David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
A Dad's Experience with Depression
by Gary at MedicalMommas.com
June 14, 2009
Right now, I am sitting across the table from my oldest daughter, Rhonda eating lunch with a view of a marina and the inland waterway that leads out to the Gulf of Mexico. Some of my best memories are of boating. Sharing fun times on the water with family— three children, ages 47, 45 and 37 and five grandchildren — and old friends.
I have had a great life: I built a successful building business from nothing, lived in homes I created, bought the cars I wanted, owned yachts, traveled the world. My family is the best.
I’ve been married to my wife for 49 years. I’ve had no major health problems. At 68-years-old I can live comfortably the rest of my life without working again—ever.
With everything so good, how could I ever feel bad? But I did, and sometimes still do.
I have clinical depression.
The Symptoms of Depression and My Secrecy Before The Diagnosis
It’s been 7 years since I received the diagnosis. I can’t believe it’s been that long already?
Before the diagnosis, I remember feeling very afraid, thinking I had Alzheimer’s disease. It’s what my mom died from when she was 88-years-old. I don’t know how to explain it. I would try to psych myself up and try to talk myself out of it, to feel better and less afraid. I would ask myself why I felt so down because I had everything going for me.
I still don’t know what sets me off and makes the downward spiral happen.
I don’t remember when I first starting feeling depressed. I think it snuck up on me, a little at a time. All the things I loved to do—and looked forward to doing—didn’t matter. I started to lose interest in them. I would start to cry when I was driving in my car. I’d be driving and crying and asking myself, ‘‘What the hell? This is so embarrassing!’’
It would happen a lot when I was driving home from my office. Anything – small things, even a billboard where an infant’s hand was reaching out to an adult – would send me to tears. On the way to the office I’d sit in the parking lot trying to psych myself up to go in. I had never experienced that before and had no idea what was going on.
Some days I’d go to bed and it just didn’t matter if I got up in the morning. I never thought of taking my life, but nothing seemed to matter. This was during the time when I was wondering what the hell was going on. I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong.
I didn’t feel like I could tell anyone either.
I Think I May Have Depression and Relief Comes with My Diagnosis
Then my daughter told me about a story she was doing on Tom Johnson and J.B Fuqua, two prominent Atlanta businessmen. Both men had severe depression and were talking to my daughter about their symptoms, how sad and afraid they felt all the time. Immediately, I thought, “That’s what I have!” It sounded exactly the same.
After I told my daughter, she made an appointment for me with a psychiatrist at Emory University who ran me through a series of questions and cognitive tests to evaluate my psychological condition. The doctor diagnosed me with clinical depression. It was such a relief to know what it was!
Life Changes Can Trigger Depression in Successful Men
Doctors told me it’s pretty common in guys like me: successful men, who had no reason to be unhappy. The trigger can be a major life change. For me, it was letting go of the business I had built—the sense of accomplishment, making deals. I liked what I did. It wasn’t just my business it was my life.
Doctors prescribed pills they said would make it go away. But then I had to wait 30 days for the medication to start working. I kept asking my daughter, “When will I feel good again?” I felt the medication was taking forever to kick in.
My doctor also referred me to a psychotherapist for “talk therapy.” I could tell her everything and I felt so good when I walked out the door from my appointments.
Feeling better finally crept in. It wasn’t like one day, I thought, “Oh wow, I feel good again!” It was a gradual thing of going from a cloudy day to a sunny day.
Since I had my daughter to talk to about what was going on, I didn’t feel like I needed to worry my wife with the details.
There’s No Way to Predict Good Days or Bad Days with Depression
I still have ups and downs. Some days I feel so good, I feel like I could conquer the world. Other days I feel down for a few hours in the morning and then feel clear-headed later on.
There’s no way for me to predict when I might start feeling down. I wish I could.
