A borderline in despair

[petite_lady_marie]

Hi all

It's been a while since I last came here.. I just need to talk. I'm in total despair. After a long time I finally made the decision of seeking professional help. I went to see a psychologist. I went to half a dozen sessions, then he asked me to see a psychiatrist aswell. They both agreed I seem to be a borderline..

I had a friend.. who was once a lover (he is married, ok.. we had an affair - hey, no sex!), I wrote about it in some other thread.. he got a psychosis because of our ilicit situation and is now on risperdal.. He says I'm just a colleague for him now. He was my last hope for salvation. I quit therapy.. Why do I feel that only this man can help me? I don't want to feel like that. I keep asking his help and he says he can't (because of his wife.. etc.. ).. I'm really saying.. "help me not to kill myself.. help me to live.. ".. He doesn't help me anymore. He used to be such a good friend, I don't understand how his feelings changed overnight (literally). Why do I feel no one else can help me? A simple hug would mean the world to me.. A simple tender gesture, a kind word from him.. from him alone. I have a boyfriend, I have parents, I have another friend.. that's it.. but I don't feel I need their help.. it wouldn't mean much to me. I previously tried to talk to my boyfriend and this other friend about my "strange world".. but they didn't listen. Now I think my friend (old lover) his losing his patience with me.. I think I may be pushing him further away.. I've been really bad this week. I cry a lot, I act weird.. all in front of him (I think I even had a psychotic episode). I think I may be getting him worse.. And if he didn't like me already... Damn.. he broke my heart. I'm quite sensitive to this.. it's really hard that someone gets into my heart, but when he does... its deep down inside..

I feel I can't breathe. My stomach hurts.. I've been having diarrhea, loss of appetite.. headaches...

The doctor had prescribed me fluoxetine and topiramate.. Is there anyone on this? I'm not taking the medicines. Such terrible side effects! Won't this make me worse?

One more question.. I think I may have short psychotic episodes. I always start by getting really cold, I need coats or blankets and hide.. Is this cold some kind of symptom of anything? My friend also noticed (not just during these episodes but most of the time actually) that I can't keep my hands still. I'm always doing something with my hands, always moving. Usually repetitive, almost hypnotic gestures. could this mean something?

I feel so bad now.. I quit because my friend didn't help me on this. He said he would take me to the doctor.. he promised so many things that he never did.. And this isn't very good for anyone... and to a borderline especially..
I will isolate myself. I won't let anyone else close to me again.

I was thinking of going to Scotland.. I always wanted to go there... I would see it.. and then I would dive into the Atlantic to die... that was my plan.
Now I think I will see the therapist. I scheduled an appointment for tomorrow.. lets see. I may go on with medication.. But it hurts so much being alone on this. Not having a single person just to talk about it.. to support me, to hold my hand and fill me with strength.. Just to walk to the therapist's office is.. wow.. overwhelming to me.

I just wish my friend.. or colleague as he says now.. would become my true friend again. I need him so much.. and my poor boyfriend still doesn't now about my afair.. that too makes me feel miserable and unworthy.. I'm sure unworthy of my boyfriend... maybe I shall runaway to Scotland..

oh.. I feel so bad... I hate my self.. I wish I had never been born.. I have no purpose in life. I just ruin everything.. even my dearest frienship that meant a major step for my recovery... I am alone.. so alone..
Send me an angel.. please, please, please, please, please.. I can't stand this anymore!!

 

[David Baxter PhD]

1. I think you should definitely keep that therapy appointment.

2. I also think you should take the suggested medication. If you experience any adverse side-effects that don't diminish within 5-7 days, tell your doctors about it and they can prescribe something less likely to produce those side-effects.

3. I think you need to try to step back a little from where you are emotionally right now and understand that you are eliminating realistic positive solutions and leaving yourself with only one unlrealistic (and probably impossible) solution. You are trying to force the universe to give you back a man with whom you have become obsessed. But the universe doesn't work that way. It's just not going to happen. He has made that very clear.

 

[petite_lady_marie]

You are trying to force the universe to give you back a man with whom you have become obsessed. But the universe doesn't work that way. It's just not going to happen. He has made that very clear.

That was hard.. I guess I am obsessed, but all I want is his friendship back. If I don't get it, it only supports my borderlinish thoughts: nobody likes me, I'm supposed to be alone, I can't keep a good relationship, no one can trully love me, one may be interested at first but he will always end up going away.. because I'm just unbearable.. I have a curse on me, I'll always be alone. everyone would be better without me. He and all this story is the living proof.. I know I'm not being reasonable, but in my head it's just like that. If we could now recycle our relationship into a true friendship.. it would make me feel I maybe, just maybe, do have a place in this world..

Sure he made very clear we are nothing but colleagues now.. but just a couple of months ago he was making very clear he adored me, that only I could understand him, that he loved all the attention and care he was getting from me... How can a person's feelings change that easily? It's not logical.. This only adds greater confusion to an already messed up head..

You sound very objective Dr Baxter, but that's not how my mind works.. It's not that easy.. wish it was. I don't value myself for myself. I value myself for those who value me.

 

[forgetremember]

Hi Petite Lady Marie,

this married man is off limits. We benefit from people who WANT and CAN be with us.

Stay focussed on your existing support network, it sounds like you have a good one.

Blessings,

Jos?e

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That was hard..

I know. The alternative would have been to tell you something you'd rather hear but that would be neither honest nor helpful.

I guess I am obsessed, but all I want is his friendship back. If I don't get it, it only supports my borderlinish thoughts: nobody likes me, I'm supposed to be alone, I can't keep a good relationship, no one can trully love me, one may be interested at first but he will always end up going away.. because I'm just unbearable.. I have a curse on me, I'll always be alone. everyone would be better without me. He and all this story is the living proof.. I know I'm not being reasonable, but in my head it's just like that.

Yes. It's a web of cognitive distortions and borderline thinking that traps you in despair instead of allowing you to move forward. That's why you absolutely need both the medication and psychotherapy now - to escape that web and get on with your life.

If we could now recycle our relationship into a true friendship.. it would make me feel I maybe, just maybe, do have a place in this world.

But that's just magical thinking, wishful thinking, borderline thinking again.

Sure he made very clear we are nothing but colleagues now.. but just a couple of months ago he was making very clear he adored me, that only I could understand him, that he loved all the attention and care he was getting from me... How can a person's feelings change that easily? It's not logical.. This only adds greater confusion to an already messed up head..

I know. It hurts. But what you need to do now is accept and grieve that loss. Otherwise, he continues to trap you.

You sound very objective Dr Baxter, but that's not how my mind works.. It's not that easy.. wish it was.

I don't think I ever said it was easy. Just necessary.

I don't value myself for myself. I value myself for those who value me.

And that is something else that you absolutely need to address in therapy.

 

[petite_lady_marie]

Thank you Dr Baxter for your wise words, and you also Jos?e for the encouragement.

I'll try to get some sleep now. I'm feeling a little bit better.

I suppose I'll give the doctors a chance tomorrow..