was attacked; I'd left all my bad memories behind me.

When I got home, I cooked a beautiful meal and sat down to enjoy it and it was as if all my bad memories were attached by an elastic band and instead of leaving them behind, they caught up with me again. I felt all the unfairness and anger return like a bolt out of the blue and I lost it, I just couldn't hold my emotions together - I yelled at my husband, couldn't eat my meal and ended up crying and then apologizing for the way that I had behaved.

Can anyone relate to this and does anyone have any good ideas how to cope with it also?

Most people tell me I'm a gentle person and this is very out of character. I find I get angry at myself for not being able to cope. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and this is probably part of PTSD but I wish I could do something about it.

Any input would be very much appreciated. :tearyeyed:

NightOwl

 

[ladylore]

Hi NightOwl,

Sound very familiar to me. Have you ever hear of an amygdala hijack? That is what your experience sounds like to me. You may want to check out the following article http://forum.psychlinks.ca/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/15542-brain-chemistry-plays-important-role-in-ptsd.html

Just be assured - you are not alone in this one NightOwl. Hope this helps a bit.

 

[NicNak]

Hi NightOwl. Ladylore offered some great reading. I learned something too. Thanks Ladylore

Myself I have been diagnosed with chronic PTSD too. I just always try to remind myself there is no specific time frame for recovery. As days go on, I learn new ways to cope with the feelings I have. I try to keep remembering to "give myself a break" these things are not easy to deal with, but I keep moving forward at a pace I can handle.

Sorry I couldn't be of more assistance, but really wanted to let you know that you are not alone. :support:

 

[Jazzey]

...You're not alone Night Owl. I can relate to your post too. And as NN has already stated, LL had posted a good link. It's helped me understand why I have the reactions that I do. I also really try and decipher if / what triggers were present when I have these types of reactions. This analysis I do so that the next time, I can calm myself down before the rage sets in.

 

[forgetmenot]

I have had many outburst like this Out of the blue yelling walking out It was like something just snaps I think Jazzey is right you have to find out what is triggering this reaction if you can. I can now recognize when i need to back away before an incident happens. If i do blow up i write in down and figure out how to stop it from happening again.. Take care NightOwl mary

 

[NightOwl]

Thank you Ladylore for the link, I found it very useful. I'm sure that by understanding my reactions is going to help me put into place a coping strategy.

At times I feel so guilty for having these reactions as I know they can look unreasonable to my husband. I've also developed agoraphobia because I'm frightened that anyone in the public will see these reactions and not understand them, I'd feel so embarrassed.

I have taught myself a few coping mechanisms using David D Burns books plus quite a few others but I'm still striving to find a way through this maze of emotions.

Thank you all for your kind words of support and reassurance. Wishing you all the best with your recovery too.

TC :support:

NightOwl

 

[Auburn]

NightOwl

Oh, I soooo understand what you are talking about. It has been 4 years for me, and I still find myself in very similar situations. But, after I have my "meltdown" as I like to call it......lovingly of course!.......I try to put it in perspective. I acknowledge the trigger, if I am able to pinpoint it, and not beat myself up too much. And something that has helped me over the past 4 years, I apologize for my behaviour, but not for what caused it. My hubby and I both have PTSD after a specific trauma, and after apologizing to him one night for the millionth time I am sure, he told me to stop. That he understood. So, I now say sorry for freaking out, but I give myself credit for understanding what caused it. I don't know if this makes sense, but, it is one small thing that I can be victorious over.

I too like to remain at home. I think that is because it became my sanctuary after the trauma. But, another I have done to give myself a little victory is, I don't think of it as agoraphobia, I refer to it as my peace. I do go out occasionally, and it isn't too bad. But my preference, to be at home.

Another thing I have learned, I don't care what others think of me. My reactions to certain things are not always controllable. I do my best to avoid certain things, but, it isn't possible at all times. It has taken EONS, but, I finally realize that I am doing my very best. And that is all that anyone can expect. They will either accept me, damaged and all, or they won't. Too bad.
You will get there hun, you will. It is a long hard road, but I can tell you, as far as I have come, it is worth every step in the battle. I am worth it. And I have pledged to fight everyday for me. Ya know, I have learned I am a ok kinda gal! You will get there.

I hope you come in and post often. We are all here to help and lend an ear and a shoulder. This is a wonderful place full of loving kind people. As I have said before and will say again and again, they have saved my life more times than I can count.
Much love to you and brightest blessings hun.

Auburn

 

[ladylore]

:goodpost: It's great to see your around Auburn.

 

[Auburn]

Hello ladylore. Nice to be seen, and thank you. Still my sanctuary of special people!

 

[NightOwl]

Thank you so much Auburn for answering. What you've written has helped me a lot. I'm still building on my self-esteem. Hopefully over the next couple of weeks I'll be talking to a councillor, I'm not sure how it will go but I am keeping my fingers crossed it will work.

I like your approach to whether people accept you or not. You are an ok gal! I'll remember that one to tell myself each time I ever have a doubt - I'll think of your words and nudge myself.

I really like this site and it has helped me very much. Over the last year or so I've been doing a lot of studying, at first with the Open University (which I passed my first exam) but then found that the course was on basic Psychology and I wanted to learn more about PTSD and trauma and so I got myself a stack of books and have been studying from those; a lot of it has helped me.

I've found CBT something I can work with, mainly learning from David D. Burns's approach.

Wishing you and your husband all the best through your healing recovery. I'll try to make it back to this site a bit more often.

NightOwl