I just switched to a new psychiatrist who’s closer to home because I needed to get my prescription renewed. I told her I had been feeling really good. It wasn’t long after that that I went to watch my 11-year-old grandson play baseball. As I watched him, I was reminded of his half-brother—my 24-year-old grandson who died of an accidental drug overdose this past December. Afterwards, I drove home thinking of what a waste it was for my grandson to die and remembering he wouldn’t be with us for the family picture we had planned for the following week. I started to feel sad all over again. Really sad, to the point of crying.
Depression Can Be Managed But Never Goes Away
The next morning I felt so bad and down. I had been feeling so good that I didn’t see it coming. I still ask why can’t I talk myself out of feeling this way. I was always able to fix everything.
But I have learned I can’t fix this. Recently, I asked my doctor, “Once you have clinical depression do you always have it?”
It’s chemical, so what does that mean? If I didn’t have things that bothered me emotionally, would I still have it?
The answer is, yes.
Near the end of lunch with my daughter, she tells me that her husband made the comment during a recent visit that he thought I seemed on “Top of my Game.”
“Really?” I asked her. I’m relieved to hear it.
I Wish I Had Known:
by Gary at MedicalMommas.com
June 14, 2009
Right now, I am sitting across the table from my oldest daughter, Rhonda eating lunch with a view of a marina and the inland waterway that leads out to the Gulf of Mexico. Some of my best memories are of boating. Sharing fun times on the water with family— three children, ages 47, 45 and 37 and five grandchildren — and old friends.
I have had a great life: I built a successful building business from nothing, lived in homes I created, bought the cars I wanted, owned yachts, traveled the world. My family is the best.
I’ve been married to my wife for 49 years. I’ve had no major health problems. At 68-years-old I can live comfortably the rest of my life without working again—ever.
With everything so good, how could I ever feel bad? But I did, and sometimes still do.
I have clinical depression.
The Symptoms of Depression and My Secrecy Before The Diagnosis
It’s been 7 years since I received the diagnosis. I can’t believe it’s been that long already?
Before the diagnosis, I remember feeling very afraid, thinking I had Alzheimer’s disease. It’s what my mom died from when she was 88-years-old. I don’t know how to explain it. I would try to psych myself up and try to talk myself out of it, to feel better and less afraid. I would ask myself why I felt so down because I had everything going for me.
I still don’t know what sets me off and makes the downward spiral happen.
I don’t remember when I first starting feeling depressed. I think it snuck up on me, a little at a time. All the things I loved to do—and looked forward to doing—didn’t matter. I started to lose interest in them. I would start to cry when I was driving in my car. I’d be driving and crying and asking myself, ‘‘What the hell? This is so embarrassing!’’
It would happen a lot when I was driving home from my office. Anything – small things, even a billboard where an infant’s hand was reaching out to an adult – would send me to tears. On the way to the office I’d sit in the parking lot trying to psych myself up to go in. I had never experienced that before and had no idea what was going on.
Some days I’d go to bed and it just didn’t matter if I got up in the morning. I never thought of taking my life, but nothing seemed to matter. This was during the time when I was wondering what the hell was going on. I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong.
I didn’t feel like I could tell anyone either.
I Think I May Have Depression and Relief Comes with My Diagnosis
Then my daughter told me about a story she was doing on Tom Johnson and J.B Fuqua, two prominent Atlanta businessmen. Both men had severe depression and were talking to my daughter about their symptoms, how sad and afraid they felt all the time. Immediately, I thought, “That’s what I have!” It sounded exactly the same.
After I told my daughter, she made an appointment for me with a psychiatrist at Emory University who ran me through a series of questions and cognitive tests to evaluate my psychological condition. The doctor diagnosed me with clinical depression. It was such a relief to know what it was!
Life Changes Can Trigger Depression in Successful Men
Doctors told me it’s pretty common in guys like me: successful men, who had no reason to be unhappy. The trigger can be a major life change. For me, it was letting go of the business I had built—the sense of accomplishment, making deals. I liked what I did. It wasn’t just my business it was my life.
Doctors prescribed pills they said would make it go away. But then I had to wait 30 days for the medication to start working. I kept asking my daughter, “When will I feel good again?” I felt the medication was taking forever to kick in.
My doctor also referred me to a psychotherapist for “talk therapy.” I could tell her everything and I felt so good when I walked out the door from my appointments.
Feeling better finally crept in. It wasn’t like one day, I thought, “Oh wow, I feel good again!” It was a gradual thing of going from a cloudy day to a sunny day.
Since I had my daughter to talk to about what was going on, I didn’t feel like I needed to worry my wife with the details.
There’s No Way to Predict Good Days or Bad Days with Depression
I still have ups and downs. Some days I feel so good, I feel like I could conquer the world. Other days I feel down for a few hours in the morning and then feel clear-headed later on.
There’s no way for me to predict when I might start feeling down. I wish I could.
I just switched to a new psychiatrist who’s closer to home because I needed to get my prescription renewed. I told her I had been feeling really good. It wasn’t long after that that I went to watch my 11-year-old grandson play baseball. As I watched him, I was reminded of his half-brother—my 24-year-old grandson who died of an accidental drug overdose this past December. Afterwards, I drove home thinking of what a waste it was for my grandson to die and remembering he wouldn’t be with us for the family picture we had planned for the following week. I started to feel sad all over again. Really sad, to the point of crying.
Depression Can Be Managed But Never Goes Away
The next morning I felt so bad and down. I had been feeling so good that I didn’t see it coming. I still ask why can’t I talk myself out of feeling this way. I was always able to fix everything.
But I have learned I can’t fix this. Recently, I asked my doctor, “Once you have clinical depression do you always have it?”
It’s chemical, so what does that mean? If I didn’t have things that bothered me emotionally, would I still have it?
The answer is, yes.
Near the end of lunch with my daughter, she tells me that her husband made the comment during a recent visit that he thought I seemed on “Top of my Game.”
“Really?” I asked her. I’m relieved to hear it.
I Wish I Had Known:
- I wish I had known earlier that I had depression. The earlier you find something, the easier it is to manage. Looking back, I realized after I starting treating my depression I hadn’t felt like myself for quite awhile. How long and when did it start? I’m really not sure. It may have helped if I knew the symptoms or what to look for.
- I shouldn’t have stopped my medicine cold turkey. I had some bothersome symptoms that I don’t exactly recall, but I wondered at the time if I was having a stroke or something. I found out later that I was suffering from a sudden withdrawal, also known as SSRI discontinuation syndrome.
My doctor told me if you stop, and then start up again the same medication may no longer work for you. I had stopped taking it because I felt so much better and thought I cured the depression and it was gone. I thought I could do that. But that wasn’t the case. I’ve been on the same medication for seven years now and have increased the dose over time. I really don’t have the side effects I had before – such as sweating – and wonder if it’s still working for me. That’s why my doctor increased the dose. We’ll see if it helps.
- I used to tell a lot of people about my depression because I thought it would help others. I’m not sure I’d do that if I had it to do all over. When you mention depression people wonder about your stability in making decisions. I could tell in the reactions of others that it makes them nervous. There’s such a stigma.
If you’re evaluating two people for a decision-making position and one has depression, I think someone would think the person without depression might be stronger in making decisions. I think I would even pick the one who is not depressed. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is.
- I would be sure to be connected with a “talk therapist” continuously – even if it meant seeing that person once a month. In the first year or two after my diagnosis, I saw a therapist regularly and it was a big help. I’d come out of the sessions feeling like everything was brighter. It’s very difficult to talk to anyone about everything – whether it’s a friend or family member – but if you go to a therapist you feel the freedom to talk about everything.
It’s interesting how that works. You can just say anything that’s on your mind. Then she moved and I haven’t found a replacement. My daughter keeps reminding me to find someone new. Why don’t I? I start feeling good again and forget about it. I tell my daughter (again) that I’ll get it figured out. And she reminds me (again) that depression doesn’t go away.